Page 11 | To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

Leapintothelightning · 14/04/2026 16:03

Driftingawaynow · 14/04/2026 16:02

Babes. Run away from these cunts!

Nailed it.

Helpboat · 14/04/2026 16:03

Hi sweetie, first of all big hugs x second of all tell your husband to get in the bin including your mother in law. If she wants to relieve pressure for her son then tell her to come and clean your house.

Do the bare minimum for your home, make sure it’s tidy and clean but it doesn’t matter if dishes aren’t washed straight away or if hampers are getting full. He should be doing the house shops and making dinner. He should be doing all house work the moment he steps inside because you’re looking after the baby which isn’t a holiday. As for the baby groups they’re absolutely vital for new mums who suffer from isolation which you are clearly.

Just for the record my DH worked 50 plus ours doing nights and he came home and did all the house work whilst I battled through the nights and day with a colic reflux baby. It’s teamwork there are no strict designated roles. If he doesn’t get that it’s his job to care for you whilst you care for the baby then maybe he needs to revaluate everything.

Maray1967 · 14/04/2026 16:03

Burnedoutmama · 14/04/2026 14:50

Did u all have homecooked meals waiting for ur partners am i doing it wrong

No - my DH came home and cooked. Every day.

Iocanepowder · 14/04/2026 16:05

Controlling and abusive behaviour from your partner. Please speak to a HV in confidence.

Iocanepowder · 14/04/2026 16:05

Or show your HV this thread.

Walig54 · 14/04/2026 16:06

Rarely has there been a meal ready in ours, ever! We are 2 oldies and even when DCs were little this was the case. Your DP had to "look" for dust! Our home stank of aircraft fuel, and later our DS was in a dirty job. Nobody looked for dust, the aroma hit you coming in the door!

lessglittermoremud · 14/04/2026 16:07

Burnedoutmama · 14/04/2026 14:36

Yesterday I woke up before baby so put a wash on and batch made breakfast (for me and partner). Baby woke so I changed and fed. I then popped them in bouncer and hoovered livingroom. I then made soup for us to save making lunch over next few days. I then empty washing and hung out with baby carrier. I then went to my afternoon group and had coffee afterwards. Came home brought washing in. Made partner our dinner. He said I am wasting time with meals and groups when the big things aren't getting done like washing the toilets and finishing the little bit of painting I agreed to do. I said I need to do this when baby is with him. He keeps going up to high places and checking if there is dust. I reminded him its not just for me. Dp is good but he comes home from work and takes dog a walk. He then sorts his own washing out. Sometimes ive eaten earlier and baby still in bottles so hwvr told him to sort his own dinner. We always buy quick things we can shove in cooker. He said he should have homecooked meal waiting for him like. He sometimes goes to his mums for dinner as she says he shouldn't be doing a full day at work and then sorting a oven cooked dinner himself.

He’s checking for dust?!
My DH wouldn’t dare….plus he wouldn’t have to go hunting for dust he can quite easily see it (and rectify it) if he wants to.
I went to a different baby group each day with my first, none of my friends had babies and my family were all at work. I met some lovely people and one of them I’m still friends with 12 years later….
His mum shouldn’t be interfering, he shouldn’t be moaning to his Mum and his wife’s welfare and happiness comes before a bit of a dust.
As long as your home is safe and hygienic for your little one I would be telling him to back off.
My DH used to get up with the baby on the morning as I used to do all night feeds so I could have a lie in, he’d put a load of washing on and do breakfast/tidy the kitchen. I would come down, he would go to work then I would whizz the hoover around, put the washing out then head out for a few hours.
If your DH can’t have abit more empathy for you and want to help then it says more about him then anything else.
Don’t have any more children with him, be aware that his rather unpleasant ways don’t escalate into more controlling behaviours. But for me I wouldn’t be looking to stay if his attitude doesn’t change, you’ve just given birth and had a tough time.

pomers · 14/04/2026 16:10

My ex did the checking for dust thing, accusing me of not doing enough. He actually resented me being at home whilst he was working. It’s actually bullying and domestic abuse, it often starts when a woman is pregnant or has just had a baby. In other words when a woman is most vulnerable. He cuddled you previously, it’s not about the housework it’s about control. Please consider leaving this awful man, it won’t get any better

Luckyingame · 14/04/2026 16:11

It seems to me OP's family might be from
a different culture, however, this is clearly domestic abuse and not "failing".
How dare he check for dust and demand fully cooked meals, the bastard.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 16:12

Helpboat · 14/04/2026 16:03

Hi sweetie, first of all big hugs x second of all tell your husband to get in the bin including your mother in law. If she wants to relieve pressure for her son then tell her to come and clean your house.

