I didn't miss DH at all whilst he was away

[Poppadop]

My DH has just got back from a 2-week trip. I've been at home with the 2 kids, 7 and 2. Honestly, we've had a great time at home. He got back at the weekend and I just didn't feel excited, more dreading how my new routine would change. He's been sending me messages whilst away saying how much he wants me and wanting to have sex etc, and I just don't. I've never really enjoyed messages like that anyway, not sure why, but it's not a turn on for me.

We've had sex since he's been back, I was hoping it might reignite a spark for me. It didn't.

He gets quite overwhelmed by too much noise and chaos, and as you can imagine with two young kids this happens a lot. Over breakfast this morning both kids were trying to talk to me at the same time and he just had a mini meltdown over it, like a sensory overload. It bothers me so much when this happens, because he doesn't remove himself he just melt down in front of us. Honestly it's not that chaotic, he just likes to control everything and gets stressed when he can't. Then we all have to witness it.

I'm quite relaxed generally but I think I've just become a pushover. Whilst he was away I did things the way I wanted, and there was no stress. No tears. No tantrums. It was so...calm.

We've been together 12 years. We have a house with a massive mortgage. We have an amazing holiday booked next year that is costing a lot. I just don't know how I'd navigate any of that if we split.

It could be that I just need to give it a few weeks, but I can't help but feel like I'm getting the ick. Particularly when he touches me and tries to have sex...that's not good is it?

Anyone ever felt anything similar?

What does a "mini meltdown" look/sound like? I'm struggling to picture it without just imagining someone getting shouty, but that doesn't seem to be what you're describing.

@Confuserr so both kids were talking at me (if anyone should have had a sensory overload it should have been me!), and he also has habit of trying to talk at the same time as the kids, so no one can really get a word in. Whilst that was happening he was also trying to cut a bagel. He didn't cut his bagel evenly, so then he just suddenly dropped the knife and the bagel and put his head in his hands and kinda went "AHHHHHH" really loudly, scrunched up his face and started kinda rocking a little bit. Everything went quiet and I just calmly said "what is the matter..."

There's an atmosphere after that!

The paddling pool comment reminds me of my friend. She had a DH just like this.

He hated anything that made a mess or caused any form of excitement / loud noise. Basically anything that was fun.

He would refuse to help with mealtimes because it ‘stressed him out’ seeing food dropped on the floor / on the table.

Her kids could never had friends round cause they friends would be normal kids and mess things up and he couldn’t cope.

She didn’t care and just wanted her kids to be kids.

They divorced eventually and I think both are far happier now. They were just fundamentally incompatible

It sounds like you’re having to be his parent, so no wonder you don’t want to have sex with him.

He could change his behaviour and be less child like. Given you have had children with him and married him, it’s only fair you tell him how you feel in a way that is constructive to give him a chance to change.

If that is fruitless, then I would start planning how you can leave to take away some of the fear. Once you actually face the difficult practicalities, you will see it isn’t so hard as you might think. Yes, it’s difficult, but it’s not impossible.

“He's been sending me messages whilst away saying how much he wants me and wanting to have sex etc, and I just don't. I've never really enjoyed messages like that anyway, not sure why, but it's not a turn on for me”

I don’t blame you OP, it would turn me off too, in fact I suspect (no proof) it would turn many if not the majority of women off.

I would speak with him about this openly and try to do so without bing accusative and blaming. Explain that his 2 week absence was actually an eye opener on how difficult he has become to live with. How much more enjoyable you found it to be alone and it worries you. Discuss his melt downs and ask him what HE is going to do about HIS issues to stop taking it out on his family. State you realise now what life can be like and you are not willing to pander to it anymore and he needs to maybe get help. Discuss walk away wife syndrome and doesn’t he want to work on things before it gets to that point.

As I said, divorce may well be the right option, it was for me. But the OP should not underestimate the emotional and financial toll it has, either on her or on her children. She will also have to continue to parent with him, even when separated , so having couples counselling now, even if that is a route to separation, can only be a good thing. there is a reason why mediation is now mandated in court proceedings for couples with children.

It boils down to the fact that you and your children would be happier without this man in your everyday life.
I hear you.
My husband is 76 years old, I'm significantly younger, no children, happy not to be asked for sex anymore.
However, after any trip which I take alone, I quite look forward to seeing him and hearing his voice.
You have a massive mortgage and two kids.
Would it work, in practical terms, downsizing and splitting up, with him paying for his children?
(I think it would, after the initial headache).
🍀
Edited, read your update. Please don't worry about "him being alone".

It's irrelevant if he's neurodivergent or not. If OP is unhappy and wishes to split from him, she's entitled to. She can't remain unhappily with a difficult man out of pity or guilt.

Keep in mind that you have full agency on how you choose to live your life. Having a DH who rules the roost due to his unreasonable behaviour is not an acceptable way to live.

So what if he's ND? Why does that have to become the ruling factor in your day-to-day existence? He's not your child. He's meant to be your life partner. If he can't cope with normal family interactions then you're pretty much on a hiding to nothing.

