To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Just read all your posts. He’s abusive. Speak to your health visitor and work out your options.

There clear coercive control.

dont know how he could be tired when it seems he expects op to do everything.

op has he ever woke up for baby, does he do any care for baby at all

Inspecting the cupboards for dust isn’t abusive? Telling her to make certain foods then criticising her for making those and not making other food, annd criticising whatever she does (or doesn’t do) isn’t abusive? Trying to stop his newly PP OH who has PPD from accessing her support networks isn’t abusive? Not allowing her to see her HV, who has concerns about her, alone isn’t abusive? Either you’re incredibly naive or you’re the MIL who has no doubt been shown the thread by her Prince of a son.

When DD was a baby, I was stressing one day about the fact that I wasn’t getting much housework done; the house was a bit of a mess. DD wanted my attention at all times, but behaved immaculately at all the wee groups.

Having a moan to my husband and he nodded and agreed that the house was a mess. And then told me that it was so good that my work paid for me to have a years housework leave to keep my house clean. He pointed out that maternity leave was for enjoying my new baby. Not housework

MIL should offer to give you a hand instead of berating you. And your DH is a twat.

@Burnedoutmama - Lots of good advice here, OP, but please do NOT show him this thread. It is a very bad idea to show abusive partners the support that abused women can receive on Mumsnet. Keep this thread as a place for you to get advice. You will lose that if you show him the thread.

Nope. He generally cooked dinner when he got back and encouraged me to go out for a walk on my own after all day with a clingy colicky baby. And we did some batch cooking on weekends for the days when he knew would be back later.
Like you, I struggled with my mental health, and he knew I really struggled to get through the day some days.

Oh hell no OP, your OH is the one being unreasonable.

I have a 1 year old and when off on maternity leave I did not get as much done as that and attended no baby groups. My OH told me to do what I could manage and the rest would get sorted when either of us got time to do it. He said my main job was keeping the baby alive although obviously I tried to keep on top of the day to day tidying/cleaning/washing but some days did better than others.

Do you intend to go back to work OP as I suspect he may expect you to work and do all the housework....

She isn't allowed see the Health Visitor alone, despite the health visitor specifically asking to see her without his presence.

He tells her to make meals and then criticises when she does.

He expects her to paint the house with a colicky baby

He doesn't want her going to baby groups anymore where she has made some friends

She has a night out planned and he wants to dictate how she gets there and back, how she spends her money, how much she is allowed drink

He tells his mother of her apparent failures as a partner

I could go on forever...

I’ve commented on this post before but I just had to add: have you seen Bad Sisters? Don’t let your JP turn you into another Grace.

Hi OP! Your husband and his mum are being really unfair, and frankly nasty. Having a colicky baby is very very hard (ive had two) and honestly getting out for your mental health, in the company of other adults will be doing you the world of good. I would never have survived my first mat leave without going out to baby groups, walks and coffees with other mums. It is so hard and it is a 24/7 job! Did you do all the housework when you were both working?! Why would all the housework now land on you?! He sounds sexist and his mum sounds awful. YANBU. X

Your partner is an utter arsehole, as is his mother. The baby groups sound essential to your health, and your partner should be doing his fair share of housework, not inspecting what you've done. Who the fuck does he think he is?

You need an eye test.

What is your financial position ?

are you on maternity leave
are you returning to work

do you have any money of your own / any savings

and does your mum not live in Scotland ? as you say you are Scottish and he and his family are English

My husband would often come in from work and see that the cups from my tea at breakfast are still on the table... notice that the wet clothes were still in the washing machine... realise my hair was a mess and probably that I stank. You know what he'd do... make me s cup of tea and take the baby before making the dinner.

No 2 days are the same post partum!

Your husband is treating you like his maid not his partner and is frankly pretty abusive whilst doing it. His mum is an enabler. It is insane that when you are looking after a newborn all the time who has colic he begrudges you a baby class. I'd be very careful about ever having another baby with this guy and think carefully about your future.

