AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

Oh come on! Surely these cosy dinner parties are happening on a Friday or Saturday night so the OP’s DH is repeatedly choosing a whole new social life separate from the OP and their family?!
No one is saying that the DH should stop socialising with B, but life changes and social lives/responsibilities change. B made his choice through throwing over his own family, now he seems to be encouraging the DH to do the same?
Yes it’s a shame the DH can’t attend B’s dinner parties anymore but life has moved on and he should recognise that and stick to socialising separately. Everything changes and we have to change with it and not cling to the past.
As a side note, if you were the single lady invited to the dinner party and the other single man told you his wife was very much in existence but at home (and this was a regular occurrence) what would you think?! I wouldn’t be terribly impressed.

My friend had an affair. We remained friends. Had my DH disapproved of the friendship I'd have said he didn't have to see her, but I would, individually or in a group.

I'm now a widow and largely left out of couples events. I am not after any man, never mind married ones. But apparently I'm dangerous?

Cmon yourself, you can’t seriously think people shouldn’t be able to have their own social lives when married and the op doesn’t want to go.

a whole new social life lol. He’s not encouraging him to do anything.

op, folks seem to think your husband is some feeble minded individual totally under the control of this man, who shouldn’t be allowed out without you, and certainly not where women are present as he will shag on demand.

Don’t be so naive, a cheating man who invites 3 couples, a single female friend and the husband of a woman who is friends with his ex definitely has ulterior motives in mind.

This thread is completely batshit and indicative of MN's toxic attitude to Single Women. Why does she have to be for anyone?

Maybe she's been invited to the dinner party as a friend of the host because she's funny, smart and great company? Or because she's also a good friend of the other guests? Or as a potential business contact if there's networky stuff going on? Are we seriously suggesting that women can only exist socially as 1) a man's romantic appendage, or 2) a man's potential romantic appendage? It is utterly absurd to assume she's there as a plus one or potential date for a married man.

That's a separate thing to the OP not being invited, which is ALSO a non-issue because she disapproves of the host, doesn't like him and wouldn't go anyway. So why would she be invited?

As for the husband staying friends with a cheat... I think it's easier said than done to drop one of your best friends, even when they behave awfully. I've done both - dropped a friend who cheated, stayed friends with another who cheated - and what it came down to is that I liked the latter better, and she never did that thing where she sought my approval for her cheating (in fact we've never really talked about it).

But that's not the OP's real problem, otherwise she'd have been angry at her husband for staying friends with the cheat before this dinner party invite. In fact I'd bet she wouldn't have started this thread if the Single Woman hadn't been a guest as well. This is all about the hackles going up when a Single Woman hoves into view and that is the truly toxic behaviour here.

As a side note, if you were the single lady invited to the dinner party and the other single man told you his wife was very much in existence but at home (and this was a regular occurrence) what would you think?! I wouldn’t be terribly impressed.

I'd think that we were both friends of the host who enjoyed our company. It would not even occur to me that I was there to be set up with him. If I have any thought at all to why his wife wasn't there, I'd assume that she had other commitments.

All the ulterior motives in the world are irrelevant if someone is happy in their relationship

It is incredibly misogynist of you that you can't even imagine any reason the Single Woman might be invited to a dinner party except as a sexual interest. And batshit. I have hosted, and been a guest at, many many dinner parties that featured both a Single Person and half of a married couple, and in none of those cases was the host doing some weird Iago-style romantic scheming. (And even if the host was attempting that, he can't exactly force Single Woman and Married Man to get it on if they don't want to?! The entire concept is BATSHIT.)

Because social lives change and adapt as we age, get married and have children - and if we have affairs and leave our families. B seems to want to create a social situation which suits him down to the ground, but divides OP and her husband. The DH should recognise that he can still have a separate social life seeing B but cosy dinner parties without his wife are no longer appropriate. He may miss attending them and be sad about that, but again THINGS CHANGE and he should recognise that.

This is exactly how normal people think, and it's a rare ray of light in this bonkers thread.

How is it misogynist when I’m questioning the motives of the cheating man who excludes OP and not the single woman invitee?

Your rant makes no sense.

Other commitments being she stayed at home to look after the kids - and this happened regularly? I’d think the DH was a complete dickhead to be honest.

Also ridiculous. Are you suggesting that married couples can't go to dinner parties without each other? If only one goes then it DIVIDES THE MARRIAGE?!

Yet it's absolutely the norm. Couples don't have to socialise in or with couples all the time. It's fairly common for only one half of a couple to attend a medium-sized party like this because often the other half is doing the childcare. It's a non-issue.

That is the point, the OP is not currently happy. She is being left the bulk of the housework and child care, and now her husband is having regular nights out with a cheating man who excludes OP because she has the temerity to not like his cheating.

OP is being punished by the man and her husband for sympathising with the friend’s ex.

Exactly!

My point is that if he’s happy, he won’t cheat

Because you can't accept that the single woman might be there as something other than a sexual setup?

The cheating man has excluded OP because she's made it clear she disapproves of him (which is her right).

OP is being left the bulk of the housework and child care, and now her husband is having regular nights out with a man who excludes the OP.

That is not a non-issue.

"Other commitments" that mean one half of a couple can't make a dinner party can include work commitments, travel out of town, childcare commitments and probably quite a lot of "they're more your friends and I want a quiet night in".

A couple's imbalanced childcare arrangements are not the host's responsibility or business. That's on them to sort out for themselves.

I’m questioning the motives of THIS man who has excluded OP because of her friendship with his ex and invited a single woman to make up the 8th guest at a party. Generally it’s poor etiquette to exclude a spouse.

It has no bearing on single women being invited to dinner parties, that was me for a good few years.

Butis he single if he's part of one of the couples at the dinner party?

Yes, hence the advice to OP to stop letting her DH shirk housework and childcare.

If men are so happy to go to multiple parties set up by a cheating friend then they shouldn’t be surprised when their excluded wives start checking out of the marriage.

I would stay friends if a good friend of mine had an affair. And would still meet with them. If there was a single man there, that would not change anything. I am married and can be trusted. If OP trusts her husband there is no issue in my book. Single women are not all marriage-ruining predators.
OP doesn’t want to be around that man anyway.

You still can't accept that the host's motive for inviting this single woman might be that she's funny, smart company in her own right, and friends with others at the table. Because she has things to offer as herself, not as a potential date.

You don't even want to go so I don't see the issue. yes, the affair wasn't great but he's your husband's friend and he is more than entitled to socialise with him without you.