AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

OP, and other unpaid carers, please find out if you have a carers support group in your area. They can give advice on just about anything, or signpost you to someone who can. The other thing they do is give support to carers, just by listening without judgement and making you feel validated. OP, the resentment you are feeling is normal, your circumstances are unique to you and some of the ridiculous goady responses on here should be ignored, they are not you.

Needs must. Elderly folk don't often want to leave home but if she is having falls, that is a very good reason to push for it to keep her safe - you are too far away in case of acciden tand she must realise that.

I saw a SM post from a care worker who talked about the elderly patients who had no visitors. He said without exception they were horrible people to everyone. He said plenty had regular visitors and warm relationships with family and friends.

I hope my MIL doesn’t have to go into a home but if she did she’d be surrounded by all of the people who live here as much as we all do.

I suspect the reluctance for many to go into a home is the knowledge they will reap the bitter and nasty seeds they’ve sown their entire lives.

You're not being fair to your husband. You need to ask yourself why you're doing what you're doing....you must have very low self esteem to sacrifice yourself for this woman. But even if you insist on doing so, you shouldn't be making that decision for your husband too.

It's pretty clear that most other women would not do this. I'd possibly do it if I was guaranteed an inheritance because I'm an evil money-grabbling monster.

Given what you've said about her I would stop all care yesterday. Social services can sort her out if you phone them. I'd be no contact with her.

I hate to tell you that just because shes bedridden , does not mean she is less likely to survive longer.

You are the one who is more likely to become unwell because of all the work/stress.
Please, you need to take care of you

If she is bed ridden she needs much more care than carers popping in, or indeed you sacrificing your life, can supply. She needs full time residential care, and this can be provided by the relevant local authority (albeit at cost potentially depending on her financial circumstances). Contact her GP to discuss and get the relevant referal.

You are not being a cow. You are however being a martyr (and your poor family, aren’t they as important? They must hardly see you). Good on the granddaughter for having boundaries - I wouldn’t be going near her if she was rude to my mother either! Stepping back is a good idea. This is what carers are for (or preferably residential care by the sounds of her).

That’s just dreadful. I’m so sorry … what a slap in the face. I don’t understand why people do these things!

Thank you for your comment but with the greatest respect you don’t know what my relationship with my husband is. He spends months away at a time so is not really in the equation too much, so maybe a little judgemental of you to make assumptions and in any case this is not about our relationship, it’s about me and mum.
I do not have low esteem … that might be your opinion, but you’ve never met me and you know nothing about me. I will admit that I am weary of this predicament as I’ve never been in this situation … that’s all.
However … you did make me laugh when you mentioned inheritance.

I don’t have any advice beyond what you’ve been given, but I feel for you. I lost a sibling and a parent young, my other sibling is miles away and useless apart from the odd grand gesture, am I am terrified that this is going to be me. My mother is early seventies, but her world is small and she has an elderly mindset and is already very needy - I suspect she fabricated health problems and the such like to get attention if I’ve not visited enough. I home you get your own life back soon.

Your poor mother to be cared for by someone who doesnt.

She should have been kinder to her family then. She was so awful to her daughter that died that her grandchildren will have nothing to do with her. She's very lucky that OP feels obliged to help her due to her sense of duty.

My parents are both in their 80s and live about 15 minutes walk from me. My younger db also lived close to them, he was single and used to see them every day. They are both in good health and very independent and don't need any care atm. It was always expected that db would be the main help if necessary as I have dc and gc. Unfortunately db died 2 years ago and he was my only sibling. I had thought when I retired (I'm 60) I might move 100 miles away to live near dd1. I mentioned it to dm and she was horrified and said what if they needed me! I don't get on that well with dm but if she needs my help I will be there.

@Fogey you've done the right thing by supporting this crisis and it's good to see you have a plan that will let you step back to something more manageable.
If she goes into respite and you are firmly not available for 24/7 care it may be decided that she can't go home. Guess that would be your best case scenario.
And when it's over you will know that you did step up and do more than could reasonably have been expected over a long period.
Anyone saying anything different has no clue about the realities of this stage of life.

You’re not being unreasonable to dislike this, but you’re being very unreasonable to essentially give up your life for this.

Carers can go in up to 3x daily, you need to get this looked at and you need to push for it, we have had to for my grandfather who is the same age as your mum. It shouldn’t be a case of who shouts the loudest but it often is. We also live a similar distance away. Get a meals on wheels service for her. Speak to social care and see what other options are available for support. Get out of there and visit semi regularly.

Please don’t let emotional blackmail stop you from doing what’s right … I wish I’d been firmer and I’m in a mess albeit temporary … such a difficult scenario. What astounds me is that the vast majority of unpaid carers are still women? Or that’s how it seems to me.

This is a brutal comment but is absolutely true.

No it’s not. He’s not here in the uk .

Oh don’t be feeling like you are a cow, you are not. What you are feeling is completely normal. I am a carer looking after the elderly in their own homes and the older and more vulnerable they become they do become incredibly selfish and honestly believe they are the only person in the world. She has a carer that goes in an hr a day? I personally would be extending that if her money allows if it does not have you got in touch with her local council and adult social services usually the hospital would have done this when she was admitted and before she was discharged. They can sort out financial assessments and assess more help needed. You want to be saying she needs at least 45min in morning to get her breakfast and to get dressed, 30 mins for lunch and tea and 30 mins bed call additionally an hr a week shopping call/social call and an hr domestic call a week. At 95 they will usually not refuse but they will assess her finances I.e what money she has in the bank and she will need need to make a contribution but will be cheaper than her paying for it all. You need to lighten the load for yourself xx

Disgraceful. Your DD and GC take priority.
If your parents need help they buy it in. It’s what we save for all our lives to minimise any care burden on our grown adult children with jobs and families of their own, not burden them indefinitely after we have had the best of our lives.
Their wants don’t trump yours.

I'm sorry but I'm another who cannot understand why are you are doing this, and I'm sorry that your relationship with your mother has lead to you ruining your own life to serve hers.

I would be washing my hands of her and contacting social services. She needs to be in a care home.

I imagine you are probably holding out for inheritance from the sale of her home, but honestly it's not worth your health and marriage.

Your mums wishes are neither here nor there at the moment , she is obviously far to selfish to care about how this affects you .

Make a start now with SS, it's cost you way too much already .

OP, I really feel for you. My parents went through a very similar situation with my granny, who was also an extremely difficult person. Unfortunately I couldn't help due to living at the opposite end of the country. She couldn't cope on her own but refused all help and wouldn't entertain the idea of any sort of care/ supported living. As the nearest family members, my parents became the "go to" and it impacted on their lives constantly, although my uncle did what he could to help, he lived 2 hours away from them at the time.

After multiple falls, things unfortunately came to head when she had a fall, broke her collarbone, my dad had to rush home from a holiday abroad and my uncle a business trip, and she subsequently became very unwell on hospital.

Once she had recovered, they sat her down and explained in no uncertain terms that this wouldn't be happening again and she could either agree to carers support or moving into supported living, otherwise they would be involving social services for support. She agreed to live in carers eventually, which hugely improved her quality of life as she had constant company, something which she severely missed after losing my grandad. I would really recommend having a look into this if your mum is agreeable and finances permit. It made a huge difference to my granny and she lived for another 5 years as a result.

atm
but very soon, this year, he’ll be retired. And I imagine will want to spend some time with you.

Do you have children @Fogey ?