AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

Yes that's what happens. It is what is happening with MIL atm - she doesn't want to go into a home so she's looked after by carers and the family.

Oh gosh … yes those words resonate with me, although at least there’s a will in place. As horrid as it seems, I think I will also reach a point where I can’t/dont want to grieve… and will just feel a sense of relief. These situations are about quality of life for everyone.
I have decided to go home after 2 weeks … that’s all the time I can afford … get care in place for that time and then visit weekly on a set day and get my weekends back so I can enjoy them with DH when he returns. That way, I’m doing my bit but spending quality time with friends and my husband.
this situation will not last forever …
I’m so sorry you’re having a bad time without a will … what a mess … as if things aren’t bad enough! I really hope you get it sorted, and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

She doesn’t want to go into a care home.

Mil recovered from a fractured pelvis (90) and my mother recovered from a fractured hip (86) it can go either way.

Have you had a conversation with your mum about how you can’t continue like this? Ask her what she suggests.

my MIL had to go into a care home in the end, social services will help give an assessment about the level of care needs. We couldn’t give up our jobs to care for her (and honestly didn’t want to give up our lives to do so). Care homes are expensive but worth every penny!

Why are you posting such nonsense? Why is there no hope of recovery? A broken pelvis shouldn't be fatal or cause someone to be bedbound for the rest of their lives. My mil broke her pelvis in Nov and is now back to normal, which for her is frail but mobile (she's 92).

The difficulty here is that your Mum is making the decision not to go into a residential home based on what you are doing for her. If you were able to explain to her that you cannot continue to do all this she would be basing her decision on different facts.

These are such hard decisions - it sounds as though she is nearing the very end of her life and I can understand that you want to do what you can, but we all have our limitations. And I know that sometimes we make these decisions with an eye to the future - how will I feel when she dies if I have not done everything I can? But this does not alter your own limitations.

I know when my OH died I just felt relief - all the burden of care, of fighting for funding for care, of dealing with the guilt of him going into a nursing home and of making the decision to let his life end rather than have him go to hospital - all at an end. It is normal.

You are doing all you can, and you can do no more. You have lots of responsibilities to balance - and you too are one of those responsibilities. You must look after yourself. You matter too.

I was in a very similar situation with my mum. I was the only carer being an only child so didn’t have resentment regarding others not helping but I have 2 teens. She’d actually moved to across the road to me in her early 80s which was fine to start with but then she went downhill health wise and more and more dependent. We bought in a tiny amount of care but it wasn’t up to much and she didn’t help the situation. Whilst she was judged to have capacity I do think there were issues around memory, processing and full understanding of the situation. She had her truth which wasn’t really reality. I’m not convinced she understood the impact of her decisions on the rest of the family. She ended up in hospital with an infection (5 ambulance call outs in 24 hours, the previous week we had 3 call outs in a similar time scale, the gp called me about this and I broke down, not for the first time in those years). We all agreed she couldn’t live alone any more but because she had capacity it had to be her decision. Finally it was (I suspect on the basis of leaving hospital on a trial basis). and the care home was a godsend, the carers were far and away miles better than the ones we had at home. It came with other problems, not least a lot further from my home. She hated me finally, blamed me for everything, was increasingly abusive (verbally and physically) and she played me up. She wasn’t a bad woman, though could be difficult, she had a very traumatic early life. I couldn’t back off completely but certainly I did back off a bit once she was in the care home as it was making me ill and I knew she was being looked after better than I could do. She died last year at 95, during the half term one of my teens was doing a levels and the other GCSEs. She finally made her own decision to refuse hospital treatment but even on her deathbed she was horrid to me as I wouldn’t and couldn’t do what she wanted.

I do feel for you. It’s such a difficult time. Sure we can all see that she needs more help
but if she doesn’t agree to it, we just carry on. It’s hard to back off completely but that was the advice of my mums social worker and that really is the only thing we can control. It’s nearly a year since my mum died and I’m not sure I feel anything really. I miss the woman she was when I was young, though even then she wasn’t an easy person to be around, but I don’t miss those last years. I’m not sure I’ll ever be the same, a year on I’m certainly not.

I wish you well. It’s not an easy path and I suspect unless you’ve walked it you don’t quite get it. I think that’s why people keep suggesting care without understanding the nature of capacity.

I think Social Services can increase the carers visits to a maximum of 4 visits per day-this is what we were told by a London council.

I think we could be sisters 😂 I was in exactly the same position with my dad; 100 miles away and travelling down every other weekend. We weren’t close, he was very racist (offended his grandchildren to the point that they didn’t want to visit ) and was very entitled.
I was utterly exhausted- I didn’t realise how worn down I was until he died last Autumn. I sat with him for days and - I know it sounds awful - but whilst feeling sad that his life had ended, I was relieved at the end.
I’m still sorting out his estate and don’t think I’ll feel properly relaxed until I do.
And then I’m off to Greece!
So hang in there and look after yourself; prioritise things that you enjoy and don’t feel guilty about anything.

