I didn't miss DH at all whilst he was away

[Poppadop]

My DH has just got back from a 2-week trip. I've been at home with the 2 kids, 7 and 2. Honestly, we've had a great time at home. He got back at the weekend and I just didn't feel excited, more dreading how my new routine would change. He's been sending me messages whilst away saying how much he wants me and wanting to have sex etc, and I just don't. I've never really enjoyed messages like that anyway, not sure why, but it's not a turn on for me.

We've had sex since he's been back, I was hoping it might reignite a spark for me. It didn't.

He gets quite overwhelmed by too much noise and chaos, and as you can imagine with two young kids this happens a lot. Over breakfast this morning both kids were trying to talk to me at the same time and he just had a mini meltdown over it, like a sensory overload. It bothers me so much when this happens, because he doesn't remove himself he just melt down in front of us. Honestly it's not that chaotic, he just likes to control everything and gets stressed when he can't. Then we all have to witness it.

I'm quite relaxed generally but I think I've just become a pushover. Whilst he was away I did things the way I wanted, and there was no stress. No tears. No tantrums. It was so...calm.

We've been together 12 years. We have a house with a massive mortgage. We have an amazing holiday booked next year that is costing a lot. I just don't know how I'd navigate any of that if we split.

It could be that I just need to give it a few weeks, but I can't help but feel like I'm getting the ick. Particularly when he touches me and tries to have sex...that's not good is it?

Anyone ever felt anything similar?

This. Honestly, I kind of felt like you were describing me at times. I can't deal with multiple noises at once, or noise while I'm trying to concentrate on something.

He needs to deal with his issues, he needs to seek counselling I think. To come up with some coping strategies.

If you split up, he will still need to take care of the kids some of the time, but without you to act as a peacekeeper. How do you think that would go? They would come to dread spending time with him, wouldn't they?

Surely it's better to try and solve the issues rather than just split up right away.

Obviously, if you still feel the same once he's tried to sort things out then yeah, you shouldn't stay. But there's a huge chance he may be able to find some strategies that will help, and that could change family life massively, for all of you.

Plus, things should get easier the older the kids get.

Yes, very much so.
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TBH I often don't really miss my DH when he is away either. I relish time on my own/time to watch my rubbish on tv/do things my way. I miss his generally being and presence but not specific elements and don't pine for him. When mine has the odd grumpy/OTT outburst I send him a text message later on highlighting how ridiculous/pathetic/unacceptable it is. I find things in writing when away from each other can help spell things out better. Let him know exactly how it made you feel and gave you the serious ick not to mention is totally not ok to do infront of the kids

In which case, plan a tactical end to the relationship. Save the money you'd spend on holidays, consider when your next remortgage is and, if absolutely necessary, go for a 2 year fix and consider that the target to be ready to exot the relationship by. In the meantime, be the understanding wife and go away more with the kids under the auspices of giving him a break.

Hi OP, On here you will get a lot of people telling you to leave your husband, might be the right answer, might not. In reality you chose your DH for a reason and no-one but you knows the full story.

I brought a marriage with a person like your husband (sensory overload, easily stressed etc) back from the brink over the space of 5 years working at it. No regrets. I mainly changed my behaviours and we had counselling together (I put an ultimatum on that). His behaviours changed when my responses did. The kids were/are much less stressed too. House is much calmer all round. I did go part time at work as well, and of course the kids grew up and became less demanding.

Here's a post with some of the resources I used from another thread.
Link to post

My view on this is - if you change yourself it's a win win. You gain skills in this relationship and turn it round OR failing that you have them for the next relationship and it goes much better as a result plus the skills you gain help dealing with your ex if you split.

Most people don't possess a full set of relationship skills when they marry/have kids or even know what relationships skills specifically are.

Self Care for You is a large part of what you need to focus on short term (and long term)

I agree @raisinglittlepeople12 and being ND isn't an excuse for poor parenting.

It sounds as if he needs to develop some strategies to deal with the inevitable noise of having young children and perhaps speaking to a counsellor would help him to do that. I can see why you're getting the ick if he's behaving like this, it's not on. He'd chosen to be a parent, so he needs to work on his parenting skills.

Agree with this.

Possible ND would explain a lot of these things - it sounds like more than OCD, maybe a combination, but that does not excuse them and the negative effect it is having on your family.

