To ask how to get out of a big social event

[CurdinHenry]

In-law massive family/ I have crippling social anxiety and have done all my life/ it's in the middle of nowhere and I am DONE / if it were my family id say no but moot as my family is tiny and wouldn't have a massive event ever.

Would upset my husband to just say no so I just need a reason.

Currently wondering if it's possible to sustain a very minor on purpose injury that puts me in minor injuries just before departure time but that's probably excessive.

So, mn, please help me come up with a realistic excuse nearer the time (and let's hope my mil doesn't mn)

One thing I read that made saying no to social events a lot easier was asking - what is the cost of saying yes. Right now you're thinking of the no and what that costs you - mostly other people's reactions, which are pretty selfish tbh - they want you there because they would enjoy your company, whether you want to be there or not. Think about how the yes will feel - it means going, and really not enjoying it. Don't do that to yourself! If you do say no, give yourself a really nice day as a reward doing whatever you feel like. and don't feel guilty. or be guilted by your DH. He will get the message eventually. And at 45, to be honest, he's only going to have to get more used to you forging your own path and not simply caving in to other peole's demands.

It really is.

I dropped a brick on my own foot once.

Anything where I can't escape is unbearable (don't marry into an Irish family if this is a problem...)

I agree. But we were grieving too and it all became about her. It’s hard to explain.

Is he more worried about upsetting other people than he is about your feelings and upsetting you?

He needs to take a good long hard look at himself.

Well no he'd be really upset to upset me too... Which often means I need to pretend not to be upset

Actually OP yes I strongly believe it is selfish to not get help for such extreme anxiety. It's not just a personality.

You really have a husband problem if he would mope and make your problem all about him.

You need to focus on that because a good man would support you, not make you feel worse.

I think you should just tell then that it's too much for you, or rather get your DH to tell them that. That way you are off the hook for future big events too but you can choose to go to the more intimite ones if you feel like it. I really think you will feel relieved telling the truth. They will probably do an eye roll but then get over it. If it is somebody's birthday or wedding just send a great gift with your DH and maybe a message on the day.

Why is it selfish? Nobody has to go to everything always. I don't love rock climbing because I am afraid of heights, should I get treatment for that in case someone wants to take me rock climbing at some point?

People are suggesting lots of things to try to help you overcome or manage being anxious. You've reached a point in life where you don't want to try that anymore, which is entirely up to you. You may or may not be right that this is just who you are, but it doesn't really matter - it's your decision to make.

What it does mean, though, is that there isn't an easy option here. It also doesn't matter how much people agree with you or understand where you're coming from. You're still left with a choice between your husband feeling sad and his family thinking it's odd, or you going along and having a rotten time. You can't reason your way out of it, or rationalise that they should be different, you just have to choose which set of uncomfortable feelings you're going to live with.

Ultimately, accepting that other people might not approve of your decision but you're going to do it anyway might be a better option to live with in the long term. You still feel unhappy about it, but at least you're not doing something you don't want to. In time, people might accept it more or expect less, and you might end up feeling less responsible for how they feel.

@Snoken going rock climbling is not an every day activity. OP says she struggles being in a room with more than 4 people. That must have an impact on their life and others close to them, much more so than not being able to go rock climbing.

I would be the person to say, just say you're not coming. Why would I say that? Because I wouldn't bat an eye lid if you said it to me. I wouldn't ask you why. I would accept that as an adult you'd decided you weren't. In reality families are not like that and it's complicated and messy.

Sometimes it's much easier to be honest with anyone other than family!

I can understand you saying something that is simple to get and recover from. Don't make it complicated. Don't choose something that makes your husband look like a loser for leaving you, if he's determined to go.

And that's because you're an ignorant and self involved person.

Just have a migraine?

It doesn't really impact my life except for parties, weddings, funerals and conferences (I'm fine at a conference if I can just be a speaker). I WFH (life changing bliss), we see friends most days just not en masse.

I'm not really a clubbish person which is fine except again around the in-laws who are.

I am sure that OP has structured her life so that attending big events isn't an every day occurence for her. She has also reached a point where she is over trying to pretend she can do it, over trying to fix it, when she knows how horrible it makes her feel. She can't live her life so that everyone around her is comfortable but she isn't. She isn't stopping anyone from celebrating anything, she is just not a part of it. I just don't see how she is selfish living your life the way you are comfortable. Not every personality trait has to be fixed so that you can conform to norms.

Ahh I relate to that. I've had social anxiety since a young age too, though mine is definitely not as crippling as yours.

These days I can enjoy some social gatherings perfectly fine, but my battery tends to run out quickly. Once I've had enough it's like a switch flips and it costs me so much energy to keep going, it's like this buzzing in my head and a kind of out of body experience because I'm still there going through the motions but like I'm not really in my own body/head. It's hard to explain, I don't know if that sounds like your experience.

The worst is definitely events where it's logistically difficult to leave before "the end" or before other people you're with are also ready to leave.

I can't think of a good excuse that will get you out of it, if you plead an infectious illness it puts your DH in a difficult position if he goes. Maybe migraine on the day? But given everything you've said, I think honestly you should just say outright to your husband that you have decided not to go because it will just be too hard for you. He/you can just do broken record with family "She couldn't be here unfortunately but she sends her love and hopes you have a wonderful time", responding to any questions like "Is she ill?" with just "She couldn't be here".

They'll presumably know on some level why, since it seems you've attempted to explain to them before. You could even go the extra mile of sending flowers to the venue on the day (or eve) to the person celebrating, to show there are no hard feelings towards this person themselves, it's just the event that is the issue.

@elfendom1 are you shitting me?
pah ha ha
💩💩💩💩

You have Covid coming on and chronic Diaorreha is starting. You can’t possibly pass that on. Break the news the a few days before and forget all about it.

Yes, I'd like to know that. I got married in a small sideroom in a registry office myself, and that was nerve wracking! 😁

It depends on how many events the OP is not going to because of her anxiety. This does affect the OP's husband, does she go on holiday, out for birthday meals, cinema, wedding, christenings.

The problem with anxiety is it makes your life smaller and smaller if you don't deal with it.

Please put yourself first and explain to your DH that you don't want to attend as it will be awful for you. That should be enough for him to understand. Yes he will be disappointed, yes he may need to discuss your absence to family but he can do that. He's an adult talking to his family. Lots of people hate social gatherings, they are not mandatory. I am social, my DP is not. He's included in invites but declines.
After declining the first few it gets easier. I assure friends and family it's not personal and he not coming just because he hates the chit chat and crowds and noise and the whole faff. It overwhelms him, he masks well but it's draining and makes him anxious.
Yes I'd love to go to things together but not at the expense of his own health and wellbeing. Often he will drop me off to events, say a quick hello and shoot off as fast as he can or just stay home. It's no longer an issue as it's just the way he's wired. He's not wrong and neither am I. Just different ways of processing the world.
Please start your own journey to decline invites with the truth. "Thank you for the invitation but I'm not one for gatherings so it's a no from me but I do hope you have a lovely party/wedding/ meal etc"

Get someone you know to ring you just as your about to go with an emergency they need help with