AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

Then residential care is the answer.

She doesn’t want to go into a care home unfortunately.

Yes of course the mums wants shouldn’t trump the ops but that’s not how it works - you can’t force her to go into a care home! The care home will not enforce it, social services will not enforce it when there are other options.

Not many people do but right now she’s ruining your life. It would be bad enough if she was grateful but your current situation isn’t sustainable.
it’s not an easy thing, OP but I think you’re going to have to pull back from the level of care you’re doing before it makes you ill. Can your mum afford live in carers? Or private care visits?
speak to her dr or social services maybe.

I understand exactly what you’re saying and appreciate your comments. However, as she does not have dementia, she cannot be forced to go into care. I have now set up additional care and will be returning home after 2 weeks. I will continue to visit on a weekly basis … I agree with you and have re-evaluated what I’m doing - especially given the comments I have read on this site. I cannot do any more than I am doing for now but will step a little further away in a fortnight. She may not even last that long?

I’m sad that some people prefer to attack an already fragile situation.

This is the aibu forum. It's a debate forum. You asked if you were being a cow for not liking your mum. People reply bluntly.

Nothing but sympathy and support. I hadn’t realised that you could be looking at end of life care. That’s so hard. I’m glad you’ve set up extra care, for your own sake. It’s hard to love someone when you’re so tired and worn down.
💐

The "guilt vs. resentment" battle is always there isn't it. Feeling guilty for not wanting to do more and feeling resentful that you spend precious free time with someone who is making your life difficult. I hear you OP.

Similar situ for me and my parents. DM is bed bound/wheel chair bound, has to be hoisted etc. When she had her diagnosis my DF and I accepted anything from SS to make our lives easier. But the emotional blackmail I get from her if I don't visit 🙄is horrible and people say 'stop seeing her then!'...its not as easy as that! Yes, she's difficult and manipulative but she's also been an amazing mum to me and grandma to my kids. Her behaviour comes from fear...fear that she'll end up in a care home (she will if anything happens to my DF)...we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Sounds like you have a plan in place. Stick to it as much as you can and don't let her or SS get you doing more than you're prepared to do. Live with the guilt rather than resentment. 💐

Apart from the ‘shame’ phrase, I agree.
Elderly parents have looked after their children for approximately 18 years. Adult children usually look after elderly parents for a lot less time than that. But, generally, when they are near retirement themselves. It’s always been this way. You rightly feel you can’t cope and that she hasn’t treated you and her other family particularly well. She hasn’t changed but she needs help. You can provide that but you don’t have to physically be the carer. The right residential home can be fantastic. My mum, a very different character from yours, loved the company, the activities, the food, her room, the security. Friends’ mums have enjoyed/endured care in their home-3-4 times a day. Respite care, in a home of your careful choosing, can also offer hope! This would relieve you to visit far less. You have a conscience and are to be admired for that. You also need a life, of your own, which can still include your mum to a lesser degree.

I found caring for my elderly parents more and more stressful the older they and I got. My father really was an awkward old b***. Rude and very set in his ways. It was 120 mile round trip for me so missing time with my own children made it harder. Thankfully they had a very good neighbour and a friend that I could rely on to let me know when things were amiss. And my sis i law was a godsend. Their neediness and to point selfishness did not help the relationship. It all blew up when they made their will and my mother aimed to leave 50% to her 2 grandsons who had lived in Australia for many years who never wrote, phoned, sent cards. Nothing. My 2 boys didnt need any help apparently. I told her that I hoped she had someone else lined up for all her future hospital and doctors appointments and the shopping and cleaning because Iwas done. Even her solicitor told her she was leaving it open to be contested! We were never the same after that. And she didnt leave Sheila a penny. But it needed saying

I did similar with my parents for about 10 years though they didn’t live quite so far from me and I was only working part time for most of that time. My sisters also helped out although they lived further away.
My parents did have daily carers at that time but we did the things not covered by that. My mum was lovely but had dementia and my dad was more difficult but not excessively.
I personally don’t think that children have an obligation to look after their parents although I know this is a contentious view!
You have obligations to your children I believe because you gave birth to them but it doesn’t work in reverse.
Once you recognise that there is no obligation involved do what you want to or can easily do and put systems in place for the rest?

She NEEDS to be in a care home, don't give a fuck about what she wants, it's what she needs.

you have your life to live

As social care assessment via your local authority will assess how realistic it is for the current arrangements to prevail.
My late mother was moved from hospital into a care home because two people decided she was not fit to be at home by herself albeit carers visited at several points through the day. And I visited.
So please organise a care assessment.

