Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

I didn’t say he definitely is, but it’s an extremely common trick of cheating men so it’s something to consider.

Are all men secretly like this? I wonder if that explains wtf is wrong with them. Jeez they need something in their tea to calm the fuck down. It’s made me feel quite queasy, I can’t imagine how you cope every 3 days op. I’d never want the needy sex pest near me at all.

Any other controlling, or upsetting behaviour from him over the last 4 years?

Has he had a stroke (not a euphamism)? He sounds mentally ill.

So what are you going to do OP? It's definitely not normal on his part and you've lost patience. Time for an ultimatum?

God, he sounds like an absolute bellend. How do you stand him?

Christ Almighty if he lived with me there would be exploded testicles scattered all over the walls like giblets!!!!

I can't believe any man still uses that thing about the "painful balls" to get inside a woman. Boys used to say this to me when I was a teenager.

He seems to have reverted to the emotional neediness of a very young adolescent, for reasons that I think @JacquesHarlow has nailed very firmly on the head.

Unfortunately this has turned him into such a sex pest that I would want him gone ASAP rather than investing time and effort into seeing whether he could be persuaded by intensive therapy, heavy drugs, or whatever into becoming a normal human being again.

And even if he could be miraculously "fixed":
He is one of those people that is one things after another, as soon as we sort one issue out he will be thinking about the next one.

I hope you don't imagine a bright future with this one, OP, things are not likely to improve over the years I'm afraid. 💐

So you aren’t married and you don’t have a child together. Run far away.

Definitely manosphere shit imo. Check his browsing history if you dare. I suppose then you have to decide whether you want to challenge the misogynistic nonsense he's clearly been imbibing, or whether just to cut your losses. Only you know if the person he used to be is worth the grief.

Yeah I have thought about all options. But we watching the Louis Theroux doc together and he thought it was hilarious that the men actually believed the rubbish they were saying.

In other walks of life he isn’t like this . He had works out of the home

Jesus Christ - just get rid OP, you've got years and years of this ahead otherwise.

Honestly I was thinking along these lines. Or that he must have a head injury or a brain tumour. Surely no normal man just suddenly starts behaving like this? He needs to see a doctor.

Yes, all of this.

My first thought when I read your post was immediately 'This isn't really about sex'. And it isn't. It's about control. Walk away.

'you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’

I'm sure he knows the way to solve this.

Oh for God’s sake, tell him to grow up. This is pathetic. I wouldn’t have got to 30 years married if Dh behaved like this.

Have you addressed the point where he's saying you should address his needs?

You could sell the couples therapy to him by telling him it would help You. If he thinks it’s about him having to change he’d stick his heels in. A good therapist would see what was going on and hopefully try to find out what is really going on for him. (I was a couples therapist)

This might be an odd take but… has he recently stopped cheating on you?
Has he had an affair/been dumped and is now pining for you to make up the slack he was getting elsewhere?

This also screams manosphere bullshit that he should be able to control his woman.

It also screams feelings of inadequacy like PPs said that as you’re the main earner, he wants control elsewhere in the relationship.

Has he complained to you about lack of sex in previous relationships? It's a big red manipulative flag if he has as he is implying he expects (demands) a consistent sex life with you.

No, I definitely wouldn't consider a couples therapist, he sounds absolutely manipulative and horrible tbh.

“come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’”

Please know that this is very not ok.

Yes, this. Do not even consider any kind of counselling. He's abusive and controlling. Get out of this relationship the best way you can.

Blue balls??? I've not heard that since 1987! WTF is wrong with him? Is he Bernard Manning or Benny Hill?

Tell him to stop being a rapey cunt and if his balls are aching then he can go and have a wank. You weren't put on this earth to be his fucking sex doll and if that's what he wants well he can piss off and go find someone else to play that role. I can't believe some men believe that acting this way will make their partner actually want sex with them. It's about as off putting as you can get

Why are you with this man? I can’t imagine any positives that would make this bearable.