To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

The reason you have mental health problems is your partner and his mother!!! Your lovely mum has recognised that and wants to help you and sort you out - LISTEN TO HER when she comes to stay and i woudl
Also recommend getting your baby their passport - DONT tell partner!!! - because I suspect she will want you and baby to go back with her for a bit to stay so she can help you.

Your DP is fucking awful, as is your MIL.

I had a colicky baby (CMPA). I literally couldn't put baby down. Here is what my DH did when baby was 4 months old - everything!

He batch made me breakfast on a weekend so when I got up with baby it was made. He batch made me lunch so I would shove it in microwave before settling baby for a contact nap and eat while baby slept in my arms. He made dinner when he got in from work. I did do the food shopping one day a week as baby settled nicely in the sling when out and about. He did over 50% of housework. My job was the baby. I was EBF, I slept with baby, did all the wake ups. If baby would sleep next to me rather than on me in the day I'd nap as well not do housework!

Op I said this on another thread today- people will tell you what you shouldn’t do, and it will generally be stuff that helps you feel like a human being, and then when you fall apart they’ve already moved onto something else and don’t be helping you. It’s hard not to see this as the two of them ganging up on you, him saying you don’t know how easy you have it just makes me so sad, maybe it just came out, maybe all of these things just came out but it’s horrible

Wow I’m so sorry OP your DH is an absolute arse. You are on maternity leave and only 4 months pp. I didn’t go to lots of classes but in no way was I “on top of the housework” I was cuddling our baby, napping when I could, getting out for a gentle walk and trying to recover. DH came home after a long day at work and either took DS so I could clean or did the cleaning (he always asked which I would prefer, generally after being nap trapped all day I wanted to hand the baby off for an hour!!) because he recognised that caring for a newborn is full on as is recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. And also shame on your MIL! If my son in the future ever said my newly postpartum wife isn’t cleaning the loo I will know I have failed to raise a decent man.

Prioritise yourself and baby. He’s an adult and should be able to cope with doing his share of housework and sorting his own meals after work.

This is awful red flag central. Please tell your mum. No matter what you do it won’t be good enough. You and baby deserve so much better.
I’d start to plan for life on your own without him. Do not give up your job even if he says it’s not worth paying childcare.

Keep going to the groups.

Dusting? Nah.

I’m double posting because I am just so fucking cross. How dare these two absolute dickheads ruin this time for you by making you doubt yourself, especially when you’re doing SO MUCH MORE than you actually need to or even should be doing. Aargh fuck me “dust in high places”, what an absolute controlling nasty little prick of a man

LOL I still don’t and my kids are older, sometimes I do, sometimes I’m busy!

at 4 months pp I also did lots of baby groups, but it was a good day if I’d managed to put the wash on and empty the dishwasher. My husband did loads, we have a cleaner and some stuff just has to wait. You sound like you’re doing brilliantly. Baby groups keep you sane, mat friends are so special - enjoy the time and let him do his share. You also have a full time job!! (Caring for a baby)

Your mum has his number and good on her for not letting him get away with it. She sees the manchild for who he is. He wants a slave, a nanny and a cook. Fuck that.
I would go and see the health visitor and talk to her, this is not normal your h does nothing but belittle you and gaslight you. You are in an abusive relationship, not physically abusive but abusive.

Absolutely stick with the baby groups however you need to sit hubs down and explain how beneficial they are to your MH. Then maybe both come up with a plan for the housework, can you afford a cleaner to help?

Did your husband give birth four months ago and is currently looking after a newborn? I’ll make a wild guess and say no. In which case your situation has absolutely nothing to do with the OP’s. I will never understand why posters try and shoehorn their own completely irrelevant experiences into threads.

First of all, yuck - whining to his mum like that. Turn off and not very loyal.
Second of all, you do you OP. You've had a hard time of it and if those baby groups help you get through the lovely but very hard times do it. I think your hubby is ridiculous quite frankly and should be supporting you. Also, isn't it usual for the homes of newborns to be a little scruffy? Hello - there's a baby now taking up all the time! It takes a while to get a system going and your hubby should be all hands on deck to help, not whining to his mum.

Sending hugs. Hope baby calms soon and you have a easier time of it.

@Burnedoutmama please do not distance yourself from your mother. She clearly knows exactly what your partner is like and is not prepared to let him get away with it. Make sure her visit to you happens, let her see the stress you are under and how you’re being treated. Let it be uncomfortable. Let there be tension. It’s needed.

I know, it's so bloody annoying. This is not about the dusting; he's an abusive partner. If it wasn't the housework it would be digs about her weight after the baby, seeing friends he doesn't like, sex frequency or something else.

It's also not relevant when people say someone on mat leave is "at home". So is my DH who WFH. I work in an office. Should I be expecting dinner and a dusted skirting board? News to me.

