I didn't miss DH at all whilst he was away

[Poppadop]

My DH has just got back from a 2-week trip. I've been at home with the 2 kids, 7 and 2. Honestly, we've had a great time at home. He got back at the weekend and I just didn't feel excited, more dreading how my new routine would change. He's been sending me messages whilst away saying how much he wants me and wanting to have sex etc, and I just don't. I've never really enjoyed messages like that anyway, not sure why, but it's not a turn on for me.

We've had sex since he's been back, I was hoping it might reignite a spark for me. It didn't.

He gets quite overwhelmed by too much noise and chaos, and as you can imagine with two young kids this happens a lot. Over breakfast this morning both kids were trying to talk to me at the same time and he just had a mini meltdown over it, like a sensory overload. It bothers me so much when this happens, because he doesn't remove himself he just melt down in front of us. Honestly it's not that chaotic, he just likes to control everything and gets stressed when he can't. Then we all have to witness it.

I'm quite relaxed generally but I think I've just become a pushover. Whilst he was away I did things the way I wanted, and there was no stress. No tears. No tantrums. It was so...calm.

We've been together 12 years. We have a house with a massive mortgage. We have an amazing holiday booked next year that is costing a lot. I just don't know how I'd navigate any of that if we split.

It could be that I just need to give it a few weeks, but I can't help but feel like I'm getting the ick. Particularly when he touches me and tries to have sex...that's not good is it?

Anyone ever felt anything similar?

I was wondering this. If this is the case, he can’t help
having meltdowns, although there may be things he can do to avoid them on occasions if he knows what the triggers are. Also recognizing the early warning signs helps. eg snappiness

Or are the meldowns more of a deliberate controlling thing? It could even be domestic abuse. ExDP had tamtrums as part of his abuse towards me. He would randomly fly off the handle over some trivial thing (eg cling film being tangled up).

I could obviously be wrong about both of the above but throwing these points out there as possibilities.

OP you are obviously not happy in your relationship so you need to take some kind of action. But take our time. It is not easy. It took me almost 2 years to manage to move out once I realised I was being abused.

Is he capable of managing his emotions and not melting down at small annoyances in work? Like an adult? So many men seem to be like that outside the home but kick off with their own family.

Of course you aren't happy to have the third, more difficult child home. Have you already told him that he's making the house unpleasant? Does he know he's on thin ice?

Or is he so unhappy with his life that it comes out as constant tantrums about small things?

By ASC do you mean ASD?

If I can say in my 1st marriage I worried about things like that too as although I didn’t want to live with him anymore, I did care - I really shouldn’t have worried, seems I was very replaceable, like 3 months in replaceable ! And after that I was persona non grata - certainly changed my thinking on such things

It’s a condition so ASC.
Disorder implies there’s something wrong, it’s not wrong, just different.

This. 💯

I meant ASC Autism Spectrum Condition. Google it for more information.

He doesn't like the cat?!?!?!? 🫣😖😬 That's LTB territory as far as I'm concerned 😁 And I'm not entirely joking: I've often thought someone should do a study on men who dislike cats and how this correlates with contempt for women, versus men who coo over kittens 😍

On a more serious note,
he is fundamentally very hard to be with

This is not going to get better with time. People like this tend to get worse with age, as they become more entrenched in their ways. And you just get more used to it, and accepting of the apparently inevitable fact that life is a bit shit.

I'm not surprised you have had enough.

Having that time apart has opened your eyes to the possibility of a much brighter future. It's hard to unsee that. Getting there will not be easy, but it will be worth it. 💐 Good luck💗

Control the fear, get an A4 pad and start planning. Find out what you can afford and if you can stay in the house or what housing you could afford. Get legal advice and find out where you stand.

Him melting down in front of the kids is appalling. My hymen would grow back and I would have the biggest ick known to man! He is just another kid.

If he can go away for two weeks and function as an adult man, he can manage himself when they are just being kids.

