To think there are more adult children left behind like this?

[Dappy777]

My middle-aged relative lives with his widowed mother. He sleeps in his childhood bedroom, doesn't work and has never had a proper job. He pays no NI and won't get a state pension. We're pretty sure he has an avoidant personality disorder (he ticks all the boxes), but he won't see anyone. If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless.

A new lady has started at work whose brother is almost exactly the same. Last week we were discussing them when another colleague said she knows two adult children like this – one male, one female, both in their 40s, neither working nor claiming, reclusive, and living with ageing parents.

She added that she has a friend who works in social care and who says you'd be surprised how many are out there – adult children living at home, struggling with undiagnosed problems (anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, poor social skills), who don't work or socialise, hide away until their parents die, and then have no idea how to cope.

Do you think it is more common? If it is, why?

We have someone like this in our extended family too.

Stopped going to school around 14 or 15, and voiced intention to harm himself if parents intervened, so they didn't. School truancy officers managed to get him back in now and again, but he refused to sit any exams and left school aged 16 with no qualifications at all.

That was 14 years ago and since then he has done nothing. He is not claiming benefits so is on nobody's radar. No qualifications, no skills. Rarely leaves the house except to walk the family dog. Entirely supported by his parents.

No idea what will happen to him when his parents are no longer around. His parents I'm sure know they have failed him and should have acted when he was a "child" and got him therapy/medication/support but they didn't and he is now 30 and and adult making his own decisions. The parents are very very defensive about the whole situation and just shut down all discussion about it.

I was worried about my oldest ending up like this. He flunked his A levels and then didn't do much. He had a very part time job, which was the only time he left the house, otherwise he'd be in his bedroom.

In the end I told him he had to get a full time job because i couldn't afford for him to live with me otherwise- I'm on benefits as I'm a carer for my other son who is disabled. He eventually found a full time job when he was 23. It's minimum wage, but he loves it. He's on the waiting list for a council flat, so hopefully he'll move out soon. He does help around the house, good at cooking, washes his own clothes etc, I wouldn't let him get away with doing nothing. It just took him a while longer to launch.

My son who is disabled will be living at home for the time being, I will be looking into supported living for him in the future as he won't be able to live independently.

“Nice if you can get it” 🤣 whaaaaat? You must have a truly miserable life because this to me sounds like a very sad way to live.

How are you so sure that it's "definitely " become more common? Do you have links to any studies?

In a very similar situation, middle aged sister never left home, probably undiagnosed autism, has low paid work with not many hours, 80 year old mother pays all the bills, no mortgage on the home, mother not made a will or protected the house in any way if she needs to go into care.

what will happen to my sister? Would she be entitled to housing?

Two relatives on my DH's side live at home with their ageing mother. Both in their 30's and she does their laundry, buys & cooks their food, they don't pay rent or upkeep, so they have no overheads & they don't work. All while DH over here is working his butt off to earn money for his family!!

I have a cousin and like that. Cousin was a very bitter woman, hated, I mean really hated children and disparaging about her cousins who had careers and partners and enjoyed life. Her mum died about 25 years ago and I have no clue what happened to her. She did try and "come and stay for a bit" with my mum, but she wouldn't have it.
We lived rurally and is pretty common. A daughter or son, is the one who stays to work on the farm, never marries, is old before their time. DH used to work with one such man, isolated so much he really doesnt know how to function in society-his taste is that of his parents, so stuck in the 60s and 70s and can say something inappropriate things.

Good idea to look into the rules around funding for care. If there is an adult dependent living in the house when the mum dies, it may be that they can remain living in the house.

If his mother has to go into a care home, the house will be sold and he'll be homeless

might not be the case https://www.ashberry-care-homes.co.uk/articles/can-my-daughter-continue-to-live-in-my-house-if-i-go-into-care

the council can’t be seen to actually create a homeless person and especially if they’ve never lived anywhere else

It might be wise to help your sister get a diagnoses, obtain pip and possibly if appropriate get a POA sorted for her so in the future you can help.

its possible the autism could exclude her from paying council tax due to SMI - reducing her bills further if living alone

I think the problem isn't some people with autism who cope best that way still living with their parents, it's there not being the jobs or support for as many as possible of them to get out of the house every day and build some skills and independence that way.

Multigenerational living in itself is not automatically a problem. It's realistically sometimes the only way an extended family can care for all its members when the state has limited resources.

Yep... My DH had a school friend who lived with his parents until just before he turned 30. He told his friends his plan was just to stay there and he would then inherit the house, but he then moved into a random house share and was dead by suicide two months after his birthday.

At the funeral we found out from his parents that he was autistic (with the hindsight of now having an autistic child, it was very obvious and I imagine he had been diagnosed as a child), so the diagnosis had not been in any way preventative.

