Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

'you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’

I would walk away from this, @Tulipsanddandelions .

This isn't about sex. It's about his self perception and his self esteem. And he is using you as a scratching post to try and deal with that.

Don't be surprised if this is something also to do with you being the main breadwinner, the psychology of where he feels he needs to be in relation to this.

YANBU, but he massively is.

Dump him and tell him to buy a fleshlight

Good god dump him. He can't deal with you being the main earner and needs to treat you badly sexually. It won't get better.

Has he ever shown signs of entitlement, or sexism, ever, in any other area of your life?

Really? What makes you think this is due to me being the main breadwinner?

He feels entitled to your body and the performance of you dressing up whenever he feels like it. It's deeply selfish and totally invalidates your worth as a person with bodily autonomy.
Bin him off. Hopefully his ouchie balls wills explode and save other women from him.

Nope, we have DD’s and he is very equal rights etc

He does tend to have a bit of a victim mentality at times but tbh this has seemed to improve since I havnt played in to it in this relationship

Is 42 a typo for 12?

Oh does that not give you the "ick" he is hankering back to the time you just met up and had sex he doesn't want a relationship he just wants a constant thrill !

How to turn on a woman....not!
What an absolute arse!

Exactly!!! Just makes me cringe!

Sounds like he’s been hoovered into the manosphere.

This is super weird! Especially since it’s come on so fast! Do you think you could bring it up with him at a time where he isn’t banging on about his balls and point out very logically what you’ve said in your opening message and explain to him that this is unreasonable (well borderline a bit rape-y) and a complete turn off which is gonna end up with him getting less sex. You’ve got a child together so I understand you don’t want to dump him immediately but this is very troubling and I wouldn’t put up with it.

He is being weird. If that how he feels go and talk to a sex therapist see if he means it. He cannot expect unfettered access to your body 24/7. mood matters. It’s all so off putting, he is grown man why is he whinging. and if his balls hurt he can just masturbate.

you don’t have to fulfill his every sexual whim
all the time. Start telling him being the breadwinner turns you on. Will he fulfill that fantasy? He’s obviously on reddit or wherever and trying to manipulate.

Because two posts later you said he has a victim mentality.

here's what I think @Tulipsanddandelions

If one partner is less professionally or financially established that isn't necessarily a problem.

But if they're male and spending more time at home, relying on the other person?

Then it can sometimes lead to feelings of inadequacy.

And then some of those folk try and compensate by seeking more and more reassurance. Sex being the obvious and easiest proxy for that.

In that he can get validation (look, she wants me any way I ask for!) , or control (I can get what I want) or worse, just emotional security.

I don't think it's a healthy dynamic basically. You could give him "more" of what he thinks he wants, but he'll just want more until he feels you've shown him reassurance.

He sounds grim. I couldn’t cope with that.

As @Duckswaddle said
Or... paving the ground for replacing you with a newer model
or... has sudden onset midlife crisis (leading, ultimately, to the above)

Who knows. Deeply unpleasant in either case.

Suggest some bondage.
Tie him up and leave him to it. Give him time to reflect his thinking.

Has he by chance got a newly single mate who is filling his head with his latest shenanigans?

feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it,
I asked for respect and to win the lottery, I have more chances of the latter

‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem,
You treating me like a sex toy is pissing me off

@Tulipsanddandelions do you think he's looking for a way out or has already eyes on someone else as this sounds so sudden.

He sounds horrible with his demands, and yes, it reeks of the manosphere. He's not treating you like an equal partner, but expecting you to be his sex doll. Yuck.

If he doesn't want his balls to be sore for other reasons, he'd better change his ways.

We don’t have any children together. Each time I do he just goes in to one about how he feels he should be able to ask for anything he needs in the relationship and if I don’t want it I clearly don’t fancy him

Each time I do he just goes in to one about how he feels he should be able to ask for anything he needs in the relationship and if I don’t want it I clearly don’t fancy him

Please read my earlier post @Tulipsanddandelions five posts up.

I'm genuine in that I think he is massively insecure, and he will keep pushing and pushing you to provide external validation to him rather than focus inwardly on what is making him so insecure.

Sex is not therapy. He needs to go to therapy.

It seems so strange he has suddenly changed. The sex life that you describe sounds perfectly normal and healthy to me. What he's describing he wants certainly isn't.

You're adults with children. Life has other priorities and being groped whenever someone else feels like it is not on many people's wish lists.

To be honest this would be a relationship ender for me. I'd never feel properly relaxed around him again if I felt he would be constantly wanting sex.

Has he started medication of some sort that has caused this? Is someone else influencing him? You are perfectly entitled to tell him this is not the type of relationship you want.

It's a very selfish view that he has, based on an assumption that he's the centre of everything- what about what you want or need? You could reasonably say to him, that it hurts YOU when he objectifies you by suggesting you should have the right to do anything he wants with you, and should have unfettered access to your body, regardless of what you feel.
Relationships are about supporting one another, compromise, understanding the other person, and wanting them to feel happy, respected and fulfilled- he seems to believe he's purchase a sex on demand service instead!