AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

I literally can’t understand why you are doing this. There are no prizes for being a martyr. It sounds harsh but how and why the fuck do you think your course of action is reasonable (on you).

Her choices don’t mean you have to fill that gap. They are hers to assume.

Same here.
Stop looking after her.
Either tell her to find a care home or tell her to arrange a live-in carer for herself.

She was vile to your sister and cut her off

You stuck around and now you are losing so much - your job, your social life, even your husbands 60th!!

if you don’t set up more permanent care beyond the poxy 1 hour a day and the respite care (how long will that be for)… then really, you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face with your martyrdom

Also OP you're seriously damaging your own health, doing this.

She has the right to say she doesn't want to go into a care home, but she doesn't have the right to demand that you provide the care. She's asking a huge amount of you and it's not fair.

It's really tough, even when the elderly person is pleasant. I'd look at contacting adult social care and also charities such as age uk for advice. Good luck. But please don't put your life on hold for her, she's got to live hers, it's not fair you (and your family) have to sacrifice yours.

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She can't be forced into a care home, but equally, she has forced you into giving her this level of care. It is unsustainable and completely unreasonable of her.

You really need to speak to social services and insist they do a care needs assessment. They really need to be sending carers in several times a day. My friend's DM is being cared for at home, is more mobile than your DM, and she has carers coming in four times a day.

You have to be forthright with SS, as they won't care unless you say you can't do this any more. As long as you are doing it, they won't. Don't be a martyr.

Your mum doesn't get a say in this. Your own health and wellbeing are just as important, and if you can't face it any longer, then say so.

Oh good grief…so many people turning up to comment and forgetting that human relationships are incredibly complex and nuanced. It’s not as simple as ‘walk away’ or ‘you’re being a martyr’ - what cruel and unhelpful comments those are.

It is absolutely possible to have a complicated relationship with a difficult parent and still love them and feel empathy/want to care for them. Anyone who thinks you can just turn a key and walk away has obviously never walked this road.

OP, it sounds as though you have a plan - 3 weeks of help and then respite care. I assume you know that if dealing with social services you have to make it clear that you’re not willing or able to continue beyond that? With the pressures on public services, if they know a relative is willing to hold up the fort, that can delay things. Hope you get some help soon!

what cruel and unhelpful comments those are.

it’s the mum that makes these

I really feel for you. Dh and I also travel over 100miles every weekend to see MIL. We were able to buy a house so we didn't have to stay in a hotel every weekend - she is not happy for us to stay with her anymore following covid. She is perfectly pleasant but sil isn't - she is very demanding and it doesn't matter what we do it's never enough. MIL has carers but other stuff needs to be done, she's not easy but it's sil that is the challenge, she is a total martyr and gets annoyed when her siblings won't sacrifice their lives like she has. The situation has led to the breakdown of family relationships, sil then complains bitterly about how we aren't a closer family - it's exhausting not only meeting MIL's needs but Sil's too. The family dynamics feel toxic and it used to be so positive and loving. It has made me think long and hard about not doing the same thing to my kids. We have made provisions and I know that won't be enough but we will try our best to not be a burden.

I think even when your mum is lovely it's a very hard job.
My mum is in a care home - she's frequently horrible to the carers - she has a very sharp tongue - I only visit for a short time infrequently as I live overseas from her - she often gets verbally abusive after a couple of days visiting. A few years ago, I brought dd and ds to see her and she was so abusive with me that ds said he didn't want to see her again - he found it really upsetting to observe it. Unfortunately it was absolutely normal for her - it's hard when your mum is unpleasant. I'm going to see her next week, dh will come with me for support - I always expect the worst - sometimes she's civil. I don't know why I keep going.

Thank you. You have understood 100% and it is precisely that. Thank you for reading between the lines and understanding … much appreciated … and yes I have spoken to SS and yes she does get attendance allowance and yes the carers can be increased. I’m not stupid and have done the research … yes, you’re right … human relationships are complex … I am the only one mum has l, but she’s not going to live long and I need to be there for her … I don’t like it but I’m not going to feel guilty about not doing my best for her. Many thanks x

If you stopped doing it she'd have to go to a care home. If she's going to respite in 3 weeks can you refuse to have her home? That way she'd have to stay or go home with a big poc

Exactly.
OP you can decide for yourself how much you want to do but should not decide for other people.
Just stop doing all this work and enjoy your own life. Your mother can have more carers or go into a home.
Agree with PP about going over to the Elderly Parents board.