Not a chance that would make me horny. I would want to fuck him off too @Poppadop

Yeah that's the strange thing. Everybody seems to use ND as an excuse for behaviours like it in kids and expect people toke allowances yet when adults are ND no allowances are made

Will be far more of this in the future with so many ND people about now

It sounds as though he acts like a third child (but worse).

I wonder if this was ok for you until you started having children and then assumed he’d grow up but hasn’t.

The part where you say he has a meltdown but doesn’t remove himself from the situation, is very telling!

For him it’s not about becoming overwhelmed, it’s about needing to be the centre of attention.

This relationship is over and unfortunately now you know how you feel, it won’t get any better and you’ll probably just become more and more resentful.

But the good news is that you don’t have to make any decisions right away.
Make a plan for the future and work towards it.
It may be that you wait until the youngest is in school or something and see how things go.
It could be that you can’t wait that long.

For now, I think you need to be putting your foot down more.
If he starts getting overwhelmed tell him to leave the room.
Tell him he’s a grown adult and needs to act like one.

And what's the difference between that and kids " masking" at school and having meltdown at home

Because they are adults and know how to behave. I am ND and it's not an excuse for having meltdowns in public or yelling in front of the kids - or sending inappropriate messages to someone who doesn't enjoy them.

I’m ND. So are my kids. STBxDH would never admit to being ND and would never consider getting assessed.

however he was the one that would have melt downs. Total emotional disregulation. Disregulate the kids. And me. Then complain about their behaviour.

We walked on egg shells for years around here. And yes I enjoyed it when he was away. edited to add - and was not happier when he came home. His return did not lessen the load.

he was recently arrested for domestic violence. The bodily harm was a new thing over the last year. But in hindsight there were plenty of red flags. 🚩

so. I was in your shoes 2 years ago. I wish I had done something then. Anything.

the house and the holiday DO NOT MATTER.

what matters is you have you your kids and your passports. And a safe relationship with daddy.

I wish I had gone to therapy 2 years ago. In fact I started a few weeks before this all blew up. It was far too late.

so. Get a therapist. Speak with a divorce consultant. get your ducks in a row.
I told STBx I was having some coaching to help me with my career.

if you want to consider saving your marriage then suggest relationship counselling to your DH. It will at least open the gates to a chat.

he may also not be happy.

however IME once you have the ick that’s it. Relationship is done.

good luck.

A few people have commented about being neurodivergent. He has always claimed to have OCD, but refuses any help and has never had a diagnosis. I feel like it's often used as an excuse, for example when we leave the house ridiculously late for something but he'll get annoyed if I get annoyed, because "OCD". I do think he has sensory issues, but he doesn't try and cope - he just expects everyone around him to bend. That's what bothers me most.

We do get on very well and I'd never want to stop him seeing his children. I'd hope that he could get a place very close by. I just feel like our idea of what makes a happy life, and a happy home, are at complete odds. For example, he gets stressed by the kids having a paddling pool because he doesn't want them to come into the house wet. I just don't really care, water dries 🤣 I would really love a dog...he hates dogs

I don't think you need to jump to splitting. That is jumping to the end of the book, and there are chapters in between. Divorcing is i really really hard, both financially and emotionally , and challenging for children. It can often be exactly the right decision (it was for me) but there are steps you should take in my opinion before then. Relationship counsleiing would be very useful for you. if he refuses to go, then that in itself tells you a lot. If he does, go yourself. Work o ut what you want and need. If you can go together though, you can find ways to work forwards, or amicably split. My current partner goes away and i really enjoy it! thre's nothing wrong with that. i appreciate the space and I can do what I want (with the DC obvs) and it's very nice to not have to htink as a partnership for a few days. BUT i also LOVE him coming home which is the difference. Take your time and try to work with him in this. Don't underestimate the emotional tole of divorce on you or your children. Really should be a last resort.

Because parents are supposed to not have melt downs in front of their kids and are supposed to manage their own sensory overload, as well as their kids, because they are adults and parents.

ND parents have to learn the skills to keep themselves and their kids safe. Otherwise they are not safe to be left I/c of kids.

however kids are still developing and learning these skills. They melt down in their safe space - ie with their parent or caregiver. If their parent is having a meltdown that is not a safe space.

