To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

I actually cannot read all of your posts as they are making me incredibly upset.

You have a 4 month baby and your husband is being absolutely awful to you. Awful.

I’ve now RTFT, his behaviour is controlling; not wanting you to see HV alone, trying to cut short your night out, telling your mum to leave.
He is trying to isolate you and destroy your self esteem, you need to tell your mum and see if she can help you plan to leave.

Except your mum is right. He’s a massive man child who sulks because his din dins isn’t ready or a woman stands up to him showing he is being a bully.

Couldn't disagree more. You should not have to put up with abuse (because that is what this is) because you choose to believe it is coming from "good intentions". Abuse never ever comes from good intentions. It just gets worse and worse.

I've just gone back and reread your posts OP as somehow not all of them were showing for me before?

He sounds horrible. I have absolutely no doubt that you'd feel better without this man and his mother constantly bringing you down. Your mother knows this, you need her help to get out.

Absolutely not. I spent the day looking after the kids and doing a bit of housework where I could which was mostly loading the dish washer and hanging laundry.

When my boyfriend got home he would then either cook and clean or have the kids while I cooked and cleaned.

Whenever I read these threads I know 100% the partner has never looked after the child for an entire day because its ludicrous that they think all housework/cooking/cleaning can be done while looking after a baby.

Are you really telling us that you’re not allowed 2 hours out of 24 hours to do something that you enjoy??? And it’s not every day, just every weekday. Fuck the housework - just do what you can do. It’s much more important for your baby to have a happy, healthy mother than a pristine home. Does your husband do his bit??? I think he was very disloyal to discuss you with his mother. This is a conversation you need to have with him. Your mother-in-law doesn’t get a say. Tell her to mind her own business, stand up for yourself and put some boundaries in place - she’ll have more respect for you. I’m a Grandma and I would NEVER speak to my lovely daughter-in-law, mother of my gorgeous grand children in that way. She’s an old bitch!! A little bit of support from both of them wouldn’t go amiss. Sorry, you husband and mother-in-law have wound me up 🤬

He is Not a partner. A real partner would do more in these difficult days and carry on doing it in the future. You both should be pulling together when starting a family. Each parent does what they are capable of doing without criticism of the inability of the other to do more.

Time to dump him and his mother for good before they ruin your life further.

Oh god OP it’s so so hard with new baby. Do what you need to get you through. You are there to look after the baby not do the housework he should be pulling his weight and his mum needs to mind her own damn business. I’d be reconsidering the relationship entirely because he sounds awful.

Having read all your updates, your DP is an abusive twat.

Trust me, when you have a small baby dust that you have to go looking for in high places is really not a problem. Your partner is being an idiot. Likewise he won't waste away if he doesn't get home cooked meals.

Your MIL is talking bollocks in saying baby groups weren't around in her day. They are definitely a thing when my children were babies In the 80s and 90s, and I rather doubt that she's older than I am.

Tell your partner he is letting everyone down as a father and he needs to get his brain into gear and put you and his child first, and ignore his mother.

As other people Have said. This is the start of controlling and coercive behaviour enabled by his mum. Instead of your mum coming to stay, go and stay with her.

@Burnedoutmama what help does DH give you with the baby? Does he share wakeuos? Don’t get a lie in the weekend? Does he share chores with you when he gets home?

I’m imagining that a man who expects his dinner on the table does fuck all to help with other things.

Your mum is right. I know you don’t like what she’s saying to him, but she probably can’t stand watching her daughter be treated like this.

Wow, that's quite the appropriate username you've got there. What a needlessly vile post.

OP please get some help from women’s aid. You are vulnerable right now and this is abuse. Can you stay with your mum for a bit?

What the hell have I read?! His mums thinks he shouldn't cook dinner after working all day! Bugger me you have a dh and mil problem. Your mil is a total cow and your 'd'h is letting you down!

Please tell me you are on birth control and it is utterly bullet proof?

This is really not normal. He is controlling and abusive and is being aided and abetted by his mother. You have a 4 month old, not a 4 year old.

My husband cooked us dinner every night when my children were that age. Still does to be fair, he's a gem and a good cook. If he was home from work early enough he might do bath time, hand over the baby to me for a feed and go and cook dinner. I can't remember how we managed the cleaning but it was certainly a shared load and I probably did all the laundry as my colicky baby was keen to spew everywhere regularly so feeding the machine was a daily occurrence.