If he still refuses to get help and work on some of these difficulties, it would be completely understandable if you decide to leave.

I am glad you are happier and this has worked for you but....

You chamged your behaviours to manage him.
You went part time

Does he appreciate what you did and the effort YOU put in or is he clueless?

A friend went part time because her husband was on the verge of a nervous breakdown but he career was more important and just couldn't cope with the family stress.... then he left her for another woman.

This is completely unhinged and unacceptable behaviour. It is absolutely about attention and control, and about shutting the children up so that he’s the one you focus on. He is competing with his own children for mummy’s attention. No wonder you have the ick. @Tacohill has nailed it with her posts.

I think if this had been in the OP you wouldn’t have nearly as many people trying to tell you to stay with him. Most people seem to have missed it.

At the very least he needs an ultimatum about this kind of attention-seeking and frightening the children into submission so he can be the centre of attention. He’s extremely selfish and immature to think this is acceptable. Personally I doubt that he can change, and since you are financially stable yourself I’d be looking to take my children out of that situation to lessen the damage he’s causing. The children should not feel like they have to make themselves small so that their grown man of a father can have mummy’s attention for himself.

But you shouldn't be making the same/equal allowances for a neurodivergent child regardless of age - or, rather, you might be making the same allowance but it's compared to a neurotypical child of the same age. You don't parent a 15 year old like you do a 3 year old, unless the 15 year old genuinely has the capacity of a 3 year old (in which case they aren't going to be getting married and having children). Accommodating and supporting a neurodivergent child without a learning disability doesn't mean never pushing, challenging or expecting growth from them over time any more than for any other child. The pace and nature of the challenge might be different but it has to happen, precisely because a child who is given absolutely no expectations or standards for behaviour because they're neurodivergent is never going to become a functioning adult.

What makes me saddest about this is that the kids seem to have reacted pretty calmly - showing much more emotional resilience than him, and one of them is two... It is clearly something they've seen many times. My kids would be completely terrified if a parent acted like this as they would assume that something must be terribly wrong. I would really think about the fact that your kids clearly see this as expected and normal behaviour from dad, and whether you want that to be life in their home.

I'm an adult with autism/adhd, i also have physical disabilities.

A parent having disability isn't the problem here, it's how you approach it. I'm open with my teenagers about what i struggle with. They both also have autism/adhd.. so rather than be a dick and make it all about me, i model appropriate ways of handling the bad days, the 'meltdowns' the overloads and the shutdowns... i have conversations with them about the benefits of therapy and learning how to work around your issues without making them everyone elses problem.

OP.. what isn't cutting it here is your DH's refusal to do ANY of that. You can try tackling it, and encouraging him to get help because while he may not be able to help HAVING a disability (if he does have one) he can sure as hell do something about how it impacts the people around him.

but people are asking for allowances for their ADULT kids at uni etc

And the not becoming a function adult is exactly the point

This, ifyou don't miss him and he ruins your kids childhood, time to think of the next step.
I left my exdh, 6 years ago, love my life now ...one big holiday away from him!!

He sounds awful. At best intolerant and bullying. The children won't experience this as you do - they will be afraid and anxious (as he intends, even if he can't admit it to himself). His neurodivergence is absolutely no excuse and his refusal to get a diagnosis is him actually choosing to behave like this.

It sounds like you (as usual) aer the one doing all the work anyway so it's time to leave - for your kids, if nothing else.

What did he add to your life before you had kids? Sounds like he doesn’t add much now and actually drains you. But will that be the case once it’s just the two of you again v you on your own?

It’s quite common for couples to go off each other when they have young kids. They’re stressful (demands, mess, noise, lack of sleep) but it’s not for v long. Then they turn into teens you barely see or get a few words out of! So, then you’ll be able to do your own thing again and still (if you both want) have uninterrupted time as a couple (as child-free couples do).

You obvs have to put the kids first. The starting point will be 50/50 custody. So the kids will have to deal with his meltdowns without you there. Will you have to work longer hours, and have less time, energy or money for the kids, as a lone parent? Will you be happy spending every other Xmas morning/birthday eve apart?

Allowances at uni is things like extra time in exams or allowed to wear ear defenders if the room is too noisy.

Do you think a uni student can regularly have a meltdown or be physically abusive towards other classmates and get away with it, just because toddlers do?

Toddlers go round kissing each other or putting things off the floor in their mouths.

