Cockroach cafe - Spring to Summer 2026

[FiniteSagacity]

New thread for us all to gather and have tea, cake and something from the stronger shelf as needed.

Keeping the cockroach name in honour of those who have graduated the thread in spite of the suggested thread names!

Thank you.
Checking in (although I graduated a good while ago under a different name).

Sorry for your loss @unsync 💐

Thank you

Thank you for the new thread.

@FiniteSagacity thank you for the new thread.

Thank you for the new thread. Sorry for your loss unsync

Checking in with biscuits.

Sorry for your loss @unsync. I hope knowing his suffering has ended is a comfort as you feel the grief of finally losing him. 💐

Thank you for the new thread.
I am mainly lurking these days as things are on an even keel for me/DM. Sending best wishes and infinite patience to those of you in the midst of it.

Spent the afternoon with DM. She has slipped a little further down. Slept fitfully for practically all of the time. She was in some distress at times but difficult to know if it is physical or something else.

Checking in on the new thread.

@unsync sorry for your loss 💐

@GnomeDePlume and @funnelfan Sending you both handholds

Whoever it was whose ER had cuckooed her way into her sister's home, I hope you and your family find a way to get her back home and get proper help. Awful situation!

On way back from what I hope will be our last DGM visit for a while. We took DS2 and the puppy, DS2 has injured his hand and is having a couple of weeks off sport. DGM was all sweetness and light in front of her DGGS, of course! She likes it when we bring the pup too as he gets loads of attention at the CH.

She's going home midweek and is already making noises about stepping the carer visits down. If that happens, I won't be anywhere near when the next crisis hits!

DF and DSM asked me this week if DGM has to go in a care home and her house has to be sold to pay for it, would I be willing for the care fees to come out of my share of the estate before anyone else's because I'm least in need of it, apparently. I said well if DGM decides to change her will, then so be it, it's not up to me. But unless that's what her will states, then no. Proper CFs.

The hard boundaries are coming, oh yes they are!

@GnomeDePlume I hope that they can continue to keep your DM comfortable and that your DB is being tolerable at the moment.

Jeez @CrazyGoatLady definitely back away and leave the CF's to deal with it. You have been running yourself ragged, no more I hope.

Another day, another 💩 accident. DF had the cheek to say to DH that he had been coming less recently. DH pointed out that he didn't agree to put him into bed on weekends (he has four carer calls on those days. DH has been M-F every night to put him into bed plus attended several times to deal with poo accidents and taken him to a hospital appointment. I am also taking him to the GP tomorrow for bloods. Whatever we do it is never enough.

Checking in; all quiet in my neck of the woods for the time being.
@GnomeDePlume I hope it’s not long now.
@CrazyGoatLady Jesus Christ they have some nerve. Glad you told them to more or less f* off.
Solidarité to all 🍷

Thank you for the new thread.
I feel terrible guilt at not keeping up with the thread. I don’t have the capacity lately even though things are nice and steady and I’m far less stressed now.
I start ADHD medication this next week and am wondering how that will go. Eldest dd is causing concern with her bizarre behaviour. Shes always been kooky but the drugs are making her worse. She came to see me briefly today. Youngest DD is back home and being ok. No Mother’s Day present but I did get a nice cared. Ds is really struggling at the moment and I’ve got him booked in privately for an autism assessment in the next few weeks. There’s no doubt about it but the official diagnosis is important with him going to secondary school in September. The cat is great and remains as cute and comforting as ever. Last but not least is mum and she’s doing great. She’s off the Oramorph completely and shows only the odd sign of forgetfulness that I don’t think is unusual at 86. She’s doing her exercises and getting out more with me and (rarely) others. I’m taking her out with Ds for the day this next week to go shopping!! I’m taking her to Victoria’s Secret for new bras. I love that at 86 she’s shopping there. We w borrowed a wheelchair and are getting the train and tram to the big shopping centre. It will be an adventure and tiring for all but mentally it will be great for her to be out in the real world. She’s buying lunch 😁 I think it will be hard for her to be sat for hours in the wheelchair as she’s up and about so much now but as long as she stands to stretch regularly I think and hope it will be ok. The fact she is willing to go on such an adventure is a huge achievement. It’s an uber, a train and two trams but in total about 90 minutes so not too bad and lots to see along the way. Im
determined to make the most of these better times because we all know what he bad times are like and they nearly did for me last year.
Sending beautifully decorated spring cookies to you all and hard liquor for those whose needs are greater than fat and carbs x

@Dormit that does sound like a much more encouraging update.

@CrazyGoatLady sounds like your DF has been counting on your DGM's money. This goes some way to explain why he is so keen to keep DGM's care 'in house'.

@Choconuttolata I think that some people are insatiable in their demands for others' time and attention.

@Dormit I hope you have a lovely trip with your DM.

I realised yesterday that DM no longer likes tea. DM was a great tea drinker, this feels like the last trace of her has gone.

@CrazyGoatLady funny how your DF and SM recognise you have a well paid important job when it comes to divvying up the theoretical inheritance, but not when it comes to splitting up all the work. Do they need money for anything - it seems so alien to me to actively want to profit over your own DC and DGC ?

