AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

You missed his 60th
You haven’t been home for weeks
you missed a two week holiday
and you jacked in your job

It’s a countdown then!

I reiterate … you’re not my husband … he’s in Cyprus for 6 months with the military so back off.

Wow … that’s a tough call. Sympathies x

She can't be forced to go into a care home but you shouldn't be forced by your own sense of duty to basically ruin your life to care for her. I can't believe that you gave up your job to do this. Can you afford to do this?

She has no redeeming features, she has alienated her grandchildren due to the way she treated their mother and she is really someone that should reap what they have sown.

We have made it clear to our mum we won’t be caring for her. Yes we do stuff now so taking to appointments shopping etc but we have carers going in everyday.

my mums slightly younger than yours and we are all mid 60s and not in good health ourselves. Two of us also still work

when the time comes she will be moved into a care home

may sound harsh but we have to think of ourselves and our families as well

And he’s 65?

Yes I can afford to do this but I enjoy what I do … it’s such a shame. Please have in mind that at no time in this post have is said that my mum has “no redeeming features”… that might be your take on things but I have never said that and in actual fact she can be hugely generous and funny. I just resent the way she treated my sister. Please do not invent your own opinion on things that have not come from the original source.

You agreed with previous post saying “your poor husband”

Oh my goodness , you are doing far far too much , you are sacrificing your life , your life is on hold , your husbands is on hold too ,read over what you have told us , the things you have cancelled the experiences you have missed out on , the money you have spent /continue to spend.
In theory this could go on another 10years ,you just don't know, many elderly people reach 100 nowadays.
You must make a stand and do it quick , if it upsets her that you plan to do less then so be it , i imagine you are claiming what you can for her and yourself maybe ? so increase the carers .
You have every right to begrudge what you are doing ,any one would !, i do a fraction of what you are doing for my elderly mother and i absolutely would prefer not to, i don't think you can object to her granddaughter not wanting to help either i don't blame her.
I hope you get this sorted out very quickly , your mother has lived her life and whether she has the good grace or not to allow you to now live yours by doing things that bring you pleasure you must go for it, you only get this one chance.

It was my take on things as I wouldn't be able to find any redeeming features in a racist snob who treated her own daughter so badly that her grandchildren won't have anything to do with her.

Forgot to add , can't understand why anyone would click YABU.
You sound lovely and your mother should be very grateful to have you .

Yes I did agree that he has been a star. This is dull … it’s not about my husband this is about my mother. However, if you wish to be a pedant:
I missed his birthday call to Cyprus because I had to deal with an issue here. I haven’t been home in weeks, but neither has he. Over the past 8 years he has been very patient … and so have I, as his deployments are usually several weeks . In my original
post I never mentioned my husband other than his birthday … it seems you have fabricated that he is somehow aggrieved by this scenario. He is used to it . It is me who is complaining. You appear to have a perfect grasp of the non-essentials. This conversation is now closed.

You are facilitating her behaviour. Masking the level of need, in effect. But it’s your choice. I have chosen a level of contact with DM which is more than she deserves but which I can live with- look myself in the mirror guilt free. I’m currently staying in work instead of retiring so I am not expected to spend all my time with her.

However, I recognise it’s the choice I have made, and there are other options. Don’t feel powerless, own the choice you are making.

Really useful comment, thank you- I think it’s the guilt I’m afraid of. However, I suspect the situation won’t last too much longer. Thanks for you comment.

yes, I get that … it’s emotional on all sides. I didn’t mean to be rude, I understand but I’m trying to be factual. No hard feelings x

Cut off is 65 for RAF.

Seriously, if you were to break a leg, she wouldn't have a choice but to go in a care home. You are enabling her "choices" which wouldn't be choices if you weren't there...

Go home to sort out your tooth, as a fit 60yo, teeth are important.

Agreed. You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep your mum warm.

Thanks. I’m not actually all that lovely but I just feel relieved that for those majority of posts people have been really kind and offered lots of ideas and support. Thank you x

Haha! Thank you! All of a sudden breaking a leg looks quite attractive! Yes, tooth will be sorted soon - thanks for your support.

Try to dial down your feelings of guilt if you can. It can be hard as the tales of ‘but I looked after both sets of your grandparents’ spring easily from elderly parents lips, conveniently forgetting that they were 20 years younger when their parents became frail and didn’t last as long as this generation do when they became ill.

It is hard having to care for very elderly frail parents and the unknown element of how long things are likely to go on for that is worst challenge I found.

Try to be kind to yourself and make sure you can schedule regular breaks for yourself.

Sending you best wishes and strength.

I think saying that the OP chose to do this is unfair IMO.

My DM effectively became carers for my DGM and DGF. DGF first, as we diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (riddled with it) and DGM was afraid of having to administer morphine to DGF so called on DM to do it, until he eventually got moved to a hospice.

DGM had a stroke post DGF passing and whilst she was allowed home with 6 weeks of post discharge care, she absolutely hated having carers in her home and purposely used to lock them out (resulting in calls to DM as her closest NOK. My aunt lived more than 200 miles away). My DM used to visit every day as DGM turned into a very untrustworthy person post the stroke, devious, paranoid, habitual liar, you name it. It wasn’t until she had a fall that the hospital agreed she could not go home and she was moved to a care home.

The stress on my mum was enormous and really took its toll, but what could she have done? I was/am 150 miles away from then so whilst I absolutely offered to share the ‘burden’, being a 3 1/2 hour drive away isn’t very practical.

People saying move closer, WTAF!!!

@Fogey I honestly empathise and sympathise. Until someone carries that particular weight of being a carer like you, they have no idea.

It is very hard to do it all alone. The lack of thanks/care about your tooth etc unfortunately is common as people age. I found it like a toddler in some ways-they just don't have the capacity, or understanding, for other people's needs. Obviously I know that doesn't apply to everyone.