To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

He will never see sense. He is an abuser.
You need to get help in real life to get out of this relationship with your baby.

He is going to follow this thread now so you need to go real life for help.

Cause he's ordering you about like a teenager who hasn't cleaned her room.

Yes. I am on maternity leave and I have a home cooked meal ready for my partner almost every night and make his lunch for work every day as he works 12hr shifts as a paramedic and sometimes with no break so I like to make sure he has a good lunch available. However, I have a very easy and content baby who lets me do these things and this is my second baby. Also I love to cook and it’s my no.1 hobby.
On the other hand I had a rough first couple of weeks postpartum mentally. I never lifted a finger. Except from feeding the baby (breastfeeding) for a good few weeks I done absolutely nothing round the house, no cooking or cleaning, no nursery runs etc for my oldest and pretty much nothing else with my baby. He done every nappy change, pram walk to sleep etc. He picked up every single thing and thankfully about week 4 I bounced back mentally but if I didn’t I have absolutely no doubt he would pick up every single thing until I did. He is my rock and my biggest supporter in the world and I cannot emphasise enough (to anyone reading this who doesn’t already!) that is so bloody important to pick a good man to have kids with.

Came to add like everyone else
Go to your groups
Your partner's mum's a massive turd
Tell your husband to fuck off and do the housework if he care so much.
It's not often a pet makes me rage but this made me furious

Also, OP, part of the pattern is that he’ll try and get you pregnant again soon. It makes you more dependent, and that’s what he wants. Please make sure you’re on birth control.

And consider reposting with a different name. You need advice and support that he can’t see.

I know this will not be popular and I'm not trying to be inflammatory. This is just my personal experience that I'm sharing. I didn't do any baby classes on maternity leave, instead I chose to stay home and do all the housework and have a tasty meal ready when my husband got home. I thoroughly enjoyed it and it was a lovely time for all 3 of us. I would say it benefited both mine and my husband's mental health as it kept stress levels manageable in our home. My husband's work life took off when he didn't have any pressure at home which benefited us financially. As I said, this is just my experience and it worked well for us.

Go to your groups, your mental health is priceless.
I’d be telling him to go to his DM for dinner every night, in fact he can take his suitcase!
It might be over twenty years ago but my baby, if she could see me she wanted to be in my arms! Maybe get a wrap, for holding as will be better for your back.
My DP’s use to come over and bring me a meal and send me to bed and put a wash on and hoover etc. They use to take it turns to hold the baby. They chopped the veggies etc for dinner.

Read the room.

If he is following this thread I hope he knows I think he is a total bellend.

That's lovely for you.

Have you read the entire thread where its been noted that the OPs partner is completely abusive and lots of people advusing her to get out and get help?

He’s worried you’re slipping out of his control by meeting other people. This post is already giving you a sense of how things might look to outsiders. What is he like financially—does he keep track of how much you spend?

If you stay home instead of going to a group then you might not necessarily get housework done at home anyway, plus being home often creates more mess! Your groups sound great - lovely that you've got them as a lifeline. It's good for baby too to be out and about getting used to other people.
I really hope you don't feel you have to give up the groups. DH sounds like he just doesn't get it, and he's being very controlling looking for dust etc. I hope you can stay strong and keep telling him how much the groups have saved you - if you feel you have to offer up something to placate him then maybe you can both work on a plan of how to manage the house between you, ie a reasonable and fair 'rota'. xx

Are you the MIL?

He's an abusive fucker and you need to get out. This isn't going to get any better. Look up corrosive control and see if you recognise it for what it is.

"Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour used by one person to dominate, control, and isolate their partner. It’s not always physical—it’s often subtle, ongoing, and designed to make the other person feel dependent, scared, or unable to leave."

How many of these would you tick?

• Telling you what you can wear, eat, or how to behave
• Monitoring where you go or who you see
• Needing “permission” for normal activities
• Setting strict rules that only apply to you
• discouraging or stopping you from seeing friends/family
• Creating conflict so you drift away from support networks
• Making you feel guilty for spending time with others
• Checking your phone, messages, or social media
• tracking your kocation or demanding constant updates
• turning up unexpectedly to “check” on you
• controlling access to money or bank accounts
• giving “allowances” or making you justify spending
• gaslighting (making them doubt their memory or sanity)
• Blaming you for everything that goes wrong
• saying things like “no one else would want you”
• Switching between kindness and cruelty (keeps them hooked)
• Destroying belongings
• Angry outbursts that makes you feel you must “walk on eggshells”

-criticising your abilities or decisions constantly

• Making you feel incapable of coping alone

-Taking over important decisions (finances, parenting, housing)

• Using children to pass messages or apply pressure
• Threatening to take children away

-undermining your parenting

• pressuring or guilt-tripping into sex
• ignoring boundaries or consent
• you seem less confident, more anxious, or “not yourself"
• you're second-guessing everything

Please speak to you health visitor, doctor or call women's aid

I'm a man and I think he's a twat. So's his mum. What a complete pair of twats.

Do you think this is helpful to an OP who clearly has a partner who is at best a horrible bully and at worse (and more likely) abusive, as he’s not even allowing her to see the health visitor alone despite the HV requesting it? Presumably your husband wasn’t so nasty?

WFT! You have a new baby after a difficult birth and your DH thinks he doesn't need to help around the house? And his fing mother agrees🤯 I am staggered!

Go to the baby groups, you'll get to know the mums and your DC will get to know children his age before your DC goes to nursery/school so that will be brill for you and your DC.

The house can't be a complete mess. I'd suggest putting dirty washing straight into the washing machine to save the job or brining it to the washer.

Vacuum just 1 x per week.

If you don't have a dishwasher, wash your pots, but get a slow cooker to reduce what needs to be washed and meal prep.

Fuck them both, they are clearly clueless and frankly exist.

You've already been told to 'read the room', but how about you read the post? You have not addressed how your baby was while you were being supermum and super-doormat all rolled into one. As you 'thoroughly enjoyed it', you presumably did not have a baby who was 'colic ... and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now ...' So yes, your post won't be popular.

Not sure if anyone has posted this already.

Dust if you Must by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

first post almost nails it. I think you need to work with your parter and work out what works for you. I barely left house for first 6 months but I also had daily housekeeper. Raising a baby is hard! Your MIL judgement is not helping here

He said he should have homecooked meal waiting for him

It's maternity leave, not housework leave and certainty not taking a Delorean back to the 1950s to become a domestic slave leave!!

Does the man have a death wish?? If mine had said seriously anything like that to me on maternity leave if I'd be sporting a lovely pair of bollock shaped earrings now.

Been on mumsnet for 10+ years and this has got to be one of the most dickhead posts that I have seen.

I don't see anything that indicates her husband is 'completely abusive'. I see two tired, stressed people navigating early parenthood and I'm sharing my experience of what worked for us.

Ignore them and keep going to your baby groups. Just because there’s two of them doesn’t make them right, they’re stuck in the past. Start how you mean to go on - looking after yourself and baby and not pandering to anyone.

How dare they, honestly.

@Nogimachi what feelings are being dismissed exactly when he is looking for imaginary dust in high up places? Or accepting his meal for one by his mum.. and not questioning why it’s not a meal for two? Or what feelings are these that are being dismissed exactly for man who thinks it’s ok to accept his tea is on the table and offers no help?

ahh that’s right… his feelings of total and utter contempt and entitlement.