To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

This is insane. I thought I’d be able to keep on top of housework easily on maternity leave. Baby wouldn’t be put down without screaming - so I very rarely did anything around the house. When my partner came home he would have the baby while I did some cleaning - he quickly felt sorry for me and wanted to spend time the three of us so found a cleaner. He was of the attitude that a year with the baby was a once in a lifetime experience and he “wanted me to enjoy it” not be stressed! Dinner wasn’t made until he got home and could hold the baby!

He’s a nasty abusive bully, and so is his mum. Your HV is probably noticing how controlling he is and is keen for you to be able to get away from the house.

Please be careful, and seek support.

He's a horrible man and he's a abusing and bullying you now that you are vulnerable having just had a baby.
When I was maternity leave my husband used to say he couldn't believe how managed to do while looking after a baby, and I was literally just doing washing, basic cooking/dishes (not all the time just when he was at work) and a bit of tidying. I was definitely not dusting or baking or making soup or curry!
His mum also sounds vile and I wouldn't let her on my house again. He would be on his way out too.

Well the professionals can clearly see it.

Sorry this isn't right and is about more than housework.

How would he be if you said you are leaving baby with him next Saturday and meeting your mum pals for lunch? Have you done that yet?

The opposite. She spotted, correctly, that he was nasty.

Every update makes this worse. The fact the midwife wanted to see you on your own was because she suspected you were a victim of domestic abuse. Please think about that.

The saddest thing to me is that he has got your questioning whether you are 'always starting arguments' when it's clear all the conflict is coming from him. He is gaslighting you in the extreme.

You need to drop the manchild, I guarantee 100% you’ll find it easier on your own.
he is abusing you.

How old is your MIL? Baby groups were 100% a thing when my adult kids were babies. Getting out the house is massively important when your baby is small for Mum's mental health more than anything. But, regardless, it's none of her business. If she wants to help, she can run the vacuum around rather than give her unsolicited opinions.

I mean, if it's just the 3 of you and you're all out the house at least half the day, how messy can the house be?! I used to just do a quick clean up when DH got home and he would take the baby for their bath.

Always had a saying on my house" those who criticize must take over'

Basically if you don't like the way something is ( or isn't done) do it yourself

Wasn't just partner I used it with but kids also

He is trying to isolate you. Can you confide in one of your new friends? So that you have someone looking out for you?

I am meeting them for a wine next week. He was pretty shocked it was mid week and kept wanting to know how i will get home. Taxi i said. He said wasting family money but its my money! He told me i better not get drunk and it isnt safe for baby of course I wont get drunk its a couple of wines maybe I wont even drink and just enjoy company. Drink goes to my head very easily now. He kept wanting to pick me up i said no it'll be past baby bedtime not fair

I should have finished reading the thread. Your partner is no partner and that's your problem, right there.

I felt so sad reading your message - took me back to the early days of our babies when my DH and I just weren't on the same page at all. Thinking about it later - I think it came down to the fact that I started adjusting my life to the baby when I got pregnant. He didn't start making any adjustments until the baby was about 9 months old - basically he was always 9 months behind me.

That said, I also agree that your DH sounds like a sexist arse. I am guessing he has never actually looked after your baby for any length of time (probably does no night feeds etc) so has absolutely no idea how hard it is and has probably never put any thought into it because he hasn't had to. His life only started changing 4 months ago and his first response was to run to his mummy.

I suggest that you start handing baby over to DH now to help him grow up a bit. Go out for a whole day on a weekend, go back to work a day a week, whatever it takes - just start the process of him growing up and catching up with you asap.

Doesn't want you going to baby groups, doesn't want you with your friends. This is classic abuse. Do you work?

Make sure you share how your partner and his mother are treating you with one of your close Mum friends so that you have someone in teal life supporting you and helping you see that what they are doing is not okay.

They both sound AWFUL. Please keep going to your groups. The early years and the days of Baby group go so quickly – before you know it you won’t even remember what they are. It’s a short term intervention that you clearly need! The comment about a home-cooked meal makes me roll my eyes so much they hurt.

Your partner is not a partner. He is a knob and is using his mother to support his arsehole behaviour.

You are doing WAY more around the house than I ever did with that young a baby -at that age it is about them and what they need and keeping the place and yourselves above water.

