To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

agreed! And while you’re at it tell MIL that it takes a village so more than happy for to come over and have a clean up, do some ironing and bring some prepared meals to your family. CF she is!

Haven't RTFT, but you're on maternity leave, not housework leave.

Husband has 50% responsibility for housework. I've seen you do loads, so what's left he can crack on with. He'd have to do housework as a single carefree batchelor, regardless of a job.

If you go back to work, he will need to do 50% anyway.

Even if you don't return, for the foreseeable the starting point is 50/50. Your priority would be childcare as a SAHP of a baby/toddler. Not bathrolms and vacuuming.

Also evenings/weekends/not shift times childcare is 50/50. You have as much righjt to time off as he does for hobbies/friends/childfree time.

He's a clueless and a dick.

His mum needs putting in her place immeciately.

Do not give up your groups.

Yes you’re right, THREE women need to be doing all the doing so this man can have his dinner cooked every night and no dust high up when he checks on OP’s work as if he’s her master.

Catch yourself on, her husband sounds like an absolute arsehole. He’s even stopped her from seeing the health visitor alone. What kind of man does that?

And now he wants to stop her from going to her only source of emotional support, the baby groups.

OP this isn’t a you problem. He’s horrible. So is his mum.

Your Mum has got the measure of your DP

Your HV has the measure of him

HV has prescribed you treatment for your mental health, ie the daily baby groups, so you follow her advice.

Make an appointment to see her - she's on your side.

I had a baby with colic and it was awful - poor little thing screamed from about 4pm to 11pm each night for about 4 weeks. If my DP had dared to look for dust, well I'd still be in prison probably. Anyone who looks for dust in your house and doesn't sort it out with a duster, is a bully and no mistake.

At best your DP doesn't understand what you are going through. However I'm not convinced it's an understanding issue - as others have said there's an abusive behaviour angle here, that's the HV has picked up on. Speak to her - get her support. As for your Mum - yes she knows what's going on but needs to focus on supporting you, not point scoring off him. Ask her to tone it down - it's not helping, but ask her when she comes to cook some meals for you to put in the freezer, things like that

It's still time when you are looking after your child. Just because you enjoy it doesn't make it time off. My DH does lots of lunches/ dinners for his work which he enjoys but he wouldn't call them leisure time.

OMG your DP is imagining an idealised version of life rather than seeing what is in front of him! And his MIL is reinforcing this cloud cuckoo land. They would clearly like to go back to the 1960s.
Being at home with young baby all day is isolating, then with the pressure of having to keep the home sparkling and home cooked dinners all the time - that would deplete anyone's MH surely?
Baby classes is the norm these days. It's also really good for the babies, for their socialisation. Those other baby mums they are your tribe. Useful for so many reasons.
Maybe your DH would like to pay for a cleaner, or possibly do the cleaning himself???

Did you work full time before having children Op? If you did presumably you both still managed to eat meals and have the house reasonable even though you'd both been working all day, but suddenly because you're on maternity leave, someone who has been working can't possibly be expected to do any of those things? How does that make sense? Was he starving to death before he bet you?

If you did work before, presumably you took maternity leave to spend time with your baby, which you are doing. If you'd wanted to take time off to spend it cleaning your house or cooking, you could have done that without having a baby!

I can't believe he checks for dust on high surfaces! The cheek. Does he think you are a cleaner and he is your manager?

Ok so 5 baby groups is a lot, but sounds like only a couple of hours of the day and you are getting loads more done than I did on maternity even though I didn't go to many groups. You're probably helping your baby be more social too in the long run. Tell him you are getting more done in the house than you would be if your were hospitalised with bad PND, but if it's not up to his high standards he can run home to mummy and her superior mothering (or would that be interrupting her precious retirement...)

I strongly suspect OP’s mental health would improve considerably without him

You DH and MIL are both absolute arseholes. If he lived alone he would have to do everything himself. Maternity leave is to recover from birth and look after your baby. Your MIL should be offering help not criticising.

Did you know he was going to be your employer when you moved in together?

He can get lost. Or he can pick up a duster and paintbrush

(Oh, and I'm in my 70s and baby groups have been a thing since before my time)

He should be cooking for you both. Babycare is 24/7 52 weeks a year. He only works scheduled hours and has leisure (cleaning/cooking) time.

When will you actually have time for just yourself?

He and his mother can fuck off!

OP, maternity leave is very hard especially with an unsettled baby. My first had silent reflux and it almost broke me. Baby groups and making friends was a life line. I had to get out of the house every day for an hour or two to keep my sanity. The days are so long. I did a little bit of housework here or there but my husband and I caught up on stuff at the weekend (together). I am a rubbish cook. He generally makes the dinners. I made some meals now and again during maternity but his mum had us round once or twice a week and he cooked and we would also get takeaway. When my daughter was 4 months I was still in the depths of despair. It slowly got easier as the reflux got under control and I had friends as support. My partner was very supportive and understood how hard it was being at home. To be honest I was much better when I got back to work and I couldn't fixate on things. He and his mum are definitely being v unreasonable.

