I didn't miss DH at all whilst he was away

[Poppadop]

My DH has just got back from a 2-week trip. I've been at home with the 2 kids, 7 and 2. Honestly, we've had a great time at home. He got back at the weekend and I just didn't feel excited, more dreading how my new routine would change. He's been sending me messages whilst away saying how much he wants me and wanting to have sex etc, and I just don't. I've never really enjoyed messages like that anyway, not sure why, but it's not a turn on for me.

We've had sex since he's been back, I was hoping it might reignite a spark for me. It didn't.

He gets quite overwhelmed by too much noise and chaos, and as you can imagine with two young kids this happens a lot. Over breakfast this morning both kids were trying to talk to me at the same time and he just had a mini meltdown over it, like a sensory overload. It bothers me so much when this happens, because he doesn't remove himself he just melt down in front of us. Honestly it's not that chaotic, he just likes to control everything and gets stressed when he can't. Then we all have to witness it.

I'm quite relaxed generally but I think I've just become a pushover. Whilst he was away I did things the way I wanted, and there was no stress. No tears. No tantrums. It was so...calm.

We've been together 12 years. We have a house with a massive mortgage. We have an amazing holiday booked next year that is costing a lot. I just don't know how I'd navigate any of that if we split.

It could be that I just need to give it a few weeks, but I can't help but feel like I'm getting the ick. Particularly when he touches me and tries to have sex...that's not good is it?

Anyone ever felt anything similar?

I'm not sure I said that. I do think the majority of men have a Protector/Provider instinct based on my experience but I don't think it's the 'only' thing they are good at.

I do think that women are vulnerable during childbirth and nursing and caring for very young children (which would have been semi-continuous over a maybe 15 -20 year period during most of our evolution) therefore it makes sense that for the optimal survival of their own offspring men who were liberated from pregnancy, giving birth and breastfeeding would have had a focus on the security of their mate(s).

It's doesn't mean 'they're only good for earning money'. It just means their brains would have developed slightly different specialisations. They can also apply their intellect to other things.

The only thing you said in your post that men can do is provide money. You just said it in about 5 different ways. I'm sorry that the men in your life, and perhaps that you've been drawn to, are so useless in all respects other than not being unemployed

OP, your husband sound rather awful. But did it never occur to you that you chose a husband who mirrors your own father’s unpleasant behaviours?

divorce by all means as I’m sure you’d be a lot happier but FGS don’t embark on the next relationship without some therapy or counselling to understand why you chose someone like this - most women would have run a mile, not married the bugger, Jeesh. It’s a pattern you’d want to break.

Well, they've not been "useless in all respects". They have been very good financial providers and I appreciate them hugely for that. I learned to overlook and accept certain areas. Other areas we've worked on developing skills together. I am now very happily married, and I'm far from being perfect myself.

@Plmnki I think because I met him when I was early 20s, and he's 12 years older, I was really taken in by him. He took me places I'd only ever dreamed of, and I got somewhat sucked in I suppose. I didn't have a clue what I wanted back then, and to be honest I've probably only started to realise now!

He's changed a lot over those 12 years, in very positive ways, but it's only now having kids that I've realised the things I was happy to compromise on before, I'm no longer.

I almost certainly need some of my own therapy!

I agree.
I think the OP and her husband need to have a frank discussion and be honest about what needs to change for the marriage to have a chance.
I am not condoning husband's behaviour but there needs to be an opportunity for change.

@Newyearawaits Yes, if he can take responsibility for his behavior and change it-perhaps by developing strategies to keep calm, for example, i their relationship could be salvageable.

The one is on hm to do the work, however, not the OP. She has to prioritize their children.

If he gets that stressed by everything and feels overloaded by very normal things then if he’s honest, he probably enjoyed the time away too. If you were both being brutally honest with each other, you’d probably agree that you each enjoyed your time alone.
It’s a massive undertaking to end a marriage, and it must not be taken lightly. That said if you’re staying with him because you felt sorry for him and you don’t want him to be alone…equally is that the answer to stay?

id say you’ve got things to work through…will you get your sex drive back, is he on the spectrum, does he have the ability to have a meltdown quietly and away from the kids etc. maybe it’s worth working on all those things….maybe it’s not….

I feel like this too op you’re not alone

I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread but, I think I might try and have a conversation with DH today. I'm not sure how to approach it or what to say though. I think some of the key things I want to get across is the swearing around the children is not okay, and then meltdowns can't happen in front of them. He needs to come to with some coping strategies, or ideally get some help.

I was looking at dogs needing a home earlier and started dreaming about having one 🥺. And then on the boring end of the scale, building a second bathroom in this house...which we desperately need but he hates all building work so have never been able to do 🤦‍♀️

Good luck OP!

Stay strong

I think you position it as the realisation that because he finds certain things difficult, you and thw dc's lives are materially impacted with very little control. I think its entirely reasonable to say that 1. Sadly, you found that life felt a bit easier while he was away which reay made you think hard about how much you are compromising and conceding, perhaps without even realising it and 2) here are multiple examples of how your life is less because of his issues from tantrums to bathrooms. Ask him if he feels thats fair. Amd tell him you want thinfs to be better but you need him to meet you half way.

I think once you can see things can be better, it's very tempting to go in that direction.

One life and spending accommodating unreasonable people isn't ok.

Good luck.

You’ll also be alone for holidays and Christmas, that’s how it works when you split and it’s really hard

My XH who I met when I worked abroad used to get 10 days leave every 3 months and used it to visit his family. I got one day off per week so couldn’t accompany him ( they lived 10 hrs away ). I used to love that time apart.

It's probably easier to be alone than with a man who throws tantrums, though?

People seem to think the DH will go for loads of custody - I'm not so convinced that a man who can't tolerate his kids for the length of a breakfast will do that, at least for long.

If he is neurodivergent, he will find it incredibly difficult to change.
You may feel that you have to give him the chance, which is fair enough, but don't expect miracles.

It may be that an amicable split and sensible co-parenting will be best for you and the DC.

Don't start building works whilst the marriage is rocky. The last thing you want is to have to put the house on the market with unfinished work going on.

@Poppadop Your approach is sensible, you do need to talk about this.
Ultimately, the onus is on him (not you) to develop coping strategies so that he can parent your children better. He may need help (in the form of counselling, for example) to do this.

Be supportive of his efforts, but don't accept blame for his behavior or say that you'll help him change his behavior - aside from supporting his efforts, of course. HE is responsible for his own behavior, not you. If he is ND and needs help to change, he needs to get that help.

I'd include, "It is unacceptable for you to blame undiagnosed OCD for behaviours of yours that negatively impact me and the children, such as by making us late, without pursuing a diagnosis and treatment. Until you have been properly diagnosed and are accepting treatment I do not want to hear any more about it. Either you have a medical condition for which you need to take responsibility or you are just using it as an excuse. I will support you with whatever the doctors advise but I will not allow this to rule family life."

Just to say I’m still reading your post OP and will do as long as you keep writing. It’s been similar here. I’m looking for tips, what works etc!
Happy to tell you about bit more about what things are like here. My husband is pretty good at leaving the room to have his meltdowns. Maybe 70% of the time. But he leaves me high and dry a lot with 3 kids because as soon as one is noisy, cries or whinges he gets over stimulated and meltdowns or leaves. He is more difficult than the baby or toddler

how’s it going OP?

I have only read the OP but yes. Seriously life changing thoughts in my head right now, too.

I’ll rtft now.

How did the talk go @Poppadop?

I too am wondering how the talk went OP?