To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

This, it was also the children’s fathers funeral, and yes, your graduation should be about you!!

work emergency
baby sitter cancelled
migraine

Quite honestly, I’d just say no 😵‍💫 A simple, sorry I won’t be coming, I don’t like big get togethers 🤷‍♀️ If you start making excuses, then you have to do that every single time.

Please don't fake a last-minute illness. That causes maximum disruption for the hosts and doesn't really address the problem.

"Thanks for the invitation, Auntie Jane. I'd love to come but unfortunately @CurdinHenry can't make it" is all he needs to say.

He needs to deal with his disappointment. Possibly you also need just let him be disappointed (unless it's excessive or manipulative) rather than feeling responsible for his emotions. You can't go. He feels disappointed. That's just life. Sometimes anxiety makes people feel overly worried about other people's negative feelings and as if you have to somehow manage them on their behalf, but you really don't. He's an adult man and presumably capable of managing his emotions to a normal extent.

Yes most people want their partner with them at social events.
But I like my dh enough that if I knew he was miserable I would not want him there.

I do wish it was more understood that large social events are not for everyone and that for some of us, not being able to leave is really pretty tough even if we can enjoy/manage the thing for a while. I have that with some gatherings-- the ones where you're supposed to look nice and almost all the talk is small talk. Very short battery.

Apart from just not going and making suitable excuse, is there any other way you could go with another family member/friend supporting you, one who understands your anxiety. I was thinking maybe someone you trust who'd be prepared to stay close by and possibly having a little code word like "I think I'd like a short break now" so they would then diplomatically take you somewhere quiet (a separate room... the garden?) where you could rest/feel calmer for half an hour or so?

I am sorry you are feeling this way op, and I realise it is something you find hard to control, but I think it is also important you don't blame other people for this - your MIL who "thinks you are five years old" because she has asked you, and your friend who keeps asking you.

This is a YOU thing, which doesn't mean you are in the wrong, but I don't think it is helpful to work yourself up into thinking they are in the wrong for something which is fundamentally your issue. They are doing the right thing to keep asking you.

What you need is to find a way of dealing with your problem, and you have options.

You can either ask for support in going (you don't have to go), decline the invitation and be honest (but accept your DH might be sad or disappointed) or think of an excuse that does NOT involve self-harming, which is ridiculous.

I think things like norovirus are silly as your DH, at least, will realise it isn't true.

I think if I really could not face going, I would say I felt unwell from the anxiety, eg headache, stomach ache.

But in order to deal calmly with this, there is no point blaming other people for the situation.

UTI was my usual excuse during my peri menopause years!

I think this is the sort of solution you need to look for OP.

No, it's not a me thing. You don't realise how controlling of others you are if you assume they'll all be content to trot along with your preferences.

it sounds like it’s big parties, weddings and funerals. Those type of events aren’t very frequent for most people. OPs husband also have quite bad anxiety so he if anyone should understand.

the trouble is it's literally hours from anywhere (no public transport). Like a prison only at least people would let you stay in your own cell in prison.

You mean if they extend an invitation?

Kindly op, you are not seeing this in an objective light. I do feel for you that you are so distressed by the situation - and believe it really feels this way - but this is something that they are not responsible for.

ETA and the reason I am saying that is it is going to make you feel worse, not better, to convince yourself you are being wronged by others here, when you really are not.

Re smallness of life you wouldn't think I have anxiety (which is part of the problem). I was raised by a mother who took the view tough shit so I have some well honed masking going on. I am chatty and friendly and confident in most ways. Because of my feelings I usually know how to put other people at ease.

But the pain of these big chaotic things never goes away, it's like being made to sit in my equivalent of the flashback to exam hall trauma nightmares over and over again. My anxiety dreams are about school trips and having to talk to people at the big dinner table and not having any time to gather myself. And then I'm in it again.

I think they are responsible for not trying to understand me and being angry or guilt trippy when I say I can't go. I would never do that to someone else.

I think you just have to tell your husband you can't face it. He'll have to deal with it. He can choose to tell them the truth or tell a white lie

That I can understand a little more.

But I do think continuing to invite you is not wrong on their part.

Have you considered writing a letter? Explain you wish you did not have this anxiety to deal with, but you do and are struggling to find a way through it, and that you mean no harm by declining. They may or may not be receptive, but at least then you can tell yourself you have addressed it and then try not to let the guilt-tripping touch you.

But if you blame them for the whole situation, I can see why they are thinking you are unreasonable.

You don't have to trot along.

Drive yourself, stay somewhere a few mins away so you can leave, don't go at all. These are all options. The person extending the invite isn't wrong.

I wouldn’t want to go to something like this either. A few years ago, I refused to go to a large family party (also in the middle of nowhere) which caused a lot of upset. I had no regrets then or now!

A caveat against hurting yourself as it can come back to bite you in the bum.

A friend of mine did this to get out of one of those dreadful outward bound weekends some companies have. She noticed that the floor was wet in the loo with no warning signs and claimed to have slipped and hurt her ankle. Her boss sent her to A&E in a taxi after dutifully filling out an accident form. Of course she hadnt realy hurt her ankle but had to take a couple of days off to make it look good. The cleaner got a huge bollocking for leavng the floor wet with no warning notice.

One the day out someone genuinely hurt themselves (and sued) because the boss who had arranged the weekend had not taken out the correct insurance. Result - no more outward bound weekends. Everyone was so upset about that. My friend kept quiet about the fake injury but did feel a bit guilty.

There is nowhere a few minutes away. It is pretty life ruining so I think it would be better if more people (or perhaps anyone besides the people who experience this) could think about what invitations mean. And the response to no.

Don't insult people (particularly your husband) with crap excuses. Tell the truth and if they don't get it, it's on them.

Your friend is a heroine for our times!

And that post illustrates why some get cripplingly anxious about this kind of thing.