You’re not failing - you’re doing great - it’s your husband and his Mum failing you.

This is like seeing my first marriage written out - albeit the 80s though nothing like my parents’ way of living so quite a shock.

Don’t let them persuade you that it’s you and feel guilty you’re not some (messed up) version of a stepford wife.

My own marriage just got worse until I ended up in a refuge - mil still blaming the wife - not personal same with her other son.

It’s both your baby, both your home, if you’re not a team then don’t be his slave/ I can tell you now that you will never, ever do enough for him in their eyes, or not as well as she did, or you’ll do it wrong, even if you did become a Stepford wife.

The HV sees this / you could speak to her for advice, referrals or help.

Every single hour this continues is to your detriment and will take you longer to know afterwards what normal is.

Take care of you and baby - let your Mum help you too.

Your DH sounds like a complete arsehole tbh!!! You have just spent 9 months growing a human and recovering from birth and mental health struggles and he has all these expectations on you?! You’re only 4 months postpartum!!

And let me say you have the patience of a saint to even listen to his mother’s opinion as well! I’d be telling her where to go tbh! He’s a grown man why does he need her to pick his battles.

I went to loads of baby meet ups when I was on mat leave recently, it’s SO needed and makes the week feel so much better. Made some cracking mum friends too who I wouldn’t be without now. Obvs times have changed since your mother in laws day!! I mean how dare she even comment to be honest! If she cares so much, let him go and get a home cooked dinner with her every night as it sounds like she wants to baby him!

I have rage reading this OP, you are not being unreasonable.

My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work.

What does Mr Big Nob do exactly? He’s home for dinner, and appears to have all of his limbs and a brain, so why can’t he share the load?

My DH worked away 5.5 days a week when DD was a baby and did more housework than your partner. Your “job” is to look after the baby while he is at work. You’re also recovering from GROWING AND BIRTHING AN ACTUAL HUMAN.

And it seems he comes from a family of arseholes.

Make plans to leave. He’s never going to change.

This is genuinely one of the saddest threads I’ve read on here.

OP has no idea just how abused she is being, she’s under the control of an abuser and his mother, and her mother saw it all along.

OP - I really don’t like most health visitors but a few are great - it sounds like yours is a good one and has the measure of him.

Gather your strength. You will realise you need to leave and when you are ready you will need support.

I cannot imagine my DH coming home from work while I've been looking after a baby and looking for dust with a straight face. I dont think he has ever mentioned dust. Or expected me to do any painting. Actually he wouldnt want me to paint with the baby in the room. We always separate and one of us keeps the kids out because of the fumes.

DH also does most of the cooking. Today I was "having leisure time" aka taking my kids to a stately home with my mum. He finished work before I got home so he had dinner ready for us. He thinks its really important to cook me healthy nutritious meals for my physical and mental health.

He would never suggest I give up something important to me and my mental health that also benefits our baby for his sole benefit.

Your health visitor wanted to talk to you alone because she saw the abuse.

Your mum hates him because he is abusing her little girl.

You're MILs a bitch that raised an abusive man, if you dont want your child to end up like him then you can discount her opinions.

FYI I had a colicky baby. I used to send nearly all day on the sofa with him attached to me.

DH would get home, make dinner for us, bathe the baby and feed him, do laundry and do night time wakeups too. He was entirely unremarkable among my friendship group.

Your partner is awful.

Next time he runs his fingers along high places and checks for dust offer him a duster of his very own so he can do it properly!

Cheeky bugger, do you go round after him checking his work?

Oh and maternity leave is to heal from growing and birthing and to look after that baby.

It is not time off to do housework, decorating or looking after a full grown man baby.

Indeed. Contrary to this man’s opinion, you don’t need a vagina to use a duster or clean a toilet.

Um, no. My husband comes home from his 9-5 and cooks for me more often than the other way around.

OP, you need to get away from this sexist man child.

Dont paint with a young baby. The fumes can damage and kill a small child.
Looking for dust in high places tells me your partner is a controlling nutter.
Listen to your health visitor.
I knew someone once who had a baby with a neat freak. Wanted all the tins lined up forward facing, all the tea towels folded a certain way.
He broke her arm in anger because it wasnt how he wanted it to be.
Finally he broke her jaw and she left with the baby.
His home became a silent neat freak shrine .
He told me she' d gone to stay with her mother.
I hoped that was true!

Babies are little for such a short amount of time, you go to your baby groups the mess will still be there when you get home! It’s only mess at the end of the day, nobodies getting hurt, you’ll have plenty of time to tidy when you dc is older! enjoy the time you have with you child now and ignore your DH and MIL if they are that bothered they can sort it!