AIBU to feel hurt when my husband accepts invitations excluding me?

[Heartford]

My DH’s best friend B (50s, professionally successful) ended his marriage by having a long affair with his wife’s close friend. He caused a lot of hurt to his wife and children to whom we remain close. My DH has stayed friends with B throughout and continued to see him alone/in other male company. I have not really seen him and he knows that I disapprove of how he ended his marriage.

The affair has now ended and B is leading a single life in London. He now invites my DH to parties and dinners without me (even when everyone else’s partner is invited). The next one is 3 couples plus DH and a single woman. I don’t like that – I think it disrespects our marriage, it leaves me at home doing domestics while DH is out having fun (this already happens quite a lot as I have a demanding job and do the lion share of household/kids for various reasons) and echoes how B treated his own wife. DH can’t see the problem. He says I wouldn’t want to go myself – which is true (as I feel uncomfortable around B due to all the lies/deceit that went with his affair). DH would also (reluctantly) cancel if I make him (and would tell B that is why). But for himself, he thinks it is fine for me not to be asked and for him to accept and go alone. AIBU in being hurt by DH’s view?

Exactly. And aren’t single women allowed to come to dinner parties as they might go after all the attached men?? Ugh.

But the OP doesn’t want to go! Couples don’t have to socialise together like they’re manacled!

The ettucute?

do you mean etiquette? 😆

I’m questioning the motives of this particular host, yes. Not of every host.

He wouldn’t be the first cheating man encouraging his friend to cheat.

That has no bearing on the woman invited to the party.

She hasn’t even been invited. And the regular invites to her DH means she is doing even more of the housework and childcare.

It's as if single women are supposed to not exist around people who are coupled up. Do these married men never come across single women at work, at hobbies, at the school gate etc? Why would the assumption be that just because she is single and he is there without his wife they will somehow magically fall madly in love and go shag in the bathroom? It's not disrespectful to mix married and non-married people. If someone who is married can't stay faithful then they won't, but it's irrelevant if that is whilst sitting at a dinner table, at the gym or at work.

It has every bearing on the woman invited.

Essentially you think it more likely that the host is attempting some sort of budget Iago machination than that he has invited a female friend, who happens to be single, because she's smart and funny company.

And surely it doesn't need saying that even if someone is trying to set two people up, they don't actually have to follow through and hook up?

She hasn’t been invited because she disapproves of how the host ended his marriage and has barely seen him since it happened! I mean would you invite someone to come round for dinner if you knew that, in the unlikely event that she accepted, she would sit there disapproving of you the entire time?

Plus she admits herself she wouldn’t go!

And her and her DH’s childcare arrangements are hardly the host’s problem. If she thinks things are unequal, that’s on her to raise it with her DH.

Again, questioning the motives of one cheating male host doesn’t mean that all single women are only invited as a potential affair partner. No one is questioning the motives of all hosts or all single female guests. Not sure how many times I have to say it.

Of course they don’t have to hook up.

Or maybe the OP is excluded because she has the temerity to still see the cheating man’s ex.

As I said in my first post, OP’sDH needs to do his fair share of household and kids, he clearly has too much free time. And OP should arrange a night out the day of the dinner party so DH can stay home and actually do some child care.

She’d have said if she did
and she didn’t

Why assume that she's at home looking after the children? The reason could be a hobby commitment (my DD1 sometimes has to miss social events as she plays a team sport at a reasonably high level) or a working shift (DD2 is a nurse and also had to miss out on social stuff) or of course they could be under the weather.

If someone I was at a meal with was married but their spouse wasn't there, I might casually stay 'oh was s/he not able to come tonight?' or I might just mind my own business.

It’s really weird that your dh (and many people on this thread) don’t see how utterly fucked yup it is that your dh is being paired up with another woman!

i would get yourself invited and go - even if it’s not your idea of a good time. Your dh’s mate seems to want a partner in crime and wishes your dh was single like him!

But he isn't single is he? He is part of one of the couples as the OP stated

Yeah you’re right, she did, she also though said he was single in her op.

Said what?

Or they can both go out separately and get a babysitter.

It’s not clear, OP says he’s single and also doesn’t say if he has a date for the party.

The fucked up thing is assuming two people are being invited to a dinner party purely to be paired up with each other. Rather than because the host simply enjoys their company.

A babysitter isn’t always the answer.

He's not being paired with another woman. He is going to a group dinner and so is she. OPs husband isn't even single. If I go to a friends dinner and there is a single man there, I don't automatically think that I am expected to hook up with him. I meet single and non-single men all the time, I sleep with precisely none of them.

I don’t think that’s the point. I’ve had dinner parties with a mix of singles and couples and ended up with quite uneven numbers of men and women, which is totally fine since it’s not the 1920s, no one was paired up! The lack of invite for the op combined with the perfect numbers matching up sounds like B thinks he can set them up, it doesn’t tell us anything about the woman but dh attending with the host having paired him up with another woman is a no go to me. Nothing to do with the woman, everything to do with the message from b and your dh accepting that.

I would also seriously ask my husband doesn’t he like him less knowing he’s a terrible dad? Could he imagine leaving his dc like that? Doesn’t he judge men who do? Because I do, and if my dh didn’t I’d say to him that does concern me you might be one of those men who can switch off from your own children.

I don’t think the issue is op not being invited here, it’s the fact that he’s got himself a date and seemly one for op’s DH too. Having a date doesn’t make you not single for those nitpicking about that! Of course this is not ok

But she doesn’t approve of the bloke. If she feels like she needs to supervise him, then what’s the point!