Goodness i wouldn’t be visiting her and I sure as heck wouldn’t be exposing my children to her

I’m really sorry you are in this situation, but I’m worried about what the respite plan is for 3 weeks time? Unless you have something concrete in place now it is something you need to prioritise. I work with families in your situation and all I can say is please do not give more of yourself than you are able. Sit down and think what would realistically be workable for you ( and not leave you destitute and without income /pension). Then give your mother the options and a date a decision needs to be made by. If she is unrealistic and refuses you may need (in the short term) to walk away and contact social services for an urgent care assessment.

otherwise this way burnout…

The OP is virtually a pensioner herself! I couldn't comprehend having to look after a vicious-tongued, cruel woman, putting my own life on hold, and missing milestone celebrations to look after her. I know it's a tough decision but as a pp said, the OP will make herself ill running herself ragged for her mother. She needs to go into a home, NEEDS to. Or respite care.

@Fogey YANBU. My mother could be rude and a bit difficult, and was rarely grateful when I ran around like a headless chicken for her (even though I had a 3-days-a week job, and 2 primary school aged children.) But I was nowhere near the OP's age... My brother was expected to do NOTHING. He was not even married and had no children. (He was living with his girlfriend, 1 mile from mum, and came to see her once a month.) I went 3 times a week and lived 10 miles away. I ran around after my dad and her, doing chores, food shopping, life admin, and housework. Dad died several years before mum. It was such hard going at the time.

They died around 2 decades ago when I was around 40. I can't imagine for one second, looking after them and running around like crazy for them at SIXTY or older. (I am nearly at that age now.)

.

Ive posted almost exactly those words recently, about my own DM on the Cockroach café thread. I have also just said to my oldest friend tonight, some awful things about my own mother. The simple fact is, I just don't like her. We lost my dad a couple of years ago after the best part of a decade of needing constant care, and to be honest now she is ailing, I simply can't wait to get away from her and the goddamn caring. I truly have compassion fatigue, and sadly, because she and I are not emotionally or mentally compatible, she'll have to go into care if her health deteriorates as there is no way on earth I'm having here living with me. I would have dad here in a heartbeat as he was so much fun and I adored him. I've learned to protect myself a little with a few boundaries these days; it's hard-I wish her no harm, I just want nothing to do with her as being around her and her manner makes me feel like shit- every. single. time. I'm always saying "oh fuck off" in my head to her. I used to feel bad about it but didn't feel like this, ever over my dad, so I know it's a 'her' thing, not a 'me' thing. As the saying goes. we can choose our friends, but we can't choose our family. Try and out in the smallest boundary OP, for your own sanity. I also needed Sertraline to get me through my dads illness and her ridiculous expectations of support required during that time. X

I think she has to make a choice:
Either
She wants YOU to be there for a bit most days, in which case she has to move near you, like really near you!
Or
She values living where she is now, with friends etc around her, so she has to make it work with you only there occasionally because it's so far, which will mean paying for carers/emergency bell/home help extra or a care home place.

Well my children were adults at the time, and at the time I had not realised she was in the early stages of dementia. She has been verbally abusive for as long as I remember, but I think the dementia meant that her mask slipped - it's long term complicated and you are right I should walk away but she's 96 and I can't.

OP, just because your mother is bedridden doesn’t mean this is near the end. My Aunt was bedridden in a nursing home for 3 years.
Your relationship might be complicated but you can reduce what you do without out feeling guilty, especially if your mother is not nice to you.
Your mother is not being kind to you to expect you to impact on your life so much.
Yes, I don’t want to go into a home when I am older but there is no way I would want my adult children to have to look after me. I love them! I have already had that conversation with them.

You don't have to though. As hard as it is, ring SS, tell them that she's on her own and vulnerable and just go.

There isn't a cat's in hells chance I'll be caring for my mother.

Well you’re not my husband so please be happy.

YABU. You gave up your job to look after her? Why? Just increase the carers or she goes in to a home. You’re not obliged to look after her. You may never be able to find another job once she’s no longer here

Sorry @Fogey but @Dexterrr has a point. All of this is not fair on you at all, and not fair on your husband either. This is all affecting him too.