I feel for you OP and many of my friends had this experience when kids were young.
I raised my son alone and had the associated challenges of that, loneliness, financial difficulties, lone parenting etc.
Most of my friends weathered the storms and have settled into content marriages.
The challenges for relationships with young children are enormous.
You talk about not wanting to be alone and I understand that.
Just be aware that new relationships where there are other people's kids are not straightforward.
Just trying to give you some perspective.
Take care OP

Yes, it's entirely possible your husband is ND, but as another poster said that's not an excuse to have meltdowns in front of the children.

Your husband believes he has OCD and you acknowledge he has sensory difficulties. Yet your husband refuses to seek help, and expects everyone else around him to make allowances for him. This is the fundamental issue here. Your husband's refusal to seek professional help or to research himself strategies, that might help him to cope.

As hard as it is, you need a honest conversation with your husband. He seeks professional help and researches strategies that might help him. Simply getting up and walking out the room...as in removing himself from the situation, is a good place to start!!! Having meltdowns in front of his children is not acceptable. He's an adult, and therefore he needs to take responsibility for his reactive behaviour. Expecting everyone else to make allowances for him, is equally not acceptable.

If he won't, then you have two choices: carry on as you are or divorce. There's nothing in between.

I think you've 3 kids.. sorry to say. While he may genuinely be unwell, he cannot fairly expect everyone to bend without him a, getting a diagnosis and b, getting some help.

It's little wonder you're going/gone off him. It's incredibly hard to get that back (I have never been able to, no matter how much I liked the person as a person).

This is purely an attention thing.

He wanted to be the only one talking but because the little children wanted your attention too, he needed to get all eyes on him.

He did this by being loud and frightening everyone into silence.

It worked because he got your sole attention.

If that hadn’t worked he would have escalated by shouting louder or throwing the bagel or plate.

Get out OP. The holiday has shown you how amazing your life can be without him in it. He must cause you all a lot of stress.

The sexting would give me the ick, did he send messages saying he'd missed you and the children or just sexual messages. His meltdowns are surely going to affect your children if you stay together. I can't imagine they're not going to be affected in someway by that.

Yup, the moment I hear a grown adult is claiming to have mental health or nd challenges that mean they cant cope... but are doing fuck all to manage it, thats when I lose all sympathy.

I think a pp is right - you need to have a tough but honest conversation. Explain how his "ocd" and "sensory issuez" are affecting the whole family. Tell him ypu want to support him in managing these challenges, but you can no longer ignore the detrimental affect they have - which was really brought home by your experience while he was away.

Ideally he will acknowledge the problem and seek help. Perhaps you help him to access it even.

There's also, sadly, a good chance he will turn this into you attacking him and making unreasonable demands, even abusing him.

I will hope for the former but you should prepare for the latter.

I was going to say the same thing. It's better for the kids if you can have a sort of friendship, but agree I'm not sure it's going to be possible in this case! .

Maybe I am old fashioned but I think this is a marriage that can be saved. Relationships have ups and downs, there are stressful and less stressful times at home. He is who he is and I assume he puts up with some of your characteristics. Yes, talk to him about stepping away if on the verge of a melt down but also have some compassion. Hopefully he has some for you too? Spend some time just the two of you and see if you can remember why you married him.

Maybe it is beyond all that but surely it’s worth a try. I’m not the one that has to live with him though and if you can’t imagine the next 30 years together then call it a day.

What a strange response. You reckon the DH has compassion for the OP? When has he shown that - when he screamed in the kitchen??

Everyone has their issues and stresses. It's fine to struggle with things, it is not fine to make others suffer as a result. That is my hard line in marriage. Be grumpy, be overwhelmed, be tired. But do not ever make it into a problem that your spouse or child has to deal with or resolve. Resolve it yourself like a bloody adult.

This is not a good atmosphere for you to be living in or your kids to be growing up in.

You could live with a lot less stress, living your life your way, your kids could be kids & not learn to walk on egg shells.

I wouldn't let a planned holiday put you off separating.

the other things can be dealt with one at a time too, you don't have to decide about it all now & be overwhelmed!

You only have one life. Your children only have one childhood. You & they don't have to sacrifice them to keep him happy.

Agree but this wouldn't be MN without at least one poster making this into a problem for the woman in the relationship to solve.

Agree. You never know what is going to happen in life, and sometimes awful things can happen to you/the kids/family, and having a good relationship with the father of your kids can really be the difference between surviving and not (speaking from experience of things I wish I didn't have).
He should maybe arrange some support for himself, and gain some coping strategies, which could help you and him.
They didn't have counselling in her time and culture, but a wise person once said you do have to work on marriage, you fall in and out of love, but marriage is the glue that keeps you together.

Not really - just a partnership with give and take. That’s what marriage is supposed to be. Mumsnet is usually full of LTB threads and some people say that the mumsnet hive mind is too quick to that response. To be honest I usually agree with posters that they are putting up with too much but in this case I think perhaps it is salvageable. But maybe I am wrong.

Why would he want 50/50 if normal parenting makes him so tense? The more likely outcome is that he would have very limited contact with the children.