AIBU to keep working when the children may need me more?

[Nurseposter123]

I have 2 DS and the oldest is about to start school.

We are very lucky in that husband earns a lot of money (a LOT) I earn £35,000 a year but have never wanted to be a SAHM and want to keep my career going in case of anything bad happening and to retain some level of independence. I feel strongly about this as a woman.

My children are not thriving with this. They are in nursery Monday to Thursday 8-5:30. My husband works longggggg hours so I am doing all drops and pick ups and bedtime, chores. We could easily afford for me to not work (infact with two in nursery we're paying for me to work currently as not entitled to any childcare quite rightly)

My youngest in particular is sensitive and suspected ASD of some kind and I am starting to feel my career is selfish and not benefitting anyone. The crying at drop offs etc. What would you do?

YABU - Dont quit, other options
YANBU - Quit and put your kids first.

Put your kids first.

What about a nanny so the
children can be at home more and you can still work?

Is it possible that you could go part-time, or get a similar job working less hours? Your career is of crucial importance, as is your independence. But it sounds like your children need you, and they are very long hours to be at nursery at that age. I would not give up working all together, but perhaps reduce hours / find a job with less hours, for the time being. You could always pick it up again once theyre older and more independent.

So you work fairly normal hours and your husband works long hours but it's you that has to quit? Why? Surely it makes more sense for him to lower his hours?

Isn’t there some middle ground here, like looking for a term time only or other PT role?

Part time?

I wouldn’t quit if you enjoy it and it’s important to you. You are a whole person alongside being a mother. Can you adjust your hours or anything to give your youngest in particular some more one-to-one time and a bit less nursery time?

Can you reduce your hours at all?

I do understand how upsetting and concerning this feels and how draining it can be but whatever you do, don’t leave yourself in a position of complete dependency on someone else’s income. Or could you take a sabbatical? There must be a compromise.

Over the long term, the value of having you engaged, happy and independent will offset the fact that its a struggle now. Your children are young. They won’t need you to be at home forever. Giving up your job completely would be a short term win but with significant long term consequences.

It’s a really hard one, you shouldn’t have to give up something you enjoy and like doing but I really do agree with the saying ‘firmly rooted we will flourish’ i also believe a good calm steady life as a child sets them up to achieve and success. Lots of parents manage both but I certainly didn’t so I gave up work. I’d tend to agree with people proposing part time but it’s too hard to get a part time school time job so there’s no point!

I think in these situations nobody really knows better than you as a parent what is best for you ALL!

Your career is benefiting you. So that counts for a lot.

I would look at options, as others have said. Can you change your hours so the nursery days less / not as long?

What job do you do ? Is it something that you need to keep your oar in ?

Personally if my children weren't thriving I would prioritise their needs over and above my own, every time. You don't even need the money so it seems incredibly selfish that you are choosing to work whilst also acknowledging the negative impact it has on your children.

If your husband earns so much, surely he already has a good career so time for him to go part time so you can progress yours?

Can you reduce your hours? As a temporary measure

What would the consequences of a career break be, depending on your field, is it something you can pick up again in a couple of years?

I don't agree that 'quite rightly' you cannot access the funded childcare that your husband's high taxes are funding for everyone else, I think it's dreadful that you can't access this facility also for your household.

Ideally you could keep going but with less hours so the kids have less time on childcare but you can keep your career going and increase hours again when they are older

He earns more in a day than I do in a week. It would make little sense for him to reduce hours versus me unfortunately.

Selfish? What a horrible and outdated view.

It's the very definition of selfish and I don't agree with it being horrible and outdated.

Part time.

This is a very dangerous trap to fall into - believing that his work is more important than yours because he earns more so you have to make all the sacrifices.

Besides anything else, if he works very long hours he's missing out on his children's early years.

I think you need to be prioritising the needs of your children.

Whether this involves you giving up work or cutting your hours for a few years, or getting a nanny of some description only you can decide.

I'm a nurse so yes need to keep my oar in or retrain if I don't keep it up. I could do bank work but I've moved up into a specialist role and this is very vocational for me. I'm so torn.

Yes, we can't expect an actual person - a man - to reduce his hours or do anything at all to help his children thrive, that's a woman's job! A man to can work every hour under the sun and not be selfish but a woman - gosh, how dare she want independence. Burn her at the stake.

So youre putting your perception of what you think is femist over your kids happiness?

Of course it makes sense for him to go part time. That's the obvious thing to do. If you're on £35k and he's earning 5 times as much as you there is absolutely no need for him to be that much. Your household incomes would still be considerably higher than most even if he dropped to 2 days!

Your career is not secondary to his. He's had the chance to progress his career whilst you had the children. It's your turn now.

The OP asked for people differing opinions on the subject so she could make an informed decision to suit her, just because you don’t agree with someone’s opinions doesn’t mean you can decide what other people’s views should be!

sorry to derail I’m just getting annoyed as every thread at the moment seems to have people that want to start an argument rather than just listening to others views and opinions politely.