You can make this work, it's the exact situation I have with my ex. He lives down the road, we co-parent - we still go out for drinks and meals as a family. We're friends and I will always look out for him, I just can't live with him (or have sex with him).

I have OCD and ADHD and some similar sensory issues to that, which seem to have got worse as I've got older, for whatever reason. But it probably means I am harder to live with too!

Are you seriously asking the difference between kids and full grown adults??

Are you also confused why kids believe in Santa but adults don’t?
Or kids are afraid of monsters in the closest but adults aren’t?

Do you think that all ND people mask at work and then come home and have a meltdown and physically attack their wives/husbands and children like many ND children do due to masking?

Adults and children are completely different, adults mature and find strategies to help them cope with life.

I hate that people think ND people are inherently stupid or aggressive and that it should be used as an excuse for bad behaviour.

This man has managed to have a successful career, get married, have kids, go on holidays and work trips etc but coincidentally apparently can’t cope when it involves OP not giving him attention.

ND or not, it is no excuse for him to be controlling and does not get to have a meltdown in front of his kids and wife over it.

If you can’t cope, then leave the room for a minute - don’t scare your wife and kids into submission.

It seems like you have suddenly had your eyes opened to the issues in your home and that can take time to process. I would let yourself sit with it for a bit as it is still quite raw. It does not sound like a healthy environment for you or your dc so I would begin planning what you would do if you split, financially and practically. The one question I would ask you to think about is, were your dc happier when he was not there.

My ex went away for three weeks when I had a five-month-old and a two-year-old. He made such a drama about how bad he felt because of how hard it was going to be for me… and it wasn’t.

Everything was calm and happy, we did things on a schedule that worked for us and if dinner was a bit late, nobody cared. I just made easy meals that everyone could eat instead of one meal for the kids and one “grown-up” meal that suited his gourmet tastes. If I decided to go to bed right after I’d put the kids down so I could get a good sleep, I could do it without being guilt-tripped about leaving him alone in the evening. I had to do everything but that meant everything got done and I wasn’t waiting around for him to finish watching a sports match before he would get the kids in the bath or whatever.

About four days before he came back, I started getting this feeling of dread and it was the first time I was able to acknowledge how much hard work he was to live with and how little help he actually was with the kids.

Sounds like you are having a somewhat similar experience. I’d say try talking to him, but my guess is you’re already tired of trying to get him to understand through discussions.

The emotional toll on the kids watching their father melt down in front of them is far worse though. That and his irritation at them for just doing things that kids do. It's nasty behaviour on his part that I'm sure he could control if he needed to but he chooses not to. There's no way he will be having these mantrums at work or on the plane or in the pub.

My Dad was an amazing man. I didn't see him cry until I was 17 and that was over a dog we decided we had to take to the vet to have PTS.

If I had seen him 'melt down' when I was a young kid, that would have had a devastating effect on me. If he did it over and over and was irritated by me just existing, I would have lost all respect for him.

There's also the issue of the OP no longer wanting to have sex with him and quite rightly, because he is the biggest turn off in the world. That's the unexploded bomb in this situation because as soon as she expresses that to him, all hell will likely break loose as it's clear from his texts that he still thinks she is up for tolerating his ridiculousness and just brushing it under the carpet/continuing to have his version of a loving relationship.

This is unfixable unless the OP is prepared to have sex she doesn't want and to subjugate her feelings to his.

I do think he has sensory issues, but he doesn't try and cope - he just expects everyone around him to bend. That's what bothers me most.

And this is where it becomes controlling.

Many parents are ND or they’re not but have traits like sensory issues.
Buy they try really hard to not let this impact their DP and children.

It is not normal for grown adults to be having a meltdown in front of their wife and 2 young kids.

He’s supposed to be your support, your partner, not your third child.

Most people can cope.

This man can cope too but he just chooses not to because that doesn’t make him centre of attention and it’s an excuse to be controlling.

I bet when things are going his way he copes fine.