To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

I am 45 and have lived with this my entire life. It is me and I am it. Anxiety isn't always a passing phase it is part of how some people are and I really wish it could be respected like other socially "unacceptable" personality traits increasingly are. I have done my bit over time for other people and now I am sick of living in a world where I have to keep bending over backwards for other people's feelings while mine are either pathologised or dismissed as selfishness.

You say that saying no isn't an option? Why? What would hypothetically happen? Likely absolutely nothing. Saying no is always an option in any event.

I wonder if part of your social anxiety is worrying about managing everyone's feelings. They are all adults. Their feelings is their business. Nobody has ever died from being disappointed, nor have they ever died from being judged for not attending a party.

And if you don't want your fiend to invite you, you can also say that to her. I am sure she feels she is doing a nice thing by including you.

Thanks for coming on my thread about my anxiety to tell me about how hard it is to have anxiety 👍🏻

Getting help does not just mean getting “doped up”.
Maybe start with therapy to find the route cause and then you can hopefully learn to manage.
Trust me - it can help a lot

I really did not want to attend a distant relative’s wedding once and managed to manifest the pandemic. They got married with just two witnesses eventually.

If this is how you feel, then say this to your husband and family and don’t use another excuse.

I already said yes (because I thought the arriving and leaving arrangements would be quite different from what has transpired). I would be very happy for him to go alone but then he will be genuinely sad and people would "talk" (he would be sad if I couldn't come due to sickness but in a more pragmatic can't be helped way). It's fair to ask why should he be protected from sadness while I'm experiencing something arguably worse but isn't that love we all take on horrible things so people we love might feel ok.

Bone spurs 👍

Can you travel alone to be in control of your own arriving and leaving?

I think the next 45 years living like you are isn't going to be fun for you. Have you sought help anywhere? Therapy really can help. Apologies if you have already and not had success.

I'm sorry your anxiety is making life so difficult for you.

As you say, your husband knows you well enough to know that you don't want to go to this event. So throwing a sickie isn't going to fool him; he will know exactly what's going on. My advice would be that you should be honest and open with him, because that makes for a better relationship. I feel your marriage can't be in a good place if you're thinking about trying to deceive him about the way you're feeling.

So step one is to ge DH onside so that he is going to be trying to do what makes you feel better. Together you need to come up with a plan for what to tell everyone else. Once again, honesty (as much as you can) is the best way forward, because lies have a tendency to unravel

This. Would you expect him to do something that makes him miserable and mope if he didn't. You have a DH problem.

It doesn’t matter what you say…they’ll know you’re lying. If your anxiety is that crippling they’ll know, it’s part of your personality.

I had a colleague who dropped out of everything at the last minute, it was due to them having little confidence and being nervous about social situations. Hilarious thing was all everyone did was talk about their absence at these events. He missed weddings, funerals and once after a day in the office he just hid in the toilet and we all went out to a leaving do without him in the evening. Ironic that he didn’t want to go, because by being so weird about these events he made himself centre of attention. When he did attend work things, he was a great guy and really popular. It was a shame. All his cases of sudden diarrhoea/ Covid / sickness bug were such bullshit everyone could see through them.

Oh he knows perfectly well how I feel he just doesn't want to disappoint his mother and he would never force me to go but he'd be really mopey and sad and then I'd have to manage his feelings and as per op I am DONE.

The more you pander to him the more entitled he will become. Let him be mopey and sad but don't try to manage his feelings. He is allowed his feelings the same way that you are allowed your feelings. It's ok for him to feel sad, we all feel sad sometimes.

Enjoy your peaceful time at home OP.

Stomach bug, nobody ever wants to risk catching that.

Just let DH go on his own

Just don't go. I used to be under a lot of pressure to mix with DH's side of the family (not from DH), because it was 'expected'. Well it might for them, but not in my world. My social anxiety isn't now as debilitating as your's, but I'll still be darned if I'm going to be coerced in to something I don't want to do and ultimately have a choice about.

You don't owe anyone an explanation and to be honest I get that your husband might be 'sad', but that's his problem to overcome.

Have a very hot and spicy curry the night before. Run to the toilet many times during the night, even if you're fine. DH goes without you. Job done.

isn't that love we all take on horrible things so people we love might feel ok

Which is exactly why your dh should go alone with trying to guilt you. It's his family, not a bunch of strangers. Why would he 'feel sad'.

He's being a bit of a shit towards you isn't he.

I worked with a lady that attended nothing outside of work, and said she didn’t do social events - the before/during/after made her ill, and old enough to know her limits.
Nothing to argue with there, it’s clear and concise.
Your problem is your oh. Why does he want you to appease him, and for you to feel ill. He can still go and have a lovely time.

It sounds like you are married OP. I'm curious did you have a traditional wedding or elope or just parents attend etc. How did you work around your feelings then?

@CurdinHenry do you gave DC? Do you work?

Yes it's really strange he didn't want to hang out with people who made fun of his anxiety..

He’s her husband! She said she’s suffered from this for 45 years. She won’t go to her best friend’s birthday parties and is annoyed that her friend asks her every year! Unless her DH is completely thick or deluded he’ll smell a rat instantly. Big family party which my wife hates? Night before she has terrible shits? Who’d have thought it?!?

OP just needs to tell him straight ‘I am not going’.

I completely understand how you feel and I am much the same with anxiety. I have also reached the point of 'done' lately and we skipped a young relatives birthday party recently, giving the reason of one of us getting a sickness bug. I don't know if people believed it or not but I don't care.

Unlike you, my partner was very happy to also miss the party so I didn't have to worry about that, but I would just tell him you're not going and to make up whatever excuse you see fit for the wider family. Good luck.

See I don’t think so. Part of being married for me is having that someone to go to stuff with. So I’d be sad too. And it does make things a bit awkward for him and makes the talk about it, rather than the event.

Having said that, I think you should just say you’re not going because you can’t because of your anxiety. Don’t lie about why you’re not going, it will be obvious anyway,

If you’d like to be less anxious about stuff, REBT with hypnotherapy worked really well for me.