Do the bare minimum for your home, make sure it’s tidy and clean but it doesn’t matter if dishes aren’t washed straight away or if hampers are getting full. He should be doing the house shops and making dinner. He should be doing all house work the moment he steps inside because you’re looking after the baby which isn’t a holiday. As for the baby groups they’re absolutely vital for new mums who suffer from isolation which you are clearly.

Just for the record my DH worked 50 plus ours doing nights and he came home and did all the house work whilst I battled through the nights and day with a colic reflux baby. It’s teamwork there are no strict designated roles. If he doesn’t get that it’s his job to care for you whilst you care for the baby then maybe he needs to revaluate everything.

It is not her DH.

He is a 'partner'.

user765847363 · 14/04/2026 16:12

Since his mother is so concerned, why doesn't she do some batch cooking for you two?

Don't give up the baby groups. You need them and they're good for the baby. My oldest is nearly 30 and we've moved countries twice and I'm still very close with friends I met in baby group.

HazelMember · 14/04/2026 16:13

Luckyingame · 14/04/2026 16:11

It seems to me OP's family might be from
a different culture, however, this is clearly domestic abuse and not "failing".
How dare he check for dust and demand fully cooked meals, the bastard.

Read the thread

OP said:

They are English and I'm Scottish

FunMustard · 14/04/2026 16:14

Housework can slide, so long as you have clean crockery, clothing and enough food, it's fine. A couple of hours a day away is fine.

And his mother is lying unless he's significantly older than 43, which is how old I am and my mother took me to baby groups.

Your health is of paramount importance here, not him coming home to a clean and tidy home. I cannot stress this enough. You are worthy of support, and if that comes in 2 hours of socialising, then it's worth it.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/04/2026 16:16

He'd have to do the housework if he was living on his own. And I suspect you probably did most of it before you went on maternity leave. They are both utterly vile. Prioritise your mental health as they aren't.

Halfpen · 14/04/2026 16:16

I read all the OP’s posts and want to meet her mum. She sounds absolutely awesome. OP your mum knows what’s up. I’m sorry but you do not have a good partner and he’s treating your poorly. Your mum is a legend though

BudgetBuster · 14/04/2026 16:17

Halfpen · 14/04/2026 16:16

I read all the OP’s posts and want to meet her mum. She sounds absolutely awesome. OP your mum knows what’s up. I’m sorry but you do not have a good partner and he’s treating your poorly. Your mum is a legend though

Hopefully in the 3 weeks her mum is visiting she can help he daughter leave this man

Ilady · 14/04/2026 16:18

The reality is that when a couple have a baby things change and you both have to accept this. The reality is that you have a clingy baby and the mother and baby groups are getting you out of the house, your meeting other woman and are helping your mental health. So what if your home is not as clean as before and the dinners are not good as previously.

You need to leave the baby for a full day with your partner and tell him here is a list of all the jobs you expect to be done at the end of day. Give him a shopping list to do the grocery shop. Tell him you will expect dinner at 7 o'clock that evening when you return. He needs to see what a day is like with his baby and for you to come home and tell him all he did wrong that day.

Tell him he is a father and he needs to grow up and start pulling his weight at home.
Tell him as well that you didn't appreciate him running to his mammy complaining about you, his lack of cooked dinners ect. As for going around and checking for dust words fail me. Make sure you put the dusting on the list of jobs.

His mother could help you out and odd time and bring over a nice home cooked dinner to you all. She you mind the baby a few hours to give you a break instead she sides with him. She should have told him to grow, go home and help you out.

In your situation I would start leaving him with the baby. I would be planning on getting back to work as well. I would not have any more kids with him either because he leave you to carry most of the load long term.

