To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Baffles me that people think this is actually about housework and not control.

I'm not sure that either mother is being particularly helpful atm as they are both upsetting Op.

Too many men seem to think that being at home with a baby is a breeze though & that other things should take priority.

You do realise that this was her trying to help you.

When your mum comes... can she help you leave?

You are being abused in your home. You need to understand this.

Can he not cook his own? My brother is single but he cooked frequently in his last long term relationship and he works full time. Seriously. It's 2026 - why are women being conditioned into believing they have to do the bulk of cooking and housework just because the man works?

When my kids were little my (now ex) husband used to constantly moan about me ‘socialising’ - said in a condescending way. Toddler groups were the only thing that kept me sane and often took no more than a couple of hours out of the day. But I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old, and those two hours were so important to just be able to feel like a grown up again. He would complain that I ‘hadn’t prepped the veg like my mum always did’ … anyway, like I said, he’s an ex. You have to do what you need to to stay happy when children are little; it’s very important for them too that they learn to mix and are stimulated outside the house and before pre school.

She is providing this sack of shit a dinner - but not the right kind of dinner. You know, not a 3 course extravaganza with wine paired to each course. And he is doing fuck all.

Perhaps read all the OP's posts, and try again. This MIL is NOT acting in her best intentions, and neither is he.

No-body should be telling a mum, 4 months post partum, suffering PPD, with a colicky baby, that she should stop doing the things that are keeping her vaguely functioning and instead isolate herself at home cleaning and cooking all day.

Go to your groups babe. And tell your husband and MIL in the same room, in front of each other that if it's an issue, one of them will need to fork out for a weekly cleaner. They can argue about which of them can pay. They are both absolute cocks.

If one of my sons was coming to my house for his dinner, because his post partum wife wasn’t cooking for him, I would be a) bollocking him and telling him to be a more supportive and helpful man and b) sending round some home cooked food for my DIL, @HazelMember. I certainly wouldn’t be rewarding or encouraging his lazy behaviour.

Ds1 is currently the only one who has children, and thankfully he didn’t need to be told to pull his weight around the house, either before or after the children were born. I would say I had failed as a mother if any of our dses behaved half as badly as @Burnedoutmama‘s dh is behaving.

Apparently she sent round some home cooked dinners. For him. Lovely woman.

Your mum is wise.

Just read what you have written in all your posts with an open mind.

He sounds very controlling. I'd be taking the baby and spending some time at your mums.

HV has his number. Your DM has his number. He’s a wrong’un.

I love your mother. I assume she is also Scottish? I appreciate laughing at him prob doesnt help was he always like this or got worse now baby is here. I'd similar chat 28 years ago when my 1st born was a baby with my great uncle re DP making his own tea as I was at theirs and walking home. The poor man working all day... Aye that poor man who has a fridge and freezer full of food and all the instructions on the box and stuff he likes in uncles defence he was in his 70s and born in the1920s!

I'm sorry OP, but he sounds bloody dreadful no wonder you're struggling living with that absolute prince amongst men! His attitude reminds me of my dad and honestly my mum should have packed him back off to his enabling nasty mother many years ago, she'd have felt much better about herself and saved herself a lot of work serving the giant man child. Keep going to your groups and don't allow him to isolate you, you've got this and you're doing a wonderful job looking after you and baby. As long as the house is safe and hygienic it doesn't need to be a show home x

Are you reading anyone's responses to you here?

You need to get away from this man....not tell him to clean. Your mother is right, he is a disgusting man. He is an abuser. Please please open your eyes and get help to leave him.

Talk to your friends, talk to your mum, message any person on this thread, talk to the health visitor, talk to your GP. Anybody.

Was he a good man before the baby? Are you on mat leave? How are you financially? Could you cope alone? Would you want to?
Those are the questions I’d be asking myself about a man who could not wholly support me during the hardest time of my life!

The baby is now your full time job. Only difference is that is a full time 24/7 situation not 40 hours a week. That includes baby groups and coffee mornings and whatever else you do. It’s not like you’d be doing those things if you didn’t have a baby.

Your MiL needs to wind her neck in at the state of the house and home cooked meals. Don’t lean on her for help if you can avoid it. She sounds like she’ll only throw it in your face at some point If she pulls you aside or anything in future, politely tell her that it’s not up for discussion. Don’t give her room to talk.

Your husband needs to step up and take some extra responsibility. So what if he needs to work then shop on his way home or cook his own tea. He should be cooking your as well! So what if he needs to clean a loo or wipe the kitchen. He needs to pull his weight and then some whilst you have a tricky baby. It’s not 1952!

Can he not just fuck off to the 1950s and get his home cooked dinner there?

The husky joining in made me laugh! Does the dog join in at home as well?

Dear God, you’ve got yourself a bloke from the 1950s. And a MIL from hell.

OP, I had my DC twenty years ago. Both were colicky until about 3 months although mainly in the evening and i managed mostly ok. But every evening for several weeks DH and I tag teamed getting tea ready, eating it and rocking DS. DH did not come from home from work, complain about dust on the picture rails and then go to his mum’s for tea. It’s not often i’m speechless but I am now.

Get him told - loudly and clearly. Until baby’s colic has gone you need a daily group in the mornings and the housework will be done to a basic standard only. If he wants better, he can do it himself.

With a moron like this for an H and a MIL who is clearly a problem you are going to have to find your voice. If I’m lucky enough to be a DGM and my DIL was struggling I’d offer to clean, not remind you of your household duties.

But then again if my DS behaved like your DH I would be on his case faster than he could say dust.

You sound like a good MIL.

I don't agree with the MIL's behaviour but her partner should be supporting her 100%. He should have her back. MIL is secondary.

This. What do you mean, you agree with the MIL re frequent lack of dinner? Why is it her job to make him dinner? What century do you live in?

When something happens in any relationship (family, friend etc)I like to think can I reconcile this behaviour with who I think this person is?

Would the person you thought you were having a child with check high places for dust and demand fancy cooked dinners when their partner is struggling significantly with their mental health? Or to be honest ever? Would they allow their mother to be cruel to the mother of their child (and you know feeding only him is cruel). Would that person claim that they cannot be expected to cook after a full day's work, despite that being what most people do? People who live alone, single mothers, single fathers, parents where both work.

I echo People saying you should tell your health visitor all of this. The high level of demand. That you already get up before the baby to make him breakfast. The pressure to give up something that is helping your mental health, the money comments, the kicking your mum out. All of it.

The checking for dust thing is like something out of Sleeping with the Enemy.

He sounds awful OP. As does his mum who has clearly always put men first and expects you to do the same.

What I would say is that your mum needs to rein it in though. Having a go at him rudely is not on either.

What's your finances like? Could you get a cleaner, even an hour a week?

My DH used to come home and cook or hold baby while I cooked btw. We split the cleaning but tbh we let our standards drop fair bit. When my DC was older they napped in cot and it was easier to clean a bit then.

Don't you dare stop going to those groups as long as you need to. Your mental health is so much more important than a bit of dust or having a home cooked bloody curry. He should listen to himself.

But she’s brought him up to be like this. That is clear from how she’s spoken to OP. It is a basic responsibility of parents to bring their DC up to not be arseholes. The MIL is a major problem here - fostering and enabling his appalling views and behaviour.

what I advise you do op, is

keep this thread, and when you have time and mental space, actually read it, slow enough to understand it.

I don’t think you’re listening at the moment, just continually providing anecdotes about how awful and abusive he is.

yes, we know. Seek help.

Babes. Run away from these cunts!