AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

Why are you doing it? Anything you do is a blessing. You don’t have to. If you weren’t there, couldn’t drive, were ill… she’d manage. That’s what you need to do.

With respect, your sister died. You could die. Do you want to spend precious healthy years on her?

Im sorry you're in such a bind

Its crap... Im on year 3...after 14 years if long arm caring for my monegenarian ungrateful parent..

Its cost me dearly in terms of my health, career/relationship . Local agencies are various types of pretty useless.

It's crap... Do everything you can to extricate yourself.

Ask around for good local private carers and increase to at least 4 times daily.

Yes, she’s been bedridden for the last few weeks … hence why I’ve been here … she wasn’t always physically this bad but for the last 8 years has depended on me significantly. Work will not give me time off and so I’ve had to give up to look after mum because she doesn’t want to go into a care home (she has all her marbles and do can’t be forced) …

You’re not being a cow at all! It’s perfectly normal to be caring for someone and to love them AND be irritated by them in equal measure. You are reassuringly normal and shouldn’t feel guilt at those two competing feelings. To the 7% who voted/said you’re being unreasonable, l’ll bet they’ve never cared for an elderly parent!

Even though she’s 100 miles away, have you moved in to care for her or are you going back and forth? If she’s bed bound, hopefully she’s under the care of a local frailty team or district nurses? Definitely explore getting carers more than once a day. If she’s state funded she will be able to get carers 4 times a day and if she’s self-funding, I assume you can have as much as you’re willing to pay for.

Look after yourself though. As the saying goes, ‘you don’t have to set yourself on fire in order to keep others warm’ and the same is true here.

Also, when things deteriorate further, do you have LPA? Assuming she has capacity at the moment and the means (and hopefully also gets Attendance Allowance), if you’re struggling financially with the cost of fuel, there’s no shame in asking her to contribute.

I’m not saying this is a solution but what happens if you stop going?

She should be in a nursing home. You shouldn’t have to shoulder the responsibility of all this.

This just doesn’t sound sustainable. For you in particular but also for your husband who is left behind.

And your job! Why should you quit to look after her?

She needs residential care!

That's not a helpful comment. Pointing your finger and judging when someone is having a really difficult time is quite mean. Relationships are not all black and white. She probably loves her mum in spite of everything so it's not that easy to just stop what she's doing. She'd have to organise a lot of care support before she stops doing the caring as I don't think she'd live with herself if something avoidable happened to her mum.

Yes I agree with you … I am angry that when she fell out with my sister I said that the repercussions of her decision would be far reaching … however, I didn’t realise they would impact on me so harshly.

I agree. MN loves a ‘LTB’ of ‘go NC’ but life and relationships are complicated and sometimes cutting someone loose is not emotionally an option. For better or worse.

So you’re there atm?

she has one hour of care a day. And she’s bed ridden.

I understand her granddaughters don’t want to know. But they are your nieces so will they help you (not your mum)? So help you emotionally so you can pop around for a coffee and so on. You don’t need to be isolated anymore than you are already.

try to up the care package, gardener and cleaners in for everything else. Make it as easy as possible for yourself.

The woman is a racist, a snob and uncaring
She was “vile” to her daughter
and I imagine we have heard the tip of the iceberg.

So no… I wouldn’t think twice about saying she needs to go to a home or get fine time care, because i won’t be doing it

Well that’s fine for you. My Dad was lots of terrible things but he also had a terrible life and he was my dad. So I did think twice about abandoning him, as lots of people do. I’m not advocating for anything - I am merely pointing out it’s not as simple as some people make it sound.

Have you found your way to the Elderly Parents board? When I was going through this kind of thing I found support there.
It can be helpful just knowing you're not alone with what is a really difficult, intractable problem full of complicated emotions and different pulls on your time and energy.

So you did cut him out? Just as i am saying I would

or you thought twice and decided to suck it up?

Still wondering why you are doing this...
You didn't have to give up your job
Some people are bedridden for years

Id not be happy at all if I were your husband

No I didn’t. I’m not sure where the ambiguity was? Maybe you think I thought twice then did it? No I didn’t.

Sorry quoted wrong person

Yes. I’m living here 24/7 for the next 3 weeks and then hoping for respite care .

She’s her mum. It’s not easy to walk away. (I’m not saying she shouldn’t walk away by the way, I’m just saying it’s hard).

Ok so the ends in sight
only 3 more weeks
I’d be marking off every day

OP I think you need to ask social services to do a carers assessment and be blunt you cannot provide all of what she needs. You don’t owe your mum this level of care especially is she’s as vile and uncaring as you say!

You gave up your job but in 3 weeks time you’ll be outta there!

This is crazy! Contact social services. People that are bed bound should be having 4 care calls a day. People can live like this for a long time and it should not be down to you to provide the care.