Or is this absolutely batshit (sex life related)

[Tulipsanddandelions]

NC long term person.

DP (42) and I (36) been together 4 years. Live together. No kids between us (one each). I have high stress job (main breadwinner) DP runs own business pretty chilled most of the time.

Anyway…always enjoyed a good varied sex life, frequent as in 3/4 times a week, more if we have time (free house etc)

Lately he has started to guilt trip me about our ‘lack of sex’ ‘sexless relationship’. At first told him outright this was rubbish. But he insists we used to have sex more (not to my knowledge in fact was less when we only see each other once or twice a week before cohabiting), now it’s literally 2 days after we have sex he starts on about ‘when we get our sex life back’ like it’s been months.

More than that, the extra fun stuff we enjoy dressing up etc is now starting to become something he expects ‘to come home from work to’, apparently I don’t put enough effort or creativity into sex ‘like you used to’. Again rubbish but also has to have some understanding I have a life outside of standing in my knickers at the door waiting for him.

come to the crux of it today and he says ‘I feel like I should be able to ask for whatever I want and get it, I should be able to touch you within reason (and reason was if I was ill) and you should want it’

all of this coupled with, ‘you rejecting me damages my self esteem, I do anything you want sexually to keep you, I get pain in my balls if I don’t cum’.

baffled as to where all this is coming from. I have told him his is a huge turn off and he told me that if it’s such a turn off ‘expressing my (his) needs’ then it isn’t a ‘safe relationship’

He denies any porn use, never had reason to suspect (especially given healthy sex life).

are we suddenly massively not sexually compatible or is he being unreasonable!?!

This is not a bit of frisky sexting to let you know you are fancied by a loving respectful partner.
Partners can do that and it can be fun.

This is full on entitled rapey pyscho stuff.
Utterly horrifying IMO.

You are a lump of meat, no more.

Protect your child.

Agree with this. His last message to you is very worrying. Like he can’t control himself

Don't ever ever trust someone whom suddenly backtracks from inappropriate behaviour.

THAT is a huge red flag in of itself.

Sudden self correction IS a red flag.
It implies he knows he has gone too far and is trying to quickly self correct.

Red flag.

It’s obvious from your messages that you are intelligent. All I would say is that we are all emotionally detached so look at the messages objectively. It’s harder when you’ve experienced love for someone and want to try to think the best of them. I just hope that he doesn’t manage to worm his way back in with a pretence of being a changed man. All that will have changed is that he simply might not risk voicing those complaints anymore if it results in him being single: it will be a veneer and his attitude to sex and women and you will be exactly the same underneath. He’s a serial cheat on top - he literally doesn’t seem able to exercise self-control about sex.

Glad you’re okay OP 💕

He thinks you’re a sex doll. Get rid of him if you value yourself.

Those balls are going to be agony when he’s single. What a total bore. I’d have clammed shut long ago.

What I can’t understand is why this behaviour after 4 years of no red flags?! If you’d only been seeing him for 6 months I’d think he is letting the mask slip and showing his true colours, but after 4 years?? Doesn’t this type of character usually start showing red flags earlyish and then keep pushing and pushing until they’ve eroded your boundaries? (Or you’ve left them!)

There are some other threads on here where the husband used this language and these tactics and he’s now pushed on to sexually assaulting her in her sleep.
She feels trapped and won’t/can’t leave.
OP you are at a stage when you can stop this and avoid further hurt.
He is not sorry and won’t change. He is now in the apology/denial stage of the abuse cycle and if you let him stay he will return to form.

It’s because they didn’t live together from day one. OP explains in her first post that they had sex less as it happened on the days when they met up. He couldn’t ask for daily sex then. It’s only now that they live together he’s decided it is reasonable to expect it to be on tap, daily, whenever he wants. He’s somehow confused sex with the domestic water supply.

OP, what you're experience is the initial relief of receiving an apology, so you're feeling a little hit of euphoria from that. You're being trained into an addictive cycle. Maybe it's one that already familiar to you, from growing up or from another relationship?

Anyway, when the relief fades, and his self-justifications begin, please ask yourself where your boundaries begin and end, with a therapist if necessary - on your own and not with him.

Meanwhile please think seriously about having this awful man around your DD.

Oh my god. He’s got to be a sex addict or something. But there is no coming back from this level of ick. He is sending sexually explicit messages that you clearly don’t want.. does he not understand consent? Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s more to find out about this guy. Do not delete any messages. I genuinely don’t think you’ll be the first or last person to get messages like this (or worse). Future flasher / sex offender vibes

Hi OP I hope you’re ok!