Its not going to get any better with him i'm afraid - some men don't show their true colours until after you have a baby. You are definitely seeing now what he is like - please don't let him do this to you. Tell your mum and your friends and whoever can help you through this - tell the health visitor if you can see her on your own (sometimes they do drop in weigh clinics where you can go and see someone). The fact he doesn't want to leave you alone with others means he knows they are worried about his behaviour.

This is abuse. It will not change. Can you leave?

He is a dick. Your job through the day is to look after your baby, not to be his skivvy.

You might end up doing more than your fair share of housework some days if you happen to be at home, but that doesn't make it your responsibility to do everything.

If he's not happy with the state of the house, offer to make a rota splitting jobs equally. You can take it in turns to watch the baby and crack on with chores each evening and over the weekend.

His mum has no say in what happens in your home or marriage, he needs to tell her to mind her own business.

I tell him tonight I go to baby groups and say I want to talk about housework and we sort i am looking forward to mum staying but worried she will start an argument he did kick her out once as she laughed at him over something I cant remember now. He told her to stay in hotel and she goes darling I wasnt never staying you bring people down and you hate me because I see through you. She then goes to say, tell ur mum to come over, the little lady propping u up.
I told her if she is going to be threaten not to come over she says I will learn one day and someone needs to fight my corner. Why is everyone fighting

He sounds insufferable.

It sounds like you are doing amazing. Some home cooked meals with a 4 month old to look after is fantastic. He needs to step up. Unless you both agreed for you to be effectively a Stepford Wife, it is completely unreasonable for him to expect dinner every night, you making his lunches, keeping the house spotless. Him inspecting for cobwebs is insulting. Unfortunately it sounds like his mum has helped to plant ideas in his brain that you should be at his beck and call during your maternity leave. Looking after a baby is tough, and its so important to look after your mental health and build a support network of friends with similar aged babies. This will be invaluable over the years.

Are you going back to work? Assuming you are, he'll need to take a much more even approach to housework and childcare. If he's complaining now about making the odd meal and walking the dog, its going to be even more difficult at the end of your maternity leave. Or you run the risk of going 10 steps back with your own mental health trying to do everything yourself.

I think you need a big conversation about each others expectations, now and in the future, and ensure you are both aligned more moving forwards. I really hope he takes your thoughts and feelings into account

Your mum is trying to save you. Please listen to her. We all agree with her. Dozens of women.

Apart from a couple but those are best ignored.

And as for them claiming you are starting the argument! It’s outrageous. Apparently you have to do whatever you are told and agree at all times or you’re ’starting an argument’. Bollox to that! They are the ones picking fault and arguing all the time. You are just trying to get on with being a mum.

As my DD was a tiny tich and the house looked like a tip I told anyone who had the nerve to mention it where the cleaning stuff was kept to knock themselves out. You are still so so very early in. So please grab everything tgat makes you feel good, better, safe and happy. This is what benefits your momentarily grouchy Monster. Not a clean kitchen. Your MIL could come and swing the mop if her offspring is living beneath his and her standards. It's so very condescending and ludicrous the way she talked to you and and had the nerve to judge you. You know, I have the pregnancy from hell, birth was utterly frightening and most the first year of my DDs life was spent in hospital. I was a complete hot mess after. My DH worked, cooked, cleaned and looked after the Baby Toad. That's what you do when you are a family. It's not about fair allocation of chores. Whoever can does it. And it's even more important to make sure you are always a unit. Your MIL isn't allowed to have a judgement. And your Husband needs to make sure she's kept in her box. As for him, he needs to grow up. He is not the Baby anymore. He is a father. And if he wants a clean house he has to bloody play with the sponge and bleach himself. You won't need the bubble of your groups to this extent forever. This is fluid. But at the moment your job is to heal from the birth, love your Munchkin and get through early motherhood one day at the time. And in your case one group at the time. I am glad you have found your safe space. You go Mama! You are nailing it!

She even made dig to him that baby groups good and will help baby development so they aren't clingy or whinny men he says u talking to me she goes if shoe fits. He mentioned once to her after I said she can come to a group with me when she visits that she will be amazed as they didnt exist when I was younger. She laughed and said honey ur mum must be a dinosaur or chained to kitchen to never gone to any. He always storms out she just laughs

Because youre husband is controlling and insufferable. Are you happy?