Very weird. But some people love their own bias more than facts. Anyway despite all the posters on here sharing there experiences of people like this in their 30s/40s/50s/60s etc @Oldglasses has determined covid lockdown is to blame. So that's that. 🤔

I have a relative by marriage similar.
He's a very reserved, gentle person and I think possibly ASD. He's also been raised in a conservative religious family and I suspect may be gay but would sadly feel shameful about it.

He has always worked in office based jobs where social interaction was minimal and lived with his parents till his late 40's, his dad has now passed away and he has his own flat nearby to his mum and still spends most of his non working time with her, holidays with her etc.
He seems happy in his own way but I don't know how it will play out when his mum passes away, his work will hopefully keep him from becoming completely isolated.

His brother is completely different, outgoing and married with children. When he got his own flat his brother's wife who was always very scathing about his 'sad' lifestyle was furious because he was 'abandoning' his parents. Poor bloke can't win!

This
It can be ND or MH issues but its also a symptom of toxic family abuse in which parents " fail to launch" their children and fall into severe co dependency
They cant bear to see their children being better than them
Its appalling

A lot of people have mentioned autism, which I'm sure makes it difficult to cope. The cases that puzzle me are the ones in which there's nothing obviously wrong – my relative, for example. If I told you he was 50 and had never left home, you'd probably form an image of him in your mind that would entirely wrong. He isn't at all like you'd expect. I think it all went to shit in his twenties when he had severe social anxiety and couldn't work. He never managed to get straight after that and sort of drifted into the life he's living now – enabled by his mother.

Both of my brothers live with my mother, they are 36 and 30. I don't think any of them, mother included, has any intention of them ever moving out.

My brother is 45 and still lives with our mum. He has had one job in his entire life but hasn’t worked for about ten years. I think he expects to be able to live in the family home when my mum eventually passes away but I don’t know how he’s planning to pay the bills or for food. If she has any savings, they will be split between the three children, even if he is able to keep the house for himself. I find it utterly bizarre. My other brother and I left home as soon as we had finished university.

Does it really matter? I lived at home with my dear mother until I was 52 - I loved being there with her. Then I met my husband! I prefer the life I had with my lovely DM.

I'm 34 and this could have been me but I'm trying to turn it around. I was an obese child who went through puberty really early, hated it, got teased a lot and became very withdrawn at around 10/11 ish. Both parents (divorced so in different households) also babied me to the extreme and it became something of a perfect storm.
I did an artsy degree but lost all the weight through what almost escalated into an eating disorder and spent most of my third year barely leaving the house and most of my twenties unemployed.
Got a job in a supermarket in my late 20s and have been there since. I passed my driving test last month and am surprised at how much I love driving and quickly I took to it.
I'm currently torn between trying to retrain into better paid work (and potentially a career) or to pursue art again (very, very risky, I know). Am also paying attention to pensions and making sure there won't be any more gaps when it comes to my ni contributions.
Neither of my parents earned much money (both have more coming in now from their state pensions alone then they ever did in their working lives) and are both pretty hopeless when it comes to financial matter so I wasn't taught anything. Again, when coupled with me being so withdrawn in adolescence and my early to mid 20s, it became a perfect storm.
I still live with my mum but would like to live alone one day. Unfortunately, she doesn't really have enough money to live on her own at this point in time either so it's a bit of an awkward situation.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. I just hope I can turn things around and not waste anymore time.

Totally agree with this.

Some people have no interest in joining the rat race or having a busy social life and actively choose to stay on the periphery of society. It’s an easier life, and most of the examples given are of people who don’t claim benefits so they’re not a drain on the taxpayer. I don’t see what the issue is and why everyone jumps to the conclusion that it’s ’terribly sad’. I’m the opposite of these people - a classic type A who loves being busy - but even I can see the appeal of a quiet life where one can read, watch TV, listen to music, and see family every day, and not have to deal with the bullshit of modern life.

Because the ons says so

Those of you blaming parents, what exactly do you expect us to do? My son has a diagnosis of autism & ADHD, was forced into a special school as he was six years behind academically, we were told he had a mild learning disability. Well, guess what, he doesn't. He's of mainstream ability, he just got there much more slowly than everyone else. He never leaves the house, except for college (where he's catching up on what he missed by not being in mainstream education) . Every week me & my husband find clubs for him to join & and every week he refuses to go to any of them. He's too anxious to do anything, has no friends. What help is there for us?

I have a sibling like this in his 30s and it's an on-going bone of contention. He has no autism, is a perfectly capable adult and holds a steady job yet has never been pushed to move out.

My mum thinks she's doing him a favour letting him live at home but he has no life skills and I have absolutely no idea how he'll cope when my parents pass on and he'll have to eventually move out on his own out the family home.

I've tried to discuss it with them but it's an issue my mum buries her head in the sand. I think the expectation is me and my other sibling will look after him which absolutely won't be happening at all.

How did this happen, do you think? A case of someone who does very well somewhere like school where it's quite regimented, in the sense that the rules are clear and it's obvious what you have to do to succeed, but then couldn't make it work in the adult world where you need to be more proactive and self reliant and the path isn't always clear? I know a few people like that.