AIBU to resent caring for my difficult elderly mum alone?

[Fogey]

I live over 100 miles away from my mum (who is 95) - I have travelled every other weekend for the last 8 years to see her and check she’s ok .., I shop for her when I’m there , make food and organise any jobs she needs doing. My husband also does jobs for her and fixes stuff. I work full time and have found this quite stressful (as well as expensive .., my jobs not well paid) … because of where I worked I used drive just under 1000 miles a week (!) on the weekends I saw her.
Recently she had a series of bad falls and I’ve given in my notice at work (to look after her) , missed my husbands 65th birthday, a 2 week holiday to France and a best friends 60th. She is fully aware of the sacrifices I’ve made but passes them off as “thank you” but nothing more.
My sister, who lived close to her, died 3 years ago and her children don’t like my mum so won’t help out so it’s all on me. I am currently doing everything for her (we do have carers in every day for an hour) but I’m 1 week in to a 3 week stint … and I’m struggling.
I haven’t always got on with mum … she’s racist and a snob (to be blunt) and does’nt listen to what people’s opinions are e.g I broke a front tooth yesterday and she just passed it off as nothing (can’t get to a dentist as I’m here until the start of May). I am not a miserable person but am feeling a little overwhelmed and angry at being made to sacrifice so much .., I’m in my 60s and want to be somewhere else. I visited her in hospital when she needed me … washed clothes, did her lawn, batch cooked her meals and drove miles to sort her out. Quite frankly, as much as I love her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Am I being a cow for not liking her much?

It's really difficult. I have a brother and we both took care of both of my parents for around a year until they died and it was horrendous even with having someone else there. So massive sympathy to you for not having. And also because your mum does sound extremely difficult! My mum was mostly lovely but in the last couple of months she wasn't so lovely anymore and I really struggled with that and all the feelings that makes you feel and the fact that your mum generally isn't that lovely is probably harder to deal with. So no definitely not a cow!!!! In fact, all things considered the exact opposite because a lot of people wouldn't be bothering to do what you're doing.

You’re not a cow. Can you make this easier? Does she have ‘a life’ where she is or can you move her closer?

Do you want to be there for her or do you feel like you have no choice?

ETA I am sorry about your sister. It must have been hard to lose her at a relatively young age.

You're not being a cow. Not at all. It's incredibly hard. To save your sanity, and maybe even your relationship with your mum, is it at all possible to use carers more?

No, of course you're not being a cow. I'm sorry but in your situation I wouldn't continue. You live too far away from her to carry on. It's not as though she's grateful or pleasant or thankful. You're sacrificing your own life for someone who doesn't appreciate it. Tell Social Services it's down to them to deal with it now, otherwise your health is going to suffer which is no good to anyone.

You’re not being unreasonable to resent it, but you are very unreasonable to be doing it.

You are wrecking your own life for this

set boundaries, stop doing all this and get services involved

I’ve voted YABU because you’re martyring yourself for a horrible person who hasn’t treated you well.

You have chosen to do this.

Yes she has friends … but they’re all in their 90s. I don’t want her closer to me as I may feel obliged to spend even more time with her than I do already!
Thank you for your reply though ..,I appreciate your thoughts.

Yes … I’m looking into this . Thank you m.

This, unfortunately.

I’m sorry but I think you’re being unreasonable to have done so much and to give up your job to look after her, what would she do if you couldn’t give up your job or you lived abroad or had other caring responsibilities?

You are martyring yourself for a profoundly unpleasant person and doing yourself out of so much.

Arrange for carers or leave her to sort it out herself

I can understand that.

i guess what we can all say OP is that this won’t last forever (or indeed that much longer probably).

You’re doing a good thing. I’m not saying you should do it, or that you need to do it, but it’s a good thing nevertheless. X

Your poor husband

Come to the elderly parents board. It's in other. The Cockroach Café is a good place to vent.

She could last another 5 years. She needs a package of care or residential home and if that comes out of her own money what a shame.

And get your job back!

Agreed here. He’s been brilliant.

This is a hard situation. I think you need to start thinking about yourself and putting more boundaries in place.
maybe start using services such as a gardener to do the lawn. Food delivery service/some frozen meals/online shopping so you don’t need to prep so much food.
would she be entitled to attendance allowance?
age uk might be useful? A budding service? A local lunch club? Good luck OP, looking after parents can be a thankless task

She won’t last another 5 years. She’s bed ridden … hence the intensity of care… apologies if I forgot that in my original
post.

So stop being a bloomin martyr

So how does she cope for the days when you don’t care for her?!

I was you. I moved my DM closer to me, sold her house and out her into a care home. She was eventually much happier, I visited twice/ three times a week and let the carers take the strain. And got my life back.

She has a carers in for 1 hour a day??!

otherwise she lives alone

and she’s bed ridden??

really ?

Was she also a racist, a snob and an all round unpleasant person?

her, I’m irked by the fact that her granddaughter (who lives 4 doors down) would’ve been helping out here if mum hadn’t been so vile to my sister.

good on the granddaughter!! I wouldn’t lift a finger for someone who’d been vile to my mother!