To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Your job at the moment is your child. Many men think if their partner is on maternity, they are also a house keeper,cook and laundress. You aren’t.

Draw up a rota for jobs. You do some, he does some. Unless you’ve had full control of a baby, you don’t know how hard it is. It’s draining. Sometimes you can catch up on some stuff but some days you won’t.

You’ve be told going to these groups is a good idea by a professional. If your partner is unhappy, he can debate with the health worker. Baby groups are a small price to pay compared to a full on breakdown.

To add, lots of people separate in the first year. Is it any wonder why?

Your mum.❤🎂💐⭐😁

Your partner isn't being very sympathetic. You're the only one at home with the baby (crying and fussy) for most of the day. Then on top of that, your partner and his mother are insisting that you aren't feeling how you're feeling.

I hope you don't plan to have anymore children OP. with this man, OP. Get a contraceptive sorted. Stat (and don't tell him either - do it when your mum is here and you have support). Because if he's like that with one, I'd hate to see him if you had more!

Get that contraceptive sorted, and keep seeking out support. If you aren't happy, your wean won't be either. ❤

I think the mother in law is either not the truth, or misremembering because I went to many baby groups in the 80s it's where I met some great friends that I still see now neither my husband nor my friends' husband's checked for dust or expected us to cook them a home cooked meal every night. In most cases the babies were handed straight over to their Dad's as soon as they came in from work!
Ops husband's attitude wasn't the norm even 40 years ago!

KEEP GOING TO YOUR GROUPS OP.

Go to your baby groups, so important 💕

What a dick. He’s checking in high places?? WTF

he can wash toilets himself if he can’t afford to pay for a cleaner

Going on a dust hunt? No wonder your mental health has taken a hammering. Support from your partner can have a massive impact on post partum mental health. It's not enough for him to give you a cuddle. He needs to be supportive, helpful and stop being so judgemental and demanding.

I have had 2 babies - one my mental health was great, the second time not so great and baby groups definitely did help. Thankfully my DH understood that sometimes the dishes can wait and if he was that bothered he would do them himself!

A baby with colic must make everything so much harder. Thankfully my two were fine although this one is much needier so I found a carrier a life saver when he was small. I know family members that found them good with reflux so maybe would help for colic?

I also found counselling useful but a lot of work, especially to maintain it. Keep going - you are trying your best ❤️

MIL needs to butt out and mind her own business! DH needs to put you first, not his mother. If my DH/MIL did this I would go on strike. Cook, wash etc. only for myself and kids. I did it once and have never had to again 😅

Edit to add keep going to the baby groups. The last thing you want to do is let him have you isolated.

Don’t give up groups, most people with a four month old are in a muddle, get DH to take baby for a day on weekend, u can then get on, let him see how tough it is
as for mil, either offer to help or sod off

He can't keep on top of the housework while you are unwell?.
What's wrong with him or does he work extremely long hours.
Surely with a house with only 3 people? should get sorted in a few hours after he finishes work.
Go to your baby classes.
Maybe those classes weren't going when your MIL had her kids but she would have benefited from something like that.
Upset that her sons wife doesn't clean the house, she needs to get a life for herself.
Lots of men have to do housework after work

He can't keep on top of the housework while you are unwell?.
What's wrong with him or does he work extremely long hours.
Surely with a house with only 3 people? should get sorted in a few hours after he finishes work.
Go to your baby classes.
Maybe those classes weren't going when your MIL had her kids but she would have benefited from something like that.
Upset that her sons wife doesn't clean the house, she needs to get a life for herself.
Lots of men have to do housework after work

He sounds awful.

Your HV is trying to help you, your Mum has got the measure of him. He’s an abusive controlling Twat, his Mother sounds awful too.

Keep going to your groups, do not let them grind you down. Speak to your HV, on your own.

It sounds like your husband has fundamentally misunderstood maternity leave. You aren’t working because you are recovering and caring for baby…. You’re not suddenly a housewife. He’s not suddenly thebreadwinner because you’re still making income. He’s not the boss who gets to check your work.