A daily group is not a lot, essentially this is you leaving the house for a walk or activity for 2 hours a day. Naturally with a 4 month old you've had to do this indoors all winter. So keep it up, maternity leave will be over soon enough and if you are sensible you will not be having any more children with this man. Fresh air is good for the baby end of discussion.

I suggest that he takes the baby and the dog out and he can listen to them both howl. You can use the time to "clean" since he's so desperate to have you swilling bleach fumes around with a nearly newborn. I wonder did SuperMIL have her own mother close by helping her that she has conveniently forgotten.

Your mum sounds like her heart is in the right place and she has your back. But her way of going about it is not helpful if she is going to put your partners back up and cause endless rows. He will just continue to try and alienate you from her and since she lives in a different country, she can bugger off home leaving you to deal with the fallout. I would tell her that he is not being kind to you and she is making it worse. You need to work through what is going to happen next and winding him up is going to make things worse so ask her to please stop provoking a row. I'd suggest you visit her for a bit over the summer and get some perspective from a distance.

You should confide in your HV so you have some real life support that will hopefully be constructive.

Longer term, ideally shorter term I think you need to consider your options re this relationship and get advice about leaving your partner. You don't sound as though you feel safe enough to tell him to FF off, his mother would likely support him with a 50:50 style custody relationship poisonous toad that she is. Ideally you'd move far far away from him but life is not that simple.

And enjoy your night out.

Just read what you do on an average day and I think that's loads for such a young baby and I think you are doing amazingly well. Your husband should be way more positive; checking high places for dust and saying you should be making a home cooked meal is nonsense when you have a young baby. You keep going to the groups as long as you and baby are enjoying it. When I look back, these regular get together helped me and the other mums loads, we always say it. We look back and realise how much it helped.

I think five days a week is excessive. But I also think you have a four month old and your partner needs to be doing more.

My house is messier with a child than it was with a tiny baby because tiny babies don’t actually create any extra mess.

I don’t understand what your husband thinks you should be doing that you’re not doing?

@IHate

😮 Wow 😳 😦

He liked seeing that you weren’t coping. He felt needed.

Oh my actual god. I was going to respond like this before even reading all your posts but I’ve got to respond directly to this post because I have an 18 month old toddler not in nursery yet, because waiting lists are insane in our area and we weren’t organised enough when he was born, which leads me to my main point that the day you’ve described is probably more organised and capable than ANY of my days and my toddler is so much easier than a 4-month old! At 4 months pp I was sitting on my arse a LOT of the time. I’d also do what you describe like washing and basic cooking, bare minimum to keep the house running, but PAINTING?!! I might have if the mood took me but it would have been because I fancied it, not because I was obliged. And DH and I ate a fairly unconscionable load of oven meals those first months. I regret nothing lol. What you’re describing is incredibly competent and lovely. I barely made it to any baby groups lol. I suffered with poor MH post partum, including ptsd and ocd, but I got it managed pretty quickly and then just spent time… enjoying myself and trying to be present? Bloody hell, newborn months are insane — sleep is insane, time is insane… MAYBE five groups a week is on the more intensive side, but my god i will die on the hill of you doing that over staying home to please your stupid unsympathetic “partner” and bitch of a mother in law. Sorry for complete thought dump but I am raging!

It seems he is trying to isolate you as part of a pattern of control.
I'm presuming he gets to talk to people at work? Would you think it was reasonable to say to him that he can't. You are still looking after your baby at toddler groups and that is your job at the moment, why shouldn't you talk to people while you are there?
He probably gets lunch hour on his own, do you get any time alone without the baby? He gets to walk the dog as well, that's more headspace time for him.
Has he actually looked after your baby for any length of time? He either doesn't have a clue about how difficult it is or he has no empathy and simply doesn't like you.
I hope he doesn't sabotage your night out

Yes I remember my mum taking my brother to them and that was in 76

I was so angry reading your post I didnt read the part about your h saying he should have a home cooked meal waiting! He can fuck off back to the 1950s the misogynistic twat. Im sorry op you should not have to deal with this. Your h should be supporting you and looking after you. This would be the end for.me. easier to look after your baby without the grown up baby.