To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

Can you ask DH to change the arrival and departure arrangements to make this easier for you? I would attend a large social gathering without a way to leave when I was done. I have a small social battery and am too old and grouchy to "put up with" once I'm done. I'd either decline to go or insist on an out clause so I could leave when I wanted. However my DP wouldn't insist I came either. He does plenty of stuff on his own because I can't hack a large room full of people and doesn't moan about it.

Yes

And it’s clearly making the op unhappy

Do you want to make changes @CurdinHenry or are you accepting the debilitating anxiety as part of your life?

Who will react most if you don't go, MIL or DH? Is it possible to go for a short period of time and then go somewhere else. Sounds like your DH isn't the most sociable either. Can you then arrange something just with MIL?

You said originally accepted but then the arrangements for arrival and departure changed. Is there any way to change them back or to make adjustments that would make you able to attend? Do you need to know you can get home, get away from the crowd or get to a safe place? It's something that people want to fix for you, not to hurt you but from a place of care.

It was one of those situations where it had been hinted that anyone who did not attend would be judged as not a team player. My friend had cheerfully attended several team bonding events in the past (with business games and the like) . But she is definitely not an outdoor type. The manager should have realsed that such events are not for everyone especially staff with mobility issues.

I would go with a splitting headache on the day of. Not infectious so husband can still go but means you need to lie in a darkened room and definitely not speak to loads of people.

My friend kept quiet about the fake injury but did feel a bit guilty.

I should hope so, if she wasted A&E time, took unnecessary time off, and let the cleaner in for a bollocking.

I was wondering this too op. What is it that has changed so we can perhaps try to help you think how to navigate those aspects?

Fake illness, but if lying to your DH too then i’d be sick the day before and day after too. I don’t have social anxiety, but I really hate going out in the evening these days. After working all day, I just want to curl up with my dog in bed by 8pm. I am starting to decline meet ups, or will agree to a very early dinner. I don’t care if people think i’m dull and boring! I am learning to say no more, and I think better to say no upfront than say yes and cancel.

You don’t say what the big event is but I’m thinking wedding or big birthday for a family member. I can sympathise with your fear and social anxiety.
What I have done in the past is to decline the invite, but arrange a different place and time to meet whoever the celebration is for……a coffee and catch up, lunch at somewhere comfortable or a walk and a picnic. Limit it to no more than 4, arrange something that you can look forward to…..and do it.
No one could, or should be negative if you offer this!

@CurdinHenry have you started another thread where you moan about the young not having basic skills? But is not being sociable in a room of people a basic skill

It’s clearly quite a severe issue as you’re describing a family party as being like a prison with no means of escape. This needs help

Why don’t you drive, then you can leave when you want to ?

The bottom line here is that you don't want to go. You won't enjoy it. And that is OK.

I would just tell your DH you won't be going. If he also doesn't want to go, but can't tell his family that then he can go alone. That's for him to deal with.
I think once you have decided this firmly you can stop stressing over it.

Irony meter is high with this one.

The party is several hours drive away, in a venue that has nothing else anywhere nearby. If it’s being held in a village hall or community centre there might not be a garden area or quieter place to sit in. I can understand the overwhelming feeling of not being able to escape from loud music and drunk people!

I don’t understand

Your husband will trip over his own face if you say “I will hate this party - I am not going to come because it will be worse than being in prison”

But if you break your leg or get the trots or have a migraine then he will skip off happily?

I hate parties - I don’t go to them but I make exceptions for things like weddings of people I like, 80th birthday parties, religious sacraments etc but I have an escape plan (I drive - I think it must be hard to be socially anxious and not drive). What I don’t do is invent illness in the day because nobody believes it and it’s disrespectful imo and I’m not being that guy.

She’s not treating you like a 5 year old, she’s invited you to a family gathering…
Does she have any reason to suspect your social phobia is so extreme?

I’m 64 and have acute social phobia. It always amazes me how similar people have DHs and DWs when they don’t go out to meet people.

my excuse is normally just “I’m so sorry but I can’t make it” or “I have other plans that day “.

This.
Your husband needs to think you’re too incapacitated to go, not that you just don’t want to?
What a bizarre dynamic you have going on there.

It's an irrational fear. People usually make excuses because they know that their fear is irrational and feel silly saying they are scared. After all there's nothing scary about going to a wedding or party or meal. It's not life threatening. It's usually they're scared of doing or saying the wrong thing and making a fool of themselves, or that's how they perceive it.

The trouble with making up an excuse like pretending to be ill is that the person making the excuse knows they're lying to everyone which makes them feel even worse.

OP what are you actually scared of?

@CurdinHenry crippling anxiety stinks. I get it. DD had awful social anxiety as a teenager whoch was triggered by some really nasty bullying by an ex friend at school. However, I sought help for her and, although it took a few years, she is a completely different, confident person now.

You seem very resistant to the idea of seeking help for this. Why is that? If you say it is part of your personality have you considered that you may be neurodivergent? DH hates social occasions so I go without him. No-one guilt trips him to join in.

You need to give yourself permission to say no to these occasions. Either your husband goes without you or he stands up for you and tells his family that both of you aren't attending. What is the worst that could happen?

I understand completely op. I never did like big groups or noise. Nowadays I also have agoraphobia and bad panic attacks. People are not kind or understanding in the slightest. The unkindness adds to the anxiety which brings on the rest of it.

i would say I had a migraine. If I was being forced to try to attend something similar a migraine would be one of about 50 different symptoms I would get so not even untrue. The worst being I properly panic and can’t set foot outside of my front door, not had that awful symptom for years now thankfully.

I do have an ADHD diagnosis but again I don't think that really makes a difference (except that it is a reminder to try to be self accepting of a defined brain). The world is set up for people who are not like me (if they were, there would be a ten year stretch for non consensual party invitations 🤣) and I just need to pass as much as I can and avoid the bits I can't handle (not too many in the great scheme).

In case you are wondering my in-laws do not believe in ADHD either (well they do but it's for wild little boys running around only)

Say you have been exposed to something and wear a mask around for a couple of days beforehand. You will look like a heroine if you stay home and don't want to get others sick.