OP this is crazy. I really hope you’re taking in previous PPs that what DH (and MiL) is doing is not ok.
Having a 4mth old clingy baby is hard. Yes, you’re on maternity so a bit more of the house stuff should probably fall to you since DH is working full time but a bit more NOT all of it. Maternity leave doesn’t equal you turning into DH’s housemaid/ slave.
screw the housework. As long as your house isn’t a health hazard. Your MH and dc are the absolutely the priorities. If you don’t look after yourself you won’t be able to look after little one. Babies are little for such a short space of time, keep going to your groups if you enjoy them. Time without working and spending time with you dc is precious

This however is not just about the groups. Your DH is an arse. You need to 100% understand that so you know you are not wrong so he can’t keep bringing you down.

I’m glad your mum is coming to stay and I’m glad she sees him for what he is. A few home truths won’t go amiss. DH is happy for mil to take digs at you on a regular basis. It’s about time the same was done to him.

also, you are on maternity. Take advantage. Take yourself and dc off up to stay with your mum/ family for a few days/ week every so often. You’ll not have the opportunity to do so once you’re back at work. Sounds like she’d be delighted to have you both and it’ll give you a break/ breathing space from the constant criticism

You are being treated dreadfully by everyone, absolutely disgusting behaviour towards a new mum. Tell them all to f* off and do your own thing. Personally if I could afford it I would take myself off to a B&B in a nearby town and let them wonder where you are. Not the most mature thing to do but it might shock the lot of them to leave you alone. 💐

Sounds like your mum has the measure of him tbh.

Don't pull away from her or let your DP spoil that relationship.

I think as time goes on you will need her more.

I just don't see this relationship lasting, your DP is using your baby as a weapon of control. Sooner or later you're gonna get sick of him and send him home to his mummy.

Nothing you say or try to explain will get him to treat you like he should. He knows what he is doing. Trying to make you small, uncertain and under his control.

Exactly. The OP has made it clear that her mum has never liked him. I’m betting this is a case of escalating abusive behaviour following pregnancy/birth rather than something brand new.

His mum made him some packed lunches and tells him.dinner should be on the table after work, so he goes round hers for feeding? Yuk.

Stick with the groups. You said yourself it's doing you the world of good.

Reconsider the merits of sticking with your husband and his mum.

Haven't RTFT but I assume your partner is under 50 which means his mother was a new mother in either the 70s, 80s or 90s? She's talking shit about baby groups.

Baby groups were very much a thing as early as the mid 70s when I was born. They didn't look the same as today but playschools, where mothers left toddlers for a couple of hours were held in church halls or other community buildings.

Mothers also had informal arrangements. My mother's friend hosted a batch of kids and mothers nearly every day. She provided much needed support to my mother who suffered from post natal depression. There was always someone you could take baby to and have a coffee and a chat. They're more organised now but it served the same purpose.

I didn't want to go to play school anymore and the staff were concerned about me being socialised as I was an only child. My mother told them about the informal baby groups. They were glad to know there was ongoing options. So even back then, in the dark ages, the important of these social connections were recognised.

I can only assume that your MiL didn't do any of this because she had no friends. Ok, in her day it wasn't the done thing but in everyone else's day around her, it was.

You are seeing your husband’s true colours.

He expects you to be at his beck and call.

Toilets take only a few minutes to clean. The fact he’s looking for dust indicates he is looking for things to complain about.

My partner went crazy after I had a baby. At one stage he gestured to the living room and spoke about what a mess it was. I looked around and asked “what mess?”. I cleaned every single night. I would regularly shampoo the carpet. He was looking for things to complain about. It’s an absolute mess now. I thought, if he complains about how messy it is when it’s clean then I won’t bother at all. So I haven’t.

We had a cleaner for a long time. Why isn’t your husband paying for a cleaner?

My partner is the one who comes home from work and vacuums now. He’s the one who regularly wipes down the kitchen cupboards and cleans the stove.

Your husband is complaining about you to his mother. Your marriage is fractured and that has nothing to do with you.

When I was in hospital the consultant spoke to all of the fathers and told them they need to be the ones putting petrol in the cars and to make sure our cars were always filled up. She also said something about ordering in dinner and not expecting a lot because our job (as mothers) was to look after our babies and the father’s job was to look after the mother.

I gave birth in a private hospital so I imagine my experience may be different to your experience. I also had zero help. I looked after my baby 100% and often alone (my partner worked away) and had zero family support.

We had a cleaner but my partner had that cleaner for many years before he ever met me.

But what the hell is your mother in law doing in all of this? Why isn’t she helping? Perhaps she would have more energy to help you if she wasn’t being so busy judging you.

Well tell him to go and fuck his friend then. Arsewipe that he is.

Your mil is doing worse than laughing at you and you're defending your pathetic dp over your own mother who is the only person who seems to be actually on your side.

Tell us about the nights. How is your baby? Do they sleep through? Do they wake up often / feed all the time?
Does your DH sleep comfortably, undisturbed, during night wakes? I bet he does. So he has a full time job and then he rests, but you can never rest, right?