To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

It's shame your husband couldn't marry his mummy like they both obviously wanted. Your mum is laughing at him to stop herself getting angry and putting him under the patio (where he probably belongs IMHO).
Please keep going to your baby groups. Please see your health visitor on your own. Your husband is trying to reduce your world and focus down to just him. This is not normal or kind. You have just made and birthed a whole human being and you are now supporting the baby's development and your own recovery which at this point is a full time job on its own.
Your husband is being abusive- nothing you do is good enough, if you do what he asks he wants something else more, he contributes very little himself and he resents not being the focus of your attention. Your mum can see this but is doing her best to not be too judgmental (If you think she is critical surely you can see that everyone on here thinks she is both right, and holding back her real thoughts.)
His mother is ghastly- making dinners for just him when you are a family and frankly you have the harder job. Men make a big deal of how hard working full time is but all the men I know appreciated having 8 child free hours a day and so made an effort to contribute equally when they got home.
You sound like you are keeping on top of things very well - the house is clean enough, the baby is being cared for and you are looking after yourself. Your husband should be your partner in achieving all this, not being another person to look after- he is after all a grown man, hard as it is to believe.

I was simply saying that you can understand the husband’s point of view. I wasn’t saying he is right, but I also disagree with the posters that entirely dismiss his feelings. There’s going to be a balance that the OP and he can find here.

What happens at the weekends OP?
He can do a big clean and batch cook dinners for both of you perhaps while you hold baby, or vice versa?

DO NOT give up your baby groups. A happy healthy mum is what your baby needs, you have found what works for you and you've found supportive friends with babies the same age -absolutely invaluable. Hold on tight to them.

Your mother isn't stupid ! she saw through him the very first time she met him !!!
he is very rude to her, suggesting he would throw her out

Who owns the property you live in ?
is it rented or bought.

Listen to your mother, she is on your side.
How soon is she arriving ?

Neither of your mothers is really helping, are they? Maybe your mother could swallow the righteous indignation she enjoys directing at the father of your child and just muck in.

And I’m simply saying that misogynistic responses to the OP are unhelpful and irrelevant. So unless your stay at home husband has given birth and is caring for a newborn, his ability to cook your dinner is irrelevant.

So this man can have three women at his beck and call?

"He keeps going up to high places and checking if there is dust."

There is no reason why he would do that except to bully you and try and make you feel bad. No conceivable excuse. Although you've provided plenty of other evidence that he's not a nice person, this little detail tells us all we need to know. The other thing it shows is that you're actually doing really well in keeping on top of the housework, as he's not easily finding things to criticise and has to search hard for them!

He deserves to be laughed at OP, his attitude and behaviour are childish and unattractive. It's just a shame it's also detrimental to you.
It's not just the labour and the 4 months since either, there is also the pregnancy before it takes a toll, and your identity has changed now you are off work and a mum. It was a bit of a shock for ke to go from being "X, professional person" 5 days a week to "Y's mummy" no need to learn her name and hardly adult conversations. Such a complete sharp gear change all round.

You've done brilliantly putting yourself out there and finding your groove with groups and other mums, that's really not easy at all.

What is your DH doing at the weekends and before/after work? Maternity leave is a full time job - of looking after the baby. Not being household cook and cleaner!
Go to your baby groups, its far nicer for you to be able to chat to other mums than being stuck at home. At that age, my colicky baby either slept at baby groups far better than at home (background noise seemed to help them sleep) or was so interested in everything going on that she forgot to cry. Your mental health also matters far more than a few cobwebs or dusty skirting boards, and DH will survive without a homemade curry. Suggest he batch Cooks some on a weekend for you to heat up in an evening!

It sounds like you've more than got a handle on everything. He's lucky he's getting any meals made for him!

Just to chime in to support - baby groups were my lifeline with a little one. My husband never 'minded' me going but I think he didn't 'get it' when I said I was tired but still wanted to get out the house to groups.

Those mummy friends are still precious pals 9 years on!

It’s like a test you can never win.
It’s way beyond helpful household tips.
Eg You start making him sandwiches every day. He’d then say x’s wife makes own bread. You get up 2 hours earlier and make bread and his sandwiches, he would say his friends wife grinds her own flour it’s a test you can’t win.
If you start dusting the cornices he’d say you left baby in bouncer too long or bleach the bathroom to his mums standards and he’d say you exposed baby to fumes. You can’t win.
Walking on eggshells around him is no way to live.

You're doing nothing wrong. He does not need a home cooked meal . He sounds like an absolute arse and if this is new behaviour I would nip in right in the bud now by telling him you and baby will be out the door if he doesn't start actually pulling his weight. There were some days at 4 months where I literally got nothing done. My MIL if she came round would often offer to hoover or wash up or take the baby out for a walk. My husband would cook most nights anyway. I just can't fathom what these people are expecting of you.

Your "job" right now is to take care the baby and heal - that is what maternity leave is. Not to take care of him. He sounds awful and if you start doing everything now - you will never stop. Trust me I found out the hard way and was still doing all the housework, shopping , cookinng and working full time and taking care of two kids. Honest conversation about who does what now and if he doesn't agree def no more kids.

Tell your MIL that if she’s concerned she can come and clean for her baby while you take care of yours

Keep going to the baby groups, I wish they existed when I was a young mum. Your MIL needs to understand that thankfully things have progressed since she had kids. What we did do was informally support each other and met up in a church hall and it was an absolute life line.

I am struggling with how old your MiL must be if there weren't baby groups when your DH was born.
Mummy's boy DH is going to have to suck up that he isn't the baby of the family any more and put up with a less than 5* home for a few years.
Sometimes you have to ignore your MiL, specifically when she tells you your business.
Go to the groups. Nothing better will come from you forgoing your mental health.

I think I love your mum but you might have to ask her to behave herself in front of your DH because it isn't helping you if they're arguing.

Honestly, if somebody is having to look up high for dust your house is pretty clean. And your MiL is talking out her arse about "no toddler groups in my day" unless your DH is 60 years old! Before you had a baby who did all the cooking and housework? How is stuff split at weekends?

Sorry but your husband sounds like a complete arsehole. Your baby is only 4 months old!! I can't imagine what it's like to live with someone like that. Checking high up for dust?! Seriously, he sounds insufferable. You should leave the baby with him all day this weekend and see how much housework he gets done. When my babies were born (long time ago now) my mam filled our freezer with portioned out meals to make life easier for us. It was a Godsend. I can't see your mil offering to do that though!
You should show him these responses so he can see that we all think he's a complete prick. His mother isn't far off either. You can tell she's the type who thinks no one is good enough for her darling son.

I’ll be honest @Burnedoutmama, I love the sound of your mum. 😍

' He sometimes goes to his mums for dinner as she says he shouldn't be doing a full day at work and then sorting an oven cooked dinner himself.'

Plenty of women work full time and cook a dinner when they get home. Why can't he?

I found it chilling that he takes/took time off work to be there when the Health Visitor called. That is controlling you and preventing you from being open and honest with her.
it is not you - it’s him and his mother.

i didn’t manage to get done a fraction of what you have but my husband at the time never complained, made his own lunches without a thought and did housework etc at weekends.

So both your mother and the health visitor can see he is a nasty abusive arsehole.

He doesn't want you on your own with a health visitor.

Huge red flag.

This, 100%.

Don't let the bastards grind you down.

This thick idiot...who does he think is going to do all the cooking and cleaning if you back full time?

Because if he cant do it as he works the surely you can't.

You are on Maternity leave, not husband and slave leave.