I agree with this and have done the same.

From the OP:

I’ve given in my notice at work,...
...sacrifices I’ve made...
... won’t help out so it’s all on me.
...currently doing everything for her
.... being made to sacrifice so much
..I’m caught between a rock and a hard place

This is all your CHOICE. You could have chosen decades ago to not do any of this and do what million of other families do, and buy in help. I have an elderly mother, who lives 90 minutes from me. I will not be moving in with her, providing personal care or any of the rest of it.

Sister and I helped out for a short term (like a week each) last year when she had an operation. Anything more regular or longterm and she has the cash to get professionals in.

Hmmm her mum could live to be 100 though? & OP is in her 60s herself. My dad died at 72. fit healthy, non smoker, drank little, played golf 4 times a week. Brain tumour. Died within 4 months of diagnosis. My Mum died at 77. OP isn't guaranteed a long life just because her Mum has made it to 90. OP needs to stop thinking about how her neice 'should' be helping out more though - no one should expect relatives to provide daily care for them, they should make their own provision for it and plan better whdn they are still in sound mind- ie a care home, assisted living flat. My Mum was difficult, rude etc by the end of her life. No way would I have given up my job to care for her full time. My parents also lived 140 miles from me and I visited every other weekend when my Dad was dying & my kids were 8 & 11. It was bloody hard work and heart-breaking. OP has one life & needs to outsource more care I think and involve adult social services as much as possible.

I think you should think of a care home even for respite , I work as a cook in one and you should not be shouldering all this when there is help out there

Yanbu. This is going to sound cruel but children don’t actually owe it to their parents to provide care to them. Parents choose to have children, so they aren’t doing them a favour in bringing them up, and conversely they don’t owe them care when they need it. I would never expect my daughter to care for me. When she’s in her sixties and I’m in my eighties I want her to be living her life, whether that’s caring for her own children and grandchildren, working, or travelling, and not running around after me. Many children will provide care, and that’s wonderful, but they aren’t entitled to it, and if someone can’t show an ounce of gratitude then they are even less deserving.
It’s not on her grandchildren either, any more than it’s on you, and especially if she was horrible to their mother.
Put some boundaries around what you are prepared to do- whether that’s monthly weekend visits and phone calls through the week, and make a referral to social work services to advise you can’t do any more because of the distance you live away and your own commitments.
Maybe help her organise a cleaner if she has the money and a weekly supermarket delivery?

I had to travel out regularly to oversee my father's situation after he retired abroad and refused to return home when he was diagnosed with dementia and cancer. Being self-employed it cost me my career, it very nearly cost me my home, and it was, literally, a thankless task. I did it because no one else could. When he died, I got my life back, but then Covid struck, and I got cancer (which I'm convinced was in part due to the stress of caring for him). All the happy dreams of travelling with my husband postponed yet again. My honest advice would be: Don't give up your life - you do not know how many precious days you have left to feel the sun and breathe the air. You, and your own wishes and needs, are worth just as much as hers. virtual hug

Get careers in much more often. 3 times a day. Then go once a month.

Sorry if this has already been suggested as I haven't read the whole thread but have you looked into a Supported/Assisted Living Scheme?,would your mom be open to that?.
My mom has recently moved into one due to her worsening dementia and she really didn't want to go but she was neglecting her own needs and was putting herself in danger by opening the door to anyone etc.She had carers for 30minutes per day but it didn't help much.
Prior to her moving it was just my sister and I micromanaging every single aspect of her life like admin,bills,shopping,meals,housework etc and it was exhausting as we both work and have our own families and households to run too.
Can't imagine what it must be like when there's only one of you carrying all the load,you must be frazzled 😩.

PS I echo Emmz1510 -- children do not owe parents care. As a loving parent, the last thing I want is for my daughter to go through what I did.

YANBU to resent doing this alone, because you feel the way you feel, but...... you don't have to do it! If you fell under the proverbial bus, your mother would have to manage without you. So you have a choice - do it or don't do it, that's up to you, but don't blame others for having agency and making their own decisions.

It's time for residential care. Have a chat with Social Services and/or Age Concern and put your time in to finding her somewhere to move to. Do not feel guilty about this, as the care she gets will be 24/7, and you cannot give her that.

You should make sure Lasting Power of Attorney is in place also.

Please don't continue to sacrifice your life and your health for someone who is ungrateful. Yes, she is your mother, but that does not give her the right to be so unpleasant. You and your husband deserve to be happy, and you won't be in this situation.