Id have hit the fucking roof if DH tried this with me.

Absolutely not. I had a baby like yours, my partner would come home from work to find me curled up on the sofa with baby on my chest, binge watching telly, house chaos. Then he cooked our dinner. And he worked a physical job.

I say this to show that your partner is being an absolute dick. He's actively looking for dust?!? What a control freak!

Absolutely do not stop going to your groups as often as you want. Don't feel like you are ever failing. You are keeping a small helpless human alive. That's a full time job. All the dust and fancy home cooked meals can wait. Please please don't take husband or MiL comments to heart.

Your husband sounds like the biggest mummy's boy weirdo, and your MIL obviously likes it that way. Absolute freaks.

Everything they have said to you is wrong, I suspect the reason he doesnt want you going to groups is because hes worried you will open up to other women about him and his weirdo mother, and realise what they are.

You really need to leave this situation, honestly none of it is normal. I would start by properly explaining everything to your mother when she visits.

He goes checking for dust?

Honestly unless your house is so dirty it’s making you ill, I’d got to the groups. Maybe you could get a cleaner. Does he take the baby at the weekend?

I told him I am going to baby groups still. I showed him this thread and he said he is disappointed with me that instead of talking to him I told strangers. He also said mumsnet is a place where women are unhappy and of course they will agree with me. I told him I want some space tonight.

For our second child mat leave I had a cleaner ha ha. I loved baby sleeping on me in the day for cuddles (and boxsets). And loved getting out to see family and do playgroups

Be a bit careful, @Burnedoutmama . Men like him don’t like being told the truth.
Please keep up your contacts outside the home, and see your health visitor regularly. You are not his housekeeper and Nanny, and he has no right to behave as though you are.

This is the most enraging thread I’ve ever read. Your mum is looking out for you and sounds like she has the measure of him and his mother. They sound like a right pair of controlling cunts. My first ever LTB.

Wow! Perhaps he should take the reins and show you how it’s done, pretty sure he wouldn’t be doing all the housework, cooking meals from scratch, walking the dog and looking after the baby all in a days work.
My DS is older than yours and I absolutely prioritise days out, and things even now. I’m sure he can fend for himself on the odd occasion.
I suffered badly after my son was born and there is no way on this planet my husband would have seen my mental health take a turn for the better and then demand I drop it so I can clean the house and cook him dinner.
You need to tell him to lower his standards, I saw your post about your daily activities and I my opinion that’s a pretty standard day which you have done the best of both. I don’t know what his problem is tbh? Providing your house is clean and safe for the baby I think he’s being an arse and so is your MIL. I have a few friends whose partners think that maternity is a holiday and are in fact jealous….could it be this?

Dont from your classes you are doing enough. I’m glad they are making you feel better. Xx

Gaslighted you again. His fragile ego is hurt so he has to tell you we are all bitter women.
In fact it is him that is bitter and lacking. Shocking that he thinks his treatment of you is ok.
My dh encouraged me to get out during both my mat leaves, he understood it was important for me and the kids.
I'd be careful as he is doubling down on controlling you

Your partner is a control freak bully and verging on the abusive!
No wonder your Mother dislikes him so much. She can see the horrible life her daughter is having.
He doesn’t want you going out, meeting new people and actually having a nice time. He wants you chained to the kitchen sink where he thinks you belong.
If you were my daughter I would scoop you and your child up and take you to my home away from that nasty git…and his mother.

I think your mum hit the nail on the head describing him as a manbaby! It sounds to me as if he is almost jealous that the baby takes up so much of your time and he’s just nitpicking by blaming things like housework and home cooked meals.

As for your MIL she created this manbaby so I’d be showing her the door immediately.

5 baby groups a week so sound like a lot but also it sounds like they are your lifeline at the minute and you are getting the support there that you are lacking at home. Realistically it’s only a couple of hours out of your day so if it helps you I would be reluctant to give these up.

Good luck OP. A clingy baby is tough but things will get easier