Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

It’s the other constant comments.

For example:

I will be off work so laying in, he will get up and go to work and then text saying ‘we could have had sex this morning but you were sleep’

yeah and you had to go to work, why is it all my fault?

I’d be gone. Ick x 1,000,000

Reason 34654 why I refer to be single these days.

Well, there you have it. He's not even thinking about you. He sounds quite manipulative to me. What do you think?

Yuck - this would create a sexless massage for me.
I don’t want to do anything as soon as I’m told I should!

(as a side note, my poor husband - he gets none of what you are describing and is thrilled to be given the opportunity!)

Yep, manipulative and controlling. I hope you can leave.

Do you reply asking this? What does he say?

Grade A* Batshit

Also, not liking the misogyny overtones where he is speaking to you as if you were his property.

Nothing less erotic than a forty year old man whining and bleating
" ayyy, mah bawls, mah bawls are fuuuuull"

I recognise a lot of this behaviour from my porn addicted ex especially the absurd idea he should come home to you dressed up.

Once this mentality sets in ( and is rewarded by regular sex ) it’s impossible to change. I stopped having sex entirely with mine and even then nothing changed. The constant thinking about his dick and victim mentality revolted
me.

Yeah I do, and he will say something like ‘I was just saying there was a missed opportunity’ or minimise it somehow

Is he a Tate brother? It's very manosphere. I'd be outta that relationship right now. Unhealthy.

Yup and him coming home to me dressed up is the most vanilla of the things he suggests coming home.

but what is worse is he will see I have had a busy day, come in from work, shopping bags etc and still make some vague comment about ‘all the way home I was hoping you would be home first so I could find you playing with yourself’ honestly I wish I was lying.

I mean I have actually laughed out loud in his face at stuff like this when he spouts it, but it doesn’t deter him, it just seems to compound the fact I ‘hate him and clearly don’t fancy him’

Every example sounds worse. So what are you going to do?

Yuck. He's being so gross I'd do one of three things.

1. Just talk to him one last time and make it clear its just too much, set out what you're happy with and then just grey rock back to your last conversation.
2. Dump him. Probably the fastest route to where it is going anyway.
3. Shag him relentlessly, morning noon and night, constant full on messages about your needs, basically push him beyond what he can physically put out. Then dump him for not being able to keep up and satisfy you. Probably the hardest and most repulsive option, but I'd get a real kick out of turning the tables on him first.

Seeing your latest message, scratch 3. Call him the wrong name and then dump him.

Oh come on, OP.

Put up with this twat or don’t. But he is a massive twat.

Are you not slightly ashamed to be with him? To have him around your child?

I was just thinking this. It’s like he’s watched some manosphere thing about if your woman is the breadwinner you need to dominate her at home, go all hyper masculine and assert your head of household patrimony.

Honestly he doesn’t sound like he even sees you as a person. I’m upset for you reading this. How can he claim to love you when he speaks to you like this? It really doesn’t matter how or why it started. You can’t go on like this. I bet you dread going home. Leave or get him to leave . Thank goodness you have no children together.

Obviously I have come here with this issue and it’s a really big issue.

But to be clear I am not threatened or intimidated by him or at risk of being controlled by him I am more just at the point where is was purely hilarious and now os increasingly annoying. I have started to not reply to such messages or hang up on him if he starts on the phone about it all. Hasn’t worked yet but relatively early days.

I absolutely take heed of warnings though.

outside of this as iv said he is fairly normal, does more in the house that I do probably, contributes fairly, if he can do anything to make my life easier (apart from have a wank) he will. Doesn’t drink or do drugs or smoke, looks after himself, cooks everything really.

Very frustrating you think you have a decent one and then they drop this shit on you!!

OP I’ve been reading your thread all afternoon (nap trapped by baby!) and honestly the more you post the more clear it is that this has all the hallmarks of the beginnings of a sexually/emotionally abusive relationship, except THANK GOD you are sufficiently self-aware and confident to be able to recognise and call out this behaviour before it escalates further.

If he was a seriously fantastic partner until very recently and you suspect outside influence, you could try couples and (his) individual counselling to try to help him find himself again. Treat it like an illness. But I wonder if you really reflect on your relationship whether there might be longer term warning signs.

Tbh I’m so revolted on your behalf I’d be very tempted to get rid without further ado.

Sounds like a midlife crisis tbh. Fighting the idea of ageing by trying to have sex like teenagers!

Dear god, I'm the other end of the internet and just hearing the stuff he's spouting has made my vagina clamp so tight in horrified ick that I'm not sure it will ever unseal!

HOW do you have sex (or even a straight faced conversation?!) with this man, @Tulipsanddandelions?? Hats off to you, is all I can say ...

This sounds like it's getting abusive, or already abusive. Rapey. I'm so sorry.
I think you'll have to leave, especially if he won't look at medical causes for the sudden change.

He has mentioned more recently that he is ‘nearly 50’ he isn’t he is 42 this year but I do wonder if someone has mentioned this to him or something and it’s started on about how he may not have many years of sex life in him.

but even still, some perspective is required here

Does he think real life is a porn film?

Obviously you're not going to be fantasising about him while dressed as a sexy nurse during your work meetings. He really seems to expect that at any given moment when he walks through the door you're going to be using a vibrator or be stuck half naked in a washing machine or be chained to one of those giant wooden X things for bondage reasons. He's lost touch with reality. Nobody lives like that. Even porn stars don't live like that.

(Though I did enjoy a previous posters suggestion to shag him down to a nubbin until he emotionally broke down from failing to keep up with you. 😂)

Ofc you don’t fancy him now he’s started up with all this nonsense. Who could blame you? Time to get rid I’d say. The sooner the better.