AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

I think you have done a brilliant job but should try and pull back quite a lot. It seems she isn’t even that grateful? You have your own life to lead too

We often use empathy and interest in others as a gauge on how Mil is doing. Dh is her golden boy and when she showed no concern for his quite serious health condition, deflected and brought it back to herself it was a bad moment for more than one reason. Definitely very hard to do alone. And hard because I still think the reality doesn’t get talked about enough, being honest about how you feel will often lead to one of two reactions - judgement that you are not being a saint accepting you lot joyfully or judgement that you are being a doormat and should just walk away - neither are helpful. The elderly parents forum is an easier place to find support (with less judgement)

You've done an amazing job and can hold your head high. But know when to say when - it's time for some extra help. Get carers involved, have some much needed time for you. This could genuinely go on for years and the sooner you accept help, the better for you, your health and your life ❤️

It's a very hard task you have given yourself OP and your mum should be v grateful ( although it doesn't seem like she is). You need more help. In my experience very elderly people don't want outside help, their preference is for any family to step in but that's very tricky long term. They don't see the difficulty of course, they are getting what they want. As other have said go over to the Elderly parents board. Lots of support there.

So she can't be forced into a care home, but YOU can be forced to give up your career, your family life and your soul to care for an ungrateful racist snob who actively dislikes you?

You need to see this for what it is op. She's making decisions based on your facilitating her life. Without you there she would absolutely be admitted to a care home as her needs are VAST. You shouldn't be expected to sacrifice ANYTHING to support her 'choices'.

Take a big step back - metaphorically and physically. Your DH is a saint.

If you suspect time may be short for your mum she will be entitled to free care. You could be there all the time and she could have 4 care calls a day. It would help you to be her daughter, not a carer; it might take the pressure off a bit. I would get in touch with her GP or the district nurses who can organise the care.

Thank you … have contacted them today for an assessment and have got in touch with a SMASH hub for a few weeks respite care.
I honestly thought she was dying last week as the hospital let her out quite early (she fell and fractured her pelvis) … carers do come in once a day to wash her which does help (thought I’d put this on my original post).
She has agreed to respite care if a bed is available ( this is a miracle!).
thank you for not judging … the vast majority of posts on here have been supportive and encouraged me to action. I’m sad that some people prefer to attack an already fragile situation. Xx

just to set he record straight, my mum does not “actively dislike” me … that’s your opinion: I have never said that and neither would I. She’s difficult to deal with but she doesn’t hate me.

You do really need to get social services involved ASAP - telling them your mother is vulnerable and at risk - apparently the buzzwords - and that you CANNOT and WILL NOT do it any more.
I dare say your mother won’t like it, but she will just have to lump it.

You have done a lot more than your bit, so the other thing you must do, is NOT to feel guilty about it!

YANBU at all. I think anyone would feel that way.

It's hard to know what a better answer is, other than have her move closer.

As far as your sister's kids - I think it's too bad they will not pitch in to help you, which is really the point. Not the grandmother they don't like, but their aunt.

At the same time, our culture seems to teach people that they don't have any serious responsibilities beyond their own household and perhaps their job. The expectation seems to be that the state should somehow care for such people, because obviously it falls to people who have no relation to them at all to do this.

Definitely not unreasonable. I could have written this almost word for word a few months ago although we lived a lot closer. My mother has now passed. Most of the time I didn’t like her either - she was also a racist (I’m told it’s a generational thing 🙄), a snob, ungrateful, rude, self centred the list goes on and on.

I’m now feeling guilty because I’m not grieving. Maybe I will one day who knows but at the moment I’m busy sorting everything out as she refused to leave a will and that’s causing friction in the family so I’m just angry and annoyed at her for still making my life a misery now she’s gone.

It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to go into a home. She needs to. Why does what she wants trump what you want?

Sorry but she needs to go into a home. Don’t do this to yourself op.

It's very difficult indeed. I am a grandparents, wifowed and disabled. I fight tooth and nail to be as independent as possible, drafting in help wherever I can ... and paying for it.
My DDs do not know the half of the problems because I do not want to be a burden and become resented.
It's bloody hard and I hate it from the bottom of my heart.
So I would say you myst set a clear limit to what you are able to do and research paid options for help.in her area. Spell it all out to your mum: your input and that from elsewhere. Be clear about the limits of your input and that they are not negotiable.
Sounds hard I know but you only have one life ... and only so much of it as a fit person! You need to do your bit ... I can see you would feel very uncomfortable if you did not ... but the nature and quantity of that have to have clear limits.
One little thought ... when my dad was old I used to shop for him online from a similar distance and get it delivered to him. I phoned him to talk through what he wanted and had his card number to pay for the order.
Good luck with everything.

It matters very much whether she wants to. Mil doesn't want to and can't be forced either - we have to wait for a crisis of some sort but staying in bed all day isn't enough - in fact it's quite surprising how bad you have to be before a home is the only option.

You. Don't. Have. To. Look. After. Her.

If she has all her marbles she can arrange to be looked after in her own home..If she hasn't got savings then social services will provide the basics.

Apart from anything else this is a ridiculously brittle situation. What if you are ill?

I am horrified you gave up work unless you were desperate to anyway (if that's what you did?).

I realise there may be financial considerations that youd prefer not to go into, but please prioritise yours and your husband's health and wellbeing.

Work not giving you time off was surely the perfect justification for calling in professionals??

Of course it matters if she doesn't want to go into a home, you cannot make decisions for people who have capacity! Plenty of people decide to stay at home supported by carers for years.

No wise words just sending a hug OP. Family dynamics are complicated and you clearly feel an obligation to your mum in her final stages which is understandable.
I hope things improve for you all

@Fogey The fact that she is bedridden with a fractured pelvis is hugely important because she is unlikely to recover and maybe she should be on an end of life pathway.

It sounds like you will probably stay with her for all or most of her time remaining so if possible can you factor in time for yourself to recharge your batteries? An hour or two a day to go out, have a manicure/ coffee/ read a book in the park could help with the trapped feelings that I experience when I’ve had to care for my parents. You can hate the situation without hating the person.

Wishing you well. Take care of yourself.

You are not being ‘made to’ look after her. You’re choosing to do it out of a sense of duty. So long as she has carers you can back away. Allow yourself to back off. Get her shopping delivered when carer is there to unpack it. Give yourself some space.
don’t do it out of guilt.

No of course you are not being a cow, it’s bloody hard. My DH was doing this, going up every other weekend, Thursday - Sunday, four hour train journey to see to DMIL who simpy would not consider leaving her home. She did have carers but they couldn’t keep her fed, hydrated, medicated and clean. She had UTIs all the time. She died in hospital in the end.

You cannot force someone who has capacity to go into a home. Unfortunately.

But she is making her decision based on her daughter having to provide care which she doesn’t want to.

Could she move into residential care ? Contact her local adult social care and explain how much you are having to do and that it’s not sustainable, as she needs more help than you can provide.