To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

That’s just not liking people 🤷🏼‍♀️

”endure their company”’

Charming

It's being terrified of certain situations and definitely not liking people who want to force me to do it because they're bad bad people

It's rude to try to force other people to endure your company and judge them if they don't want it.

You don't like these people. That's not social anxiety, that's not liking someone.

The very fact that you see a social occasion as an attempt by others to
"to force other people to endure your company"
is really distorted thinking. YOu see other people being sociable as them forcing you to endure their presence? So rude, but also really mentally disordered.

You see the world through such a self-centred & self-absorbed prism.

No ... I see other people being c words about me not tagging along as the problem. Which you would understand if you had empathy.

OP your problem is that you give too many f*cks. Your husband will mope -his feeling are his tonnage, not yours.
Your friend invited you to her bday (and no, on her birthday she shouldn’t be thinking about YOUR feelings; she’s extending an invite it’s not a summons) - sorry Sara, can’t make it that day/ night but happy to have a bday lunch/ dinner with you on xx date if that works for you.
Just say, sorry turns out I can’t actually make it.

You don’t sound well, and I really hope you get help

No, lying to your husband by pretending you’re ill to get out of attending his family event is not love. Love would involve being honest about simply not wanting to go because the idea makes your anxiety spike, and dealing with his sadness and disappointment.

You are very assertive and direct on this thread. Can’t you just speak to people clearly in real life like you do here and then they will get the message and stop the invites?

Being terrified of certain situations which aren't life threatening is anxiety and saying that you don't like people who want to "force you to do something" is because you don't want to go outside of your comfort zone. They are not asking you to do something life threatening. This is your problem not other people's.

You have a choice, you can either get help for your anxiety which requires a lot of effort on your part and putting yourself in situations which to begin with you will find uncomfortable, or you can choose avoidance which may make you feel better in the short term but won't make your problem go away.

At least be honest and stop blaming other people for how you feel.

@CurdinHenry who are bad bad people?

This is not healthy thinking you need help for someone trained in mental health issues

Other people are not to blame

Her inlaws - for sending her an invitation to a party when they know she doesn’t like going 🤷‍♀️🙄🤨

Who is a bad person? Your in-laws or H?

Your thought patterns are bordering on irrational. I'm not sure how much personal growth is happening for you.

As has been said by several posters already, other people are not the problem here, op.

If noone invited the OP anywhere would the OP complain no one likes them? not expecting anyone to answer this

Chat gbt at its finest. Low effort.

You’re petulant and ridiculous. Nobody is doing anything wrong by inviting you. You’re making it an issue for yourself by agreeing to go then misplacing your anger at the inviter because you don’t want to. For all this talk of it being you and your personality and an unchangeable facet of who you are, you’re incapable of saying “no, I don’t like parties and I won’t come to them. Ever.” It’s not the social anxiety that’s a problem (although if it/you try and stop other people doing stuff because of it or make things difficult for them and expect to be pandered to at all times, that is a problem) it’s the fact you can’t be honest. I would have absolute respect for someone who said from the moment I met them that they don’t do parties and won’t accept invitations but were happy to hang out one on one. Fine. What I wouldn’t respect or have any patience with is if they repeatedly lied or agreed to come to things then dropped out last minute.

Yes exactly. Like I said upthread .. an invitation is just that, OP can easily decline. Instead she chooses to get angry and talk rubbish about them being bad and uncaring because they know she doesn’t like gatherings. Madness 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Quite honestly, as someone who has social anxiety and with a partner who is much worse- DO IT ANYWAY. Chin up, shoulders down, crack on. Everything you avoid makes your world smaller, it’s a viscous circle. In the end you avoid your own backside. Do or die, literally.

How much empathy do you have for other people though?

You’re happy to tell an obvious lie which may upset this person and your DH. You’re so bound up in your anxiety and your own feelings that you can’t see anything but yourself.

Declaring it’s an immovable part of your personality means you can avoid taking responsibility for it and shift the blame onto everyone else: their fault for inviting you, for ‘forcing’ you do things, you’re the victim, they’re bad people.

Yet you’re the one who’s choosing to live with untreated mental illness. Surely it’s time to grow up and take ownership? Tell the truth to yourself and other people instead of fannying about with lies and blame? It’s so immature.

I mean this constructively OP:

If you are genuinely considering injuring yourself to the point of going to a hospital just so you can avoid a family party, you need professional help.

That is extremely disordered behaviour.

Please, see your doctor ASAP.

In the meantime explain what's going on to your H, send your most profuse regrets / apologies etc to the host, and then focus on getting yourself the help you need.

So you should both stay at home which solves many many problems at once. Neither of you is then sad or forced to sit through events you don't enjoy. Family will, no doubt, survive the disappointment.

I really think you need relationship counselling to help him understand these events are torture for you and support you in politely declining.

I think you’re quite confused. ‘Empathy’ doesn’t involve agreeing with you that other people issuing invitations are ‘cunts’.

No one has a gun to your head. Just tell them, and your DH, you won’t be attending, and deal with the fallout, if any.

It’s not other people’s job to prevent you from having to deal with the consequences of your decisions. You can only control your own behaviour.