Halfpen · 14/04/2026 16:18

BudgetBuster · 14/04/2026 16:17

Hopefully in the 3 weeks her mum is visiting she can help he daughter leave this man

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I do hope so.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/04/2026 16:19

Burnedoutmama · 14/04/2026 14:50

Did u all have homecooked meals waiting for ur partners am i doing it wrong

No! I might have managed a load of washing. No cleaning. He took the baby when he got in and I would start on household jobs I wanted to do and one of us would cook while the other had the baby. There was no judgement or expectation (control) from him about what I did in the day. I can't believe he checks the dust.

Nogimachi · 14/04/2026 16:19

PullingOutHair123 · 14/04/2026 15:52

She is providing this sack of shit a dinner - but not the right kind of dinner. You know, not a 3 course extravaganza with wine paired to each course. And he is doing fuck all.

Perhaps read all the OP's posts, and try again. This MIL is NOT acting in her best intentions, and neither is he.

No-body should be telling a mum, 4 months post partum, suffering PPD, with a colicky baby, that she should stop doing the things that are keeping her vaguely functioning and instead isolate herself at home cleaning and cooking all day.

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I get where you’re coming from - but it is amazing how much easier it is to handle things if you always assume best intentions (while being wise to the fact that it may not be that...) It’s a great tactic that takes the heat out of every situation, well worth trying.

I don’t like a lot of what I’ve read either, but it’s not unreasonable to hope for a (moderately) clean house and a dinner when you’ve been at work all day and your wife or husband is at home, and 30 mins a day will keep a house clean so should be compatible with baby groups, though possible not with a baby that cries constantly…

tryingtobesogood · 14/04/2026 16:21

Burnedoutmama · 14/04/2026 14:50

Did u all have homecooked meals waiting for ur partners am i doing it wrong

I bloody well didn’t. Ans if he’d sent his mum round to tell me off I would have packed his bags and sent him home to her

tell him to fuck off. He’s no idea how hard it is to have a difficult birth and then have a Velcro baby. The reason you were told to do the groups is because you were at risk of postnatal depression.

he goes up high to loo for dust? What an utter cock. Tell him to fuck right off

im so cross on your behalf

HortiGal · 14/04/2026 16:22

Is this poor soul working 16 hour shifts down the mines?
What does he do other than walk the dog?

IHate · 14/04/2026 16:23

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Nogimachi · 14/04/2026 16:23

SpryTaupeTurtle · 14/04/2026 15:51

Can he not cook his own? My brother is single but he cooked frequently in his last long term relationship and he works full time. Seriously. It's 2026 - why are women being conditioned into believing they have to do the bulk of cooking and housework just because the man works?

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When I’m working full time and my husband is at home between contracts you better believe I am not doing any cleaning or cooking. (Albeit we no longer have very young children, then it really is all hands to the pumps.)
My sister is also the breadwinner while hubs stays at home and she also does no cleaning or cooking.
The person who is at home 9-10 hours a day while the other is at work has time to take care of the house and do the cooking, it is that simple. Nothing to do with whether it’s a man or a woman.

Thuraya17 · 14/04/2026 16:24

Burnedoutmama · 14/04/2026 14:11

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Your MIL sounds insufferable. We don’t care about her day because women have literally been taken advantage of and overworked for years. You and your husband split the tasks 50/50. He’s at work probably around 8 hours a day, you’re at work 24/7 with a 4 month old. You’re husband and in laws sound like huge a holes.

I didn’t cook for 6 months after my baby was born. My husband cooked or ordered us food/meal prep. We got a once a week cleaner and I done whatever I could which was sometimes nothing. Now I’m pregnant and haven’t cooked since 6 weeks because it makes me feel nauseous. My husband has been working and doing all the washing, cooking and looking after our little boy. When I’m home alone with our son I make him a sandwich and snacks and he’s been watching his hour of screen time whilst my husband is out too. Men need to do better. Eugh. Thank god I got a good one, hold your husband to higher standards. My husband was raised with a mother who done everything and a dad who just worked and nothing else, he knew that wasn’t going to run in our relationship and he stepped up.