You're on maternity leave to look after, engage with and nurture your baby. Not to look after the house. Yes, throw a load of washing in one day, put it away the next. Go grocery shopping with baby (in a carrier) a different day. That is plenty!

Enjoy baby groups, coffees, long walks with baby, and lots of sofa time with baby on/by you!

When partner finishes work, hand baby over for him to engage with, and cook dinner, then have your shower whilst he plays with her a bit more. When you go to bed with baby etc, he can hoover or unload the dishwasher etc

Love your mum

It’s really simple ..your job is the baby, he works once you’ve done the same hours you split all other tasks - he is slacking and whining to Mummy ..who is treating him like a little prince (pathetic stuff).

You are being bullied by DP, stay safe and protect your MH by going to the baby groups

Your baby needs a mum with good mental health - over everything else. Your DH is the problem.

Reading your comments, he sounds controlling. The change in him when you started baby groups is odd, did you get out with friends much before baby? Has a baby been what he think will trap you? Checking for dust on high surfaces, expecting a cooked meal waiting for him, complaining about you baking for him all attempts at put downs. From what you've said, you're doing enough, having the routine of baby groups will give you routine and stimulation, making it easier to manage keeping on top of things at home. Health Visitor wanting to see you alone and him then not liking her after that suggestion, does she suspect abuse and he doesn't like that she may be on to him? Is your mum rude to others or does she just see him for who he really is? Older women can usually spot an abusive man much quicker than a younger woman does. I

Does his DM take him to baby groups now as she obviously missed out when he had nappies on?

When you stop laughing take yourself off to baby groups every weekday morning as well.

Sorry but they can all sod off. My DH works 2.5 jobs from home (I won't be more specific but he's incredibly busy) and has cooked dinner basically every night since our 13 month old was born, and done most of the housework. I've been on baby duty nearly all the time.

Since our baby has got older, yes I've been doing what I can - trying to make a main thing for dinner in the daytime, or that can go in our freezer stash, doing the dishwasher, floor, odd bit of laundry. But we also had a very clingy baby that wanted to be held all the time and woke repeatedly through the night, got a bit better recently, then worse again. It's just how we've split things and my DH always says he's happy with the arrangement.

None of his mum's business and so inappropriate for her to butt in like that. What is your DH doing to help take the load off you? Is he taking the baby to give you breaks? Does he get downtime?

Edit: OP just read some of your replies, what a horrible man and MIL. He sounds really controlling and there is absolutely no need for you to be missing baby groups if you're accomplishing all of that and able to socialise. Please don't give them up. What other support have you got around you and have you spoken to any of your new mum friends about this? I found baby groups a lifeline and I had a lot of support.

Aw no absolutely do not give up your baby groups!! My little one was a terrible sleeper, colicky and I didn't find the first few months easy. My mood was quite low looking back and I had some awful intrusive thoughts. I'm not good at making friends and really pushed out of my comfort zone going to baby groups, but they made a huge difference. I always found my DD was more settled and found parenting out of the house easier. I also met a lovely group of mums who I'm still friends with (our little ones are all over 1 now), they were a great source of advice and support when I needed it. Baby groups were a saviour for me! And why shouldn't you enjoy your mat leave, it's such a precious time and goes so fast. I'm back at work now and I miss those days so much.

You make his lunches??? For work? Far out - he’s a grown up. Can make or buy his own lunches. Your husband a) is being an absolute arse b) like many men has no idea what it’s like looking after a baby. As for MIL - no words!! Keep going to your groups. Look after yourself. It’s very tough looking after a little baby. Forget the dust and the painting. Bathroom/toilet - if he doesn’t want to do it (why not? Doesn’t sound like he’s doing much except complain) - he can look after baby while you do a quick basic clean and then have a nice baby free shower or bath or 1/2 hour quiet time.