Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

I actually don’t think it’s the manosphere. I think he has extremely low self esteem and is maybe floundering in his career. He may also have increased his porn consumption.

OP do you mind sharing if he earns below or above average and if he gets job satisfaction from his business?

I briefly dated a younger man that lacked confidence and focus, and he was very much obsessed with sex. It was like he channelled his ambition into sex and women instead of focusing on upskilling his career and progressing his career.

I eventually told him both his focus on sex and lack of ambition were a turn off and the former was also very creepy to me. It was also annoying because instead of actually doing nice things for me like romantic things, or making my life easier in some way or thinking of things that would have meant a lot to me he apparently thought the promise of sex was how he could woo me 🙄

How old is your child? Is she a a girl? I worry about male partners around step-children at the best of time, but I’d be especially worried when the man is like this.

You have no children together and aren’t married - why are you hanging around?

He sounds like the most basic of beings. Is he limited in all walks of life? And he’s bloody 40. 😂 How on earth has he managed to get a partner that hasn’t dumped his repugnant arse? You can do better surely, OP?

Also Op I don’t want to say once a cheat always a cheat, as that’s over simplistic, but realistically it makes it more likely he will cheat again since he has done that to other partners in the past.

Especially if he thinks you aren’t giving him enough sex.

I’m not saying he actually thinks your relationship is sexless btw, but evidently this is the story he’s concocting so he can make excuses to himself and you, when he cheats.

Yeah he just seems to think that him voicing his sexual desires means I should also want them exactly the same. If I don’t, I am clearly going off him, even in the space of 24 hours

I've read all these posts with a disgusted / horrified look on my face. Your sex pest partner owes me money for botox now.

My ex was like this. Refused to wank because "why would I do that when I have you?", and was constantly pawing at me like a humping dog. Needless to say, it entirely put me off sex and I cringed away from his touch. Sometimes I gave in for a quiet life, but that was really bad for my mental health and made me feel like I was complicit in my own dehumanisation. When we broke up it was like a weight had been lifted, and I'd never tolerate this kind of sex pest whining again.

Buy the man a 5 pack of wank socks as a goodbye gift and send him on his way. There's no coming back from this.

I think he's reducing you to a sex object because you are more successful than he is at work. He's showing you that you might be more successful at work, but he's the one with the sex drive.

Has he ever suggested bringing another man into the relationship so he can watch someone have sex with you? That's common with men who see women as sex objects who need to be put in their place.

I had one of these as well. Left me feeling like a hollowed out shell.

He once screamed at me that we never have sex. We had sex multiple times a week. He also regularly told me he should be able to have as much sex as he wanted.

It was awful. Towards the end of the relationship he'd say 'we'll have a fuck first' after everything I said, eg

''we need to get some milk'' ''We'll have a fuck first.
''should we start dinner?'' We'll have a fuck first.

Once he said ''you know you're going to have to, so you might as well get it out of the way''

Tbh, this is getting on for his longest relationship ever.

Not really, he has always said sex was important and I get that, I feel the same. But difference between important and ‘be all and end all’

I am just a bit sick of constantly reassuring him and more than that having to go above and beyond to reassure him when literally 2 days later it’s all forgotten

You can't give someone self esteem - he needs to work on himself.

His business is creative and niche but he does well,seems to enjoy it, enough to pay all his bills, contribute to our life etc but I am the first woman he has ever been with to earn what I do and have a job as I do I know that for a fact.

interesting how this could be part of it.

The answer is blindingly obvious to anyone with half a brain: "Because the person he is attracted to doesn't always want to have sex when he does."

Wtf. Has he sustained an injury that has knocked all the sense out of his head?

I'd tell him that his whinging and nagging is pathetic, his lying about his aching balls is both coercive and ridiculous, and that nothing makes you want to have sex with him less than him acting as though you only exist to serve him sexually.

Then tell him to sort his shit out or you'll throw him out. Although I imagine he won't be able to sort his shit out, and he'll either be good for a few weeks and then revert to type, or double down on trying to guilt and gaslight you.

How bizarre that he's just begun acting this way out of nowhere. It seems so weird, like there must be a cause.

It sounds like he has no respect for your wants or feelings and just wants a “vessel”.
How can he imagine you’d be in the mood for sex if he spends days whining about not getting it and the “wet for me” comment - massive turn off.
I’d be telling him that any sort of sexual contact is entirely off the table until he learns to be respectful and considers your feelings rather than just his own.
And if his balls ache after 12 hours, he has a medical issue he maybe should have investigated.

Urgh. I couldn't be doing with this. I would have lost all respect for all this man.

Absolutely not, he would hate that. We gave watched a lot of sexual programmes open house on channel 4 etc and he always says he could never be in an open relationship or have a threesome or anything like that.

Honestly was a little sick in my mouth at the ‘wet for me comment’ I am by no means a prude but not after a stats meeting, in fact not outside the heat of the moment and he knows all this…but apparently was trying ‘bring back the naughtiness’

For the same reason he should cook his own dinner if he's hungry and you are not. It's not your job to empty his balls any more than it's your job to feed him or wipe his arse when he's been to the toilet. Jeez!

Not having an affair is he, and using this as a justification?

I will say, he was struck down with a terrible cold a few weeks back and miraculously he didn’t mention sex for about a week as he was ‘really suffering’ 🙄

My first thought whilst still reading the post.

Did cross my mind but I don’t think so tbh

It feels a bit controlling to me, especially when he expects you to be thinking about him at work. How does he behave if you goout with female friends, or if you had a night away for work without him?

I like a good roll in the hay as much as the next person but this continual smut would really put me right off. The sulking even more so. Yuck. DP and I do the do when we can and enjoy it but neither of us sulks when circumstances just don't allow.

His behaviour would be a deal breaker for me to be honest. Does he seriously want to have sex with someone who he knows doesn’t want to? It’s sex pest territory really isn’t it?
Please make sure you set some really firm boundaries and have a consider of whether this is how you want to spend your future.
Also, do you feel safe in the same house/bed with him?

He is absolutely fine. I go on holiday once a year without him; he will sulk towards the end about how he misses me and can’t wait for sex etc but has never been negative towards me doing what I want to do

I do feel safe yes. It’s more ridiculous then worrying but I do see how it can appear or turn in to something insidious and I have my wits about me.