@Dormit nice to hear from you, glad things are going well.

For me, I am feeling a bit more like my old self now that DPs are in the care home. I booked some accommodation for our upcoming holiday at the end of May yesterday- I hadn’t bothered before because I didn’t think we would be able to go. We are away in UK at the minute- was booked before all this happened- and had a few random calls from them yesterday, plus I had phoned DM for Mothers Day. DH has to remind me that whatever the call is, they are safe and cared for in the home. Once we are back home I will be able to drop in frequently as it’s only 5 minutes drive from us. There is a lot of admin to sort out regarding their house and finances, but at least I can do that at my own pace.

Thanks for the new thread @FiniteSagacity not sure you meant to tag me @CrazyGoatLady as things are relatively stable for DM at the moment in her CH, and I don’t particularly need a handhold anymore than anyone else in the cafe.

Well, not for that anyway. I’ve come down with a particularly bad bout of norovirus and am currently wiped out. Yesterday I was lying on the sofa watching TV and a programme came on that I don’t like but I couldn’t summon the energy to pick up the remote in front of me and change channel. Hoping I can get to the stage of having a shower today.

Thanks for new thread. All quiet here at the moment. Touch wood.

Thanks for new thread.

Week 6 of EOL care for my dad who celebrated his birthday last week. Well I say celebrated but he slept through most our visit and the CH staff loudly singing Happy Birthday. He did seem to like the helium balloon when he woke up and I left him clutching it.

He is still eating a small amount each day, all mushed up since he can't swallow very well. I have no idea how long this will take but i've had to commit to overseas work next month.

Much sympathy 💐. It's the not knowing isnt it? It sounds horrible but you cant put your life on hold.

@rookiemere was wondering how things were with DPs, must be nice to have your life back a bit.

@funnelfan must have had you confused with someone else, sorry!

The stepping back was a pipe dream. DF is unwell after a minor surgery that had complications, so I've got to go back later this week to sort discharge day out. DGM has chucked a merry fit - not concerned at all about DF, only that she has to go home 24hrs later because I can't be there on the day originally booked due to being away for work. I've no choice but to go and do it, but I'm not staying. Once she's home and the evening carers have been to sort her out for bed, I'm away home. I'm not staying to wait on her hand and foot like DF does. She wanted to be at home, so she can crack on with it.

I've said if we're back here again in a few weeks, I will NOT be facilitating anything for another discharge home. If DF chooses to carry on with this merry go round, he can support her entirely. It can't be fair that DGM's illusion of "independence" depends on DF compromising his health and me putting the needs of my own family and my wellbeing last.

It’s been a while since I posted but we’re still hanging grimly in there with FIL.

Solidarité 🍷

@CrazyGoatLady when your DGM is throwing a conniption fit has anyone ever said to her 'I dont care, this is what is happening'.

Easier said than done I know.

Thanks for the new thread.

Some good news for me- we now have a date for mum's dementia assessment (she's had brain scans etc). This will now be with the community mental health team rather than memory clinic due to delusions etc that I reported to her GP (apparently this made the wait slightly shorter).
The not so good news is that I suspect they will ask about the impact on her life and at the moment I fear she will say there is none. She is staying with B most of the time so doesn't have the problems with remembering to eat/how to make simple meals etc (although I suspect she doesn't eat when they are out at work), doesn't have the night time paranoia (because someone else is in the house) and doesn't even try to do anything for herself so she doesn't acknowledge that she couldn't. I manage all her household admin/finances/medical stuff so again, as far as she is concerned her decline has no impact there either. She and B are of the opinion that her paranoia/delusions/hallucinations when she was at her own house can't be a symptom of dementia because they aren't happening when she is with him and has people around her. I think being around people is making her less scared and more able to mask her delusions. She regularly says odd things to me when I see her or speak to her on the phone when they are not around eg. being adamant that awful things actually did happen in her house previously but she didn't tell me at the time (for a number of reasons that make no real sense). If these things were real, as well as being very strange and frightening, they would have been a big deal and something that I would definitely have known about. She also tells me not to tell anyone else, so I suspect she's probably keeping things from me too.

I wondered whether anyone has any experience of what to expect from a community mental health team dementia assessment? They will be visiting us at her house (she doesn't want them to go to B's house, I suspect because they would see that it is not a sustainable living arrangement). When Mum had an initial memory assessment at the GP she scored pretty well because she can remember things like who is prime minister, can count etc and can recall basic information in the very short term. What she struggles with is processing simple instructions, remembering words and paranoia/delusions. At the moment she is avoiding having to follow any instructions etc and not acknowledging delusions so she will attempt to present herself as just getting words confused sometimes and managing perfectly well. I had been keeping a log of her problems/unusual behaviours etc but since she has been with B I have seen less of it and B is also not willing to accept that there's a real problem. I have noted the unusual claims she makes but of course she is adamant that these things were real.
It's taken us ages to get this assessment and I really don't want her to convince them that everything's fine when I know that if she had to attempt to spend time alone or do any normal things for herself everything would fall apart.