To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

Thanks and solidarity! I'd say my husband also hates them (there's a reason we get along!) but in the specific case of family things his guilt overrides that.

I do feel guilty for being what I know most of society would consider a total dud companion but it's not like I haven't been at pretty much everything since forever I must have lost years of life to misery over this stuff.

No one made fun of him. I never said that in my post AT ALL. We adored him. We all talked about him in a concerned way I.e ‘He’s such a nice guy, an asset to every party. He doesn’t know how loved he is by us all, isn’t it a shame he makes all these far fetched excuses when we know it’s his anxiety.’

We never made fun. He recently missed a dear friend’s funeral, because he ‘had something on’ at the last minute. This old friend who had died offered him his first job, he was the reason this guy was so successful, he owed him everything. We knew he wouldn’t turn up. No one made fun of him, but some people had strong views.

If your anxiety is this bad, all I am saying is people will know. Your DH, the closest person to you in the world will know you haven’t suddenly got a bug or a fever. People will be more sympathetic if you tell them straight.

If you have any kind of relationship you’d just tell your DH what you’ve said in your opening paragraph.

Deliberately sustaining a minor injury is completely insane.

My husband definitely knows (he has worse anxiety than me but in non socially induced ways) but his family won't really believe in it.

Was anybody empathetic in the office towards him and spoke up for him and what he might be going through @Moveoverdarlin or were they all just nasty ?

I actually had a really random case of the shits last week. Just lasted one day. I hadn’t eaten anything obviously odd. But I literally couldn’t have left the house. So a case of the rampant shits is totally plausible, if you don’t want to tell your DH the real reason, if you just dash to the loo super quickly, very often. Maybe starting during the night before the event is.

I agree with this. I like spending time with my H and I enjoy having him by my side for events. Obviously I can attend alone but I'd far rather have him with me. Part of being married is being together for social events imo.

I completely understand and you have my sympathy.

Say what you’ve said here and people will have to get used to it. Otherwise it’s a lifetime of coming up with excuses and worrying how everyone will take it. More ideal would be your DP accepting you for who you are and making polite excuses for you. I would do this for my partner.

I used to sit through events I dreaded with my ex. Huge family do’s and there was one family member who never turned up to these things. No excuses, he just never arrived on the day. Yes, people got miffed and would bring up how this man hadn’t bothered as conversation. But that was it, they said some words. The person who didn’t come didn’t burst into flames and people like me were secretly thinking he had the right idea, good for him.

I helped with that. Inlaws big do which i was dreading for a couple of years for various reasons. Hoping something would crop up. Pandemic put a stop to it !

Yeah he doesn't like them either he just worried about upsetting other people.

I honestly can't understand why anyone enjoys these things they're so awful.

Conversations about this always makes me feel very lonely among other human animals 🙁

Thanks for saving me from a raft of fortieth birthday parties, guys!!!

They're probably not expecting you to go anyway if this is how you've always been? So just don't go. What's the worst that could happen?

No one was ever ever nasty and always empathetic. He’s a great guy and added value to everything he attended. We all loved him and wanted him to come out. Over the last 15 years or so we have just dropped the issue. Events are planned, he accepts, two days before he has Covid, a bug, family crisis, Nan’s funeral, car trouble, lost keys, phone flat etc.

My point is we know he has anxiety, that’s fine. Events aren’t his bag. We emphasise, but all these last minute illnesses are so see through, less fuss would be made if he just said ‘Not my thing, I’ll pass.’

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

Maybe if you wish hard enough you'll get a nasty virus a couple of days before.
Somehow, some way, it worked for me!! You also have to work hard on your disappointed face.

How did she spoil them? By not being able to come to some?

Just tell your DH you won’t be attending. End of!
and your friend probably still invites you to her parties just to be polite and not wanting you to feel left out. Peoples feelings can change, so how would you feel one year you actually felt up to it, but she hadn’t invited you.

disgusting

Exactly. I don’t understand why people make excuses. Just stand up for yourself and what you want. If you don’t want to go, just say that rather than lie.

Jokes aside - what sort of things do you miss out on OP? Have you got kids? Do you/did you struggle with parties or play dates?

Are you ok to go out for a meal out with DH? A weekend away together? Or is it 'just' big family do's in shitty halls with crap music with lots of small talk and mulling around?

Talk to us about it.

Yes, as a child of a parent with anxiety, the amount of things you miss out on, or have to leave early does make you think they ruined it.

All of the focus in the lead up was could she make it, could we make adjustments to get her there. Then was she ok throughout the event - all the focus on her.

So for my graduation it was all about was she going to be able to sit through the event, could she be at the back, could we get her special reserved seats where she wanted to sit (it was like she claimed she didn’t want to faint (this was part of the anxiety) and draw attention to herself but in the sorting it out she was drawing attention to herself!) So we were not actually sure if she was there or not during it!

My dads funeral was the same - would she go / not go / who could accompany her / where could she sit without people speaking to her.

Its hard to explain how draining it was.

That's the trouble. It's not about you. You should have just given her emotional permission not to go.

Just be honest about how you feel. Mil will survive without you and the manchild has to learn how to look after himself, big boy pants would be a start.

And if you can't be anxious at your fucking husband's funeral idk

We did. No one was making her go. But she wanted to go but then it was so stressful.