To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Tell your DH I'm very happy thanks, my husband is wonderful, we have a cleaner, he does his share and if I did nothing all day while on maternity leave he wouldn't have cared. And he definitely doesn't get a home cooked meal every night, half of which he cooks.

Your husband is abusing you. Each post has more red flags:

Checking for dust - controlling

Requiring homecooked meals, but the ones you make are not the "right" ones - you are trying to please him but can't - controlling

Discouraging you from going to baby groups - trying to isolate you - controlling

Making it hard to see your mother - trying to isolate you - controlling

Insisting on being present around the HV - wants to control the narrative and limit privacy - controlling

Taking dog for a walk - won't let you decide which jobs you want to do - controlling

You are constantly trying yourself in knots to please him but you are unable to because he won't allow you to. He will always find fault with what you do.

I'm willing to bet that there is some financial control going on too. Please keep going to the groups, everyone needs a support network, particularly those in an abusive relationship.

Your HV and your mother are rightly concerned and ypu need to listen to them. Your mother sounds wise and supportive and knows you really well. Ypur HV is a professional who has been trained to spot all these red flags and will also support you.

Please speak to HV or Women's Aid about how you feel. Your MH problems are almost certainly related at least in part to his behaviour.

And in answer to your question, no my DH did NOT have homecooked meals when I had a baby, nor did he have a particulaly clean house! He also said the more fun/groups/coffees etc I did during the day, the better.

Does his mum come from a collective culture where women hung out together and helped each other with mothering and house work/ family care? It sounds like your MIL has some very old-fashioned ideas for someone living in the very individualist U.K.! How are you supposed to be strong and happy just on your own with nobody around to support you?!

Your DH is very immature. I hope you can keep your place despite all the pressure from him and his mother. Behind the messages here, we are real people who have either been through it and learned from it or we have seen it with our own eyes and how others have coped. I wish you the best.

BTW My daughter’s colic was cured when I stopped all cows‘s milk (I breastfed and stopped eating all cow’s milk products). She got better straight away. La leche league helped me.

Your mother in law is a cow, I'm sorry. She went out of her way to cook for her son and didn't send anything for you? Is there a way you can return to your mum's (with your mum ) and spend some time there / time away from your man and his mother? I think the time and space will do you and your wee bairn some good.

Do not show him things like this... you need to ensure your safety.

You need to speak to someone in real life and make a plan.

Oh also- I tried my best with the house but there’s only so much you can do with a baby. We all ate healthily and were clean but it was nothing fancy! My DH definitely never got homemade delicacies every dinner time!

This x100

This 100 times!

Send your mum this thread lovely. Give her the information she needs to protect you. Then don't respond further on this thread.

Im confused some people said to show him thread

Your Husband is a massive Manbaby! Good luck OP, you really are going to need it with him. The amount of Posts about pathetic excuses for Husbands/Partners, is eye opening.

If you were my Daughter, I’d be hoping you’d leave the Dickhead.

how old are you ?

and is he older than you ?

Yes actually how did u know

OP imagine this baby of yours (the 4 month old one, not the abusive manchild) is grown up. Now imagine that their partner is treating you the way this cocklodging dickhead is treating you. What would you say?

Now wake up and do something before your child grows up thinking this is ok. He is abusive.

Nah, see your health visitor on your own. If the man is hovering over you, you can't be free to talk about what's going on. It's dodgy that he can speak with his mum, get fed by his mum, but refuses to give you support e.g. someone to come in and clean at least twice a week/ and isolating you from your mum's groups.

Did you work before you fell pregnant, OP?

He keeps going up to high places and checking if there is dust.

Wtf have I read.

Go to the groups and keep meeting the new parent friends you have made. It's so important in those first few months to keep sane and meet others with similar age babies.

Going to work is much easier than looking after a baby!

Your DH and you should both be batch cooking and cleaning at the weekends when you can.

Maybe your mil could make some meals and clean and make herself useful rather than being critical.

You cant really get a lot done at home with a baby, especially not painting! Its unfortunate that his mother is agreeing with him. I would be absolutely livid if my dh was involving mil in our issues. Even more if my mil had a word with me about it! Tell her its your home and you'll keep it as you like. He sounds awful. I think most of my male friends are pretty realistic about what can be done with a baby even if they weren't the one to stay at home. As for checking for dust in high places....it sounds pretty demeaning and controlling. Clearly his views mirror his parents. What's the plan after mat leave?

I could spot it a mile away the age difference

how old are you
and how old is he

how far away does your mum live

I know at least one person said to show the HV the thread to explain your situation.
But I’m afraid it’s not great to show him himself, as that means you can’t use this as a private source of advice. However it’s done now, and the most important thing you can do is, as others have suggested, to seek help in real life.

This is not a sustainable way for anyone to live OP. You have a tiny, colicky baby, you're feeling fragile and he and Mil are putting you under ridiculous, horrible pressure. Nothing will ever be good enough for them. It is not you.

Talk to your HV if you can get to a drop in session. And when you're mum visits, maybe go back with her if you can.

WTAF, you sound so young.
Your MIL sounds like she has put him on a pedestal and he has turned into a vile human being.
Go to groups, do what you can at home, look after baby and enjoy maternity leave. Go back to work and leave him!

I think some of us are worried he isn’t just a prick, he’s abusive - because he’s controlling to the point he has stopped you seeing the health visitor alone and wants to isolate you from your baby groups, as well as things like the checking for dust to chastise you like he’s your master.

And people just want you to be a bit careful about how much ammunition you give to someone who is isolating and controlling you and making you feel shit.

You’re doing really bloody well, he’s a misogynist bully.

And his mum is talking rubbish, baby groups were pretty common in the UK in 80s and pretty much universal around the UK in the 90s so unless your other half was born in the 70s, she’s lying to try to make you feel shit.

But you ignored every single person telling you here is abusive...

Tell him to stick a feather duster up his arse.

I didnt realise it was abusive until I started writing out each thing. I always thought each incident was a one off but it isnt. It is a pattern. I thought showing him would make him see sense.