It’s highly possible. My mother had very little care and it wasn’t until she had to go into hospital and we had no choice but to get her into a home that she got adequate care. It takes a very long time to get a person assessed then a decision to be made then the extra care to be implemented - that’s if there is a company with capacity to provide the care that’s needed. It’s one of the reasons there are elderly people ‘dumped’ in A&E and blocking beds in hospitals unfortunately

She needs more paid care or a home

Big hugs to you my lovely. You're doing your best and that's all you can do. One day you'll wake up and life will be different for you, but it can sure be a trying time when looking after elderly parents. Relationships are complicated, and whilst your mum had a fall out with your daughter, I bet she regrets it, especially as there's no way to make amends. All we can do in life is to treat others how we wish to be treated ourselves, even if those people have made our lives difficult. Forgiveness is key, I bet your mum wishes she wasn't this way, and I know you wish you didn't feel this way. Forgive yourself for your thoughts, you're only human. And it looks to me that you're doing everything you can. ❤️

A lot of your post is similar to my life right now. But the worst part is trying to get social services to step up. They won't. I literally hate them!

I work full time and try to batch cook. The traveling is debilitating. I don't stay more than 2 days.

The anxiety is hard to manage. I bit back a few months back. It made me feel shit. Had a big word with myself as it serves no purpose to point out inequalities. Just upsets me.

Just want to empathise with you. My parent isn't a racist. Things are hard enough without that.

I think everyone understand your point that she cannot be forced into a care home OP. But I think what is being suggested is that if you were not so available - if you were still working and living 100 miles away and came to help out less than you do - residential care would be the next logical step

You had me at racist. Stop providing care and she will have to go into a home.

I am a carer for my own mum so I understand how hard it is.

I left my country of origin, by the way, for some reasons. 😁
About 22 years ago.
My (elderly, abusive) 83 yo parent is still around.

Brilliant! Thank you! Hope you get stuff sorted very soon x

You absolutely shouldn't feel obliged to physically care for your mum. You live too far away.
There is no reason why you shouldn't take a step back and manage her care at a distance, arranging for her to have an adequate number of carer visits, grocery deliveries for the carers to put away, etc. You could still visit occasionally and, of course, ring her frequently. Make sure that any agency involved, including her GP know that you are not regularly available.

My MIL is just beginning to become more dependant and also lives at a distance. DH feels duty bound. I do not feel this way.

To quote DS who said to his GF in front of me as they were telling me about their future plans . My Mum will be a great MIL because Granny was so horrible to her she knows exactly what not to do. Now if she was my Mother I would have probably felt the pull to do something, regardless of how she had been. I have known her since she was younger than I am now and looking back she only ever wants something. She has never offered anything. My Mother would have been a 100 this year and was none of those things so I don’t buy it’s all generational.

I feel very sorry for you because there is that pull between child and Mother that is so strong even when they are awful there is a loyalty there that they don’t deserve. Find your boundaries and all the best.

You ANBU, and definitely not a cow. Does your mum have dementia? My mum lives in Same town as me, my brother lives 20 mins away, we lost dad 14 years ago and mum is nearly 80 and diagnosed with dementia last year. She lives in her own home and is independent but memory getting worse and we worry about what the future holds. In your case I would absolutely look at more carers or help so you can take some of the burden off yourself as you will end up ill yourself. Does your niece who lives 4 doors down speak to you? Would she help out if you asked her? Look after yourself lovely, your mum doesn’t sound at all appreciative of what you do

No need to be so nasty to OP!!

You sound like a very kind woman.
Watch your own health OP too.
Well done for making a more manageable plan going forward.

That makes it even more important for her to more carer service or preferably into a care home. You will be worn into a frazzle if you try to go on like this. The grand-daughter should be stepping up too. Destroying your health and not helping you marriage are another couple of good reasons to stop.

You are doing an amazing job, OP. You’ll be able to look back on this time with quiet satisfaction. My MIL refused to go into a care home despite being scared and lonely at home. My DH was her only living child in this country. It was an exhausting and difficult time and there were two of us. It really put a strain on things. MIL had dementia and I really wish I had put my foot down earlier. We struggled on with carers but she ended up in hospital and an assessment meant she couldn’t go home. She moved into a lovely care home close to us which we found and it was such a relief for everyone, including her. She was v well looked after and had great end of life care. She was safe and socialised. DH and I and other relatives could visit every day which we did. I couldn’t believe how quickly she adapted to the care home after all the resistance. Wish we’d done it years ago. She would have got so much out of the social side. She only lasted a couple of months after moving in but I saw first hand the card she got, as I was the one who was there when she was end of life (DH was overseas). I’d really really urge a proper care home and 24 hour care at her age. MIL had a nurse on call 24 hours a day and her room was closest to the nursing station. You DM might resist but the relief when she is getting proper 24 care is palpable. I’d really use the respite care to push for this. It’s a pivotal moment. Don’t go back to the current scenario. It is not sustainable and she needs proper care if she is bed bound and 95. Good luck. It’s the toughest shift but this too will pass. Do something lovely for yourself and DH when it does.