To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

I hope you haven't married this nasty, CONTROLLING, abusive prick?

Talk about moving home if you can.
He is an absolute disgrace and his bitch mother no better.

If you were my daughter I would be collecting you from this abusive environment and bringing you home.

He some CF behaving as if you are his skivvy.

Don't ever risk getting pregnant by him again.
Reach out to Women's aid and tell the health visitor the truth.

He wants you stuck at home under his control.
He is a really bad man.

Take it seriously and start planning your escape.

Your partner is a prick. I'm sorry. You'd probably find life so much easier on your own with the baby. Good luck.

Everything was split evenly really some days he done more some days maybe I dont more depending who was doing what I mean for housework I have suggested cleaner he says its embarrassing for two people and a baby and waste of money. I asked if he could ask his mil to watch baby and I will clean he says no he doesnt need his mum knowing our problems and when I say but u tell her I am causing argument again

You do what you need to do as your mental
health is important. However, after a few weeks could you drop one baby group to enable you to spend a couple of hours cleaning the house?
This is a difficult one (like so much in marriage) because neither of you deserves to be unhappy. I don’t think it is great that your mil decided to interfere, however the fact that your husband has talked to her about it indicates this is really bothering him. Ideally, you’d be at the stage where you are both able to discuss your issues with each other directly.
Rather than focus on who
is right and who is wrong here, maybe take the view that both of you have valid feelings and focus on finding a constructive compromise. He does some housework in addition to work and you do some housework in addition to baby.

My god I want to give you such s big hug . I was in same position, bad birth, reflux baby I can't put down, no family near and had just moved so no pals either. Getting out and meeting ppl saved my soul. Housework was done in the evening by ne AND HUSBAND. He was 50/50 on all things. Yours is letting you down hugely.

Download peanut app to meet local mums and attend these groups, your baby will gain so much too.

He's just bullying you while you are vulnerable. Talking in circles.

Have you had PPD? Because I have. I was almost suicidal. I'm sharing what worked for me. Part of what worked for me was trying to enjoy the time I spent with my baby. And yes, my first purple-cried a lot. She had low sleep needs, and still does. I've posted before about how her naps were literally 9min long. So I was forced to do housework while she was awake.

I don't think it's horrible of me to share what worked for me.

Sounds like your "D"H hasn't been doing enough baby duty by himself to realise how little you can get done on your own while caring for a baby.

I've got 3 kids, 1 is 5 months old, and my daily tasks are:
1 load of washing in the morning
Empty/fill dishwasher
Clean kitchen (wipe tops, put any mess away)
Make sure theres something in for lunch for tomorrow
Prep tea
Tidy bedroom
1 washing load in the afternoon/evening.

If I've done all that, that keeps things ticking over. So what if there's skids in the toilet, better that than PND.

If the kids are napping when they should, I might be able to squeeze in some extra jobs, but they are above and beyond, not expected, and I prioritize my mental health after suffering with PND after my first. Make sure you're fed and have sat with a cup of tea as soon as the baby has gone off to sleep so even if the nap is cut short, you're refreshed.

Make sure you get DH to take part in some of babys day ie bath and bed, and that will give you a little time to clear up from tea or so some other jobs or just sit and catch your breath! And besides he should be involved in his own baby anyway.

I think your DH and MIL sound like they are from the 1950s?!

Your DH is underestimating how demanding it can be looking after a little one- perhaps he could have the baby one day on a weekend and see how he gets on juggling baby and domestic duties.

If the house does really need to be tackled perhaps your DH can take some A/L to help out so you can both get on top of housework. As others say invest in a cleaner for a few months (forever?!) if it’s doable in your budget. Perhaps your MIL could bring a meal over or help with some housework?

Some MILs get a bit weird when they see their DDiL things differently to them.

You sound like you’re doing great mom, you’ve been washing, hoovering, making soup as well as getting out the house. Going to baby groups with a colicky baby is an excellent idea. Don’t feel bad. Happy mum happy baby!

Why doesn’t your DH get more oven ready meals in so it’s easy for you both to grab something. Or between yourself and DH you could batch cook a chilli, a curry and/or a soup, roast a chicken so you have something easy to heat up over the week. Maybe you can meal prep, do a shopping list and get an online delivery so food is all sorted for the week.

Seriously leave your DH with the baby and see how he gets on with the dusting!

This isn't to do with PPD. This is domestic abuse ramping up.

Seriously hit mental health will drastically improve when you leave this fucking arse of a man, Mine did.

He sometimes goes to his mums for dinner as she says he shouldn't be doing a full day at work and then sorting a oven cooked dinner himself

Does he jump in a Tardis and go back to 1950?

He always took the time off to be in house for health visitor. He at times said I dont realise how good I have it. He was in full agreement when she said she was referring me to groups and that she wanted to see me on my own the following day. I said no I am not depressed she said I never said u were I want to check in with you. He said he might struggle with taking the time off she said no, I am happy with dad I want to see mum on her own. He now doesnt like health visitor said dads get no support

You need to tell your mother the truth.

He is a nasty bully.
Contact Women's aid.
You poor pet.

Thank you!! I was just about to say the same. The OP is a victim of mental abuse.

Seriously and I say this sincerely. Tell him to cook his own fucking dinner. There are so many red flags here - you can't be happy with the way he's treating you. I bet you if you made him a home cooked three course meal - he would still find fault. Please tell your mum what's going on

I agree with PPs, please tell your mum everything that is in this thread. x

My mum hates it
When I first met him I asked her opinion and she said she wouldnt write home about him
I always thought it was a bit nasty

This is a huge red flag. The health visitor wants to see you on your own for a reason. She has recognised that his behaviour is problematic.
The fact he wont let you see her on your own will have raised alarm bells.

Housework will always be there.
No one thinks on their deathbed I wished I did more Housework.
You are doing the best you can.
Time with your baby you won't get back.
Either get a cleaner or your dh can step up.
Make life even easier by getting rid of dh and you'll get rid of mil.
Your dh is a weak one tickle tackling to his mum and she is a bitch.

I tell you what is embarassing, watching your partner struggle and whineing about dinner.

Short term get a cleaner.

He doesn't want you to be alone with the health visitor incase you tell them how unhappy you are

If your MIL wants to be helpful she could pop round once a week for a couple of hours to vacuum and clean the bathroom - rather than forcing unsolicited advice on you.

Isn’t that clear to you op from tgar, that the health visitor could see that you are being abused?

Oh my god I am so sorry he is being such an arse. Please please please do NOT give up your baby groups. They are a lifeline to you; they were a lifeline to me. I cannot emphasise this enough. I'm sure your house is fine and if not, so what? Your mental health, getting out of the house, making friends who may well become a support network/babysitting circle for you in future is sooooo much more important.