To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

your MIL was totally out of order. Your mental health is the biggest priority and yes ofc friends help with that. Keep building those friendships!

It’s only been 4 months ofc you’re not yet organised, still falling into the new routines.

When you’re ready and If you’re physically able to get a sling.

I appreciate her i do but she just laughs at him I wouldn't like it if mil laughed at me

Are you serious? She's not 'sitting around drinking coffee every day'. She's looking after a tiny baby, socialising with them, and trying to make this very hard, often very dull time a little bit more bearable. Her job right now is to recover and look after her child. It is not about housework and cooking for a manbaby.

Jeez, OP, ignore this. Sure, clean and cook as you go along if you can, and if you want to. Sometimes it's just impossible with a young child around.

Otherwise it's 50/50 on cooking and cleaning, like I'm sure it was (hopefully) before you had a baby and like it will (should) be when you go back to work. Honestly, I don't understand anyone who insists it should be any other way. Equal work time, equal leisure time (without children), equal housework time.

So your husband's mother stuck her nose in to argue that her son has to work too hard? What a surprise! (/sarcasm)

She doesn't like him and with respect she probably has very good reason given the way he treats you

Yes but to laugh it isnt very helpful

He wants you to do painting? Checking for dust?! Make him homecooked meals and deal with a colicky baby whilst you have PPD? More red flags than a communist parade!

I'm sorry your husband is shit, I'm sorry your in laws are shit. I hope your mother stays til you're better and rips them a new one.

He sounds pathetic. I'd laugh at him too.

Listen to your mum op.

she is spot on.

Your mum sees him for the abusive prick that he is. Listen to her.

Your mum sounds fabulous. Channel her strength.

Use the time with your mum to work out an exit strategy as and when you may want one.

Your DH sounds nasty. And that is NOT your fault. Don't stay with the nasty abusive piece of work just because you think it's expected of you. Sounds like your Mum will have your back.

I expect it was an exasperating laugh that her own daughter can’t see him for what he is.

No no no who cares about housework? Your partner is wrong. Your PIL can do it if they are so concerned.

Is he a bit hard of thinking?! One minute you’re wasting time with meals but then he wants a home cooked meal but burgers aren’t good enough because his mate has a curry to eat… fucking bellend. Nothing you would do would be good enough by the sounds of it.

It sounds like your 'partner' is jealous that you're making new friends and maybe gaining confidence. He should be thrilled for you, not trying to belittle you at every turn. He sounds like he needs a few things explained to him, one of them being that you are not his servant and you don't have to be at his beck and call night and day.
Honestly, he and his mother sound awful.

Your partner is an arse and your MIL needs to butt out. My baby had colic and would settle much better out of the house where there were more distractions. Being at home meant she wanted to be carried constantly so I couldn’t get anything done anyway. My dh was completely supportive and encouraged me to get out and about.

Today, she asked how baby, I answered then she goes, oh I mean dp name. I told her to stop as everyone is always having a go. Mil to me, him to me, mum to me, mum to him

Fuck me. He sounds dreadful and your MIL sounds completely fucking awful too. I am so angry for you OP. Keep going to your groups, look after your baby and look after yourself. They are your only 2 priorities right now.

She does have a moderately clean house though... he wants her to do fucking decorating and deep cleans whilst making him a homecooked meal. But then criticises the meals shoe does make him.

I can see why the OPs mental health took a dip living with such a horrid man.

Exactly. How fucking dare he check for dust. Be careful when you hand him a duster that you don't accidentally shove it up his arse.
If things are not to his standard he's welcome to do it.
Maternity leave is for resting and caring for the baby.

How old is his mother?
Baby groups were a thing when I had had my children and my eldest is 40! I went to a group or met with other mums most days. It was invaluable not just for me but also for the babies.
Unless your house is extremely unhealthy, dirty etc the housework can wait. It was always at the very bottom of my list of priorities when I had a baby and my husband would never have criticised me for it
The groups are vital for your mental health husband and his mother are being extremely unreasonable

The thing is the mess only gets worse. This guy will be expecting you to follow the toddler around on both of your days off work with a hoover, bin bag and a pack of wipes while he relaxes from working so hard because mummy told him his wife should be doing everything.

Woah! I happen to believe his mother is right if we’re talking frequent lack
of dinner but she has no business saying this and he has no business going to hers for dinner unless that’s by agreement with you that this is easiest.

If your baby is crying all the time it’s just really hard for you at the moment and it will get easier.

I do think his mother is not being helpful here but let’s assume she is acting from the best of intentions and trying to make her son and your life easier.

Others have made great suggestions on putting baby in the bouncer etc. Do you have a playpen? Can you make a rota - clean loos on Mondays (takes 5 mins, do sinks as well if time, takes another 5), dust on Tuesdays, hoover on Wednesdays, showers/baths on Thursdays? Kitchen is every night after making dinner, you can do that together or your husband can if you’ve cooked…

You have an abusive partner. Leave him.

Sweetheart, your mum sounds AMAZING!
Listen to her. She is fighting your corner for you. She can see what an arsehole you have for a husband.

Now I've read all your posts, your husband is an abusive dickhead who is trying to grind you down and isolate you. Nothing you ever do will be good enough and he will always expect more. Go to baby groups, or even better, go to your mums. Whatever you do, do not give up your social connections and don't back down.