Unless someone is cognitively impaired and act like a toddler, then this behaviour is not tolerated.

I think you’re confused about what allowances mean.

Someone with dyslexia is allowed a coloured overlay or someone to read for them in the exam - it doesn’t mean they don’t have to do the exam.
They still have to do the exam to pass the course but allowances are made to make it fair.

Allowances can be made for DH such as being ok with him leaving the table for a few minutes as he’s getting overwhelmed or OP having to cook certain things instead of him as he can’t cope with the smell etc.
But the same could be said for OP even if she’s not ND.

It’s on DH to come up with strategies to cope in life.
As partners you respect that each other isn’t perfect and will make certain allowances for each other.
It doesn’t mean that your partner gets to be controlling and have everything their way.

ASC=Autism spectrum condition, ASD=autistic spectrum disorder. Both are used. As an autistic person, I prefer the former term, because not everything about my autism is always disabling, though I have been flamed on here before for saying that.

Sounds like nirvana to me,@Hulahooops 🙂.

Or a home next door to a DP, with an interconnecting door, so they can be invited in, then easily asked to leave 😂

I’m a v communal living, laid back, tolerant kinda person, but I increasingly find I can no longer be arsed to accommodate on the regular men’s other people’s idiosyncrasies. Or indeed temper my own habits to accommodate them 😂

Yes; this is how my siblings and I grew up, treading on eggshells... living with a bleak and suffocating "atmosphere" constantly magicked out of thin air for reasons that made no sense, waiting for the next irrational outburst... learning patience and quietness and tolerance, and always, always wishing things could turn out differently one day, but they never did.

Guess what? Every single one of us carried that "sensitive peacemaker" role into our own marriages. Tiptoeing carefully around someone's fragile and explosive ego was so deeply ingrained in us all that it felt like "home", it felt like "love". We cannot separate someone else's happiness from our own because we feel wholly responsible for them, and we don't bat an eyelid at outrageous behaviour.

I eventually escaped the pattern, but it took me decades to do so. My siblings haven't. It's sad seeing their lives and knowing exactly why they just quietly accept that some maverick Caligula is wielding such power in their home, making everyone anxious and miserable.

I would speak with him about this openly and try to do so without bing accusative and blaming. Explain that his 2 week absence was actually an eye opener on how difficult he has become to live with. How much more enjoyable you found it to be alone and it worries you. Discuss his melt downs and ask him what HE is going to do about HIS issues to stop taking it out on his family. State you realise now what life can be like and you are not willing to pander to it anymore and he needs to maybe get help. Discuss walk away wife syndrome and doesn’t he want to work on things before it gets to that point

@Poppadop I think this is a sensible approach to this situation that @Firefly100 posted. It shows him you aren't just upping & leaving him and if he wants to stay together then he needs to put a lot of work on. That said, do you think it's too late or if he did try and seek help you'd want ti stay with him?

I wonder if he finds things less stressful when away from the kids etc that seem to trigger his reactions.

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned you're right the kids do tend to react calmly when he does this, which I think over time I have just attributed to meaning "it's not a big deal". But with him gone for 2 weeks I've had my eyes opened. The 7 year old almost laughs when it happens? These meltdown moments don't last long, but I guess because everyone suddenly bends to him...or at least I do, to try and diffuse the whole situation and limit my kids' exposure to the behaviour. He swears a lot and gets so stressed as I've said, and then the 7 year old just brushes it off with "daddy's stressed again". But he had a smile on his face when he says it, so I don't really know what he thinks to it all?!

Funny thing is I didn't really explain the meltdown in the first post because I didn't think it was worth explaining. To me it's just normal. And that's a bit sad really 😔

I fear I've followed in my mum's footsteps. My dad was a lot like this, and still is really. And whilst we get on as adults, I still feel like we'll never be really close, because of how he behaved when we were growing up. I believe my mum should have left him, but she prioritised the marriage thinking it was more important to give us that family life.

Another thing I've noticed is that DH blames everyone for everything, he'll never take responsibility for things. DS7 acts the same way sometimes. If DS gets upset about something and shouts, when I talk about not shouting he says "well YOU made me shout! It's YOUR fault for annoying me!" DH hasn't exactly exhibited that behaviour in front of DS, I think it's a bit of a phase he's going through, but I see so much of DH in there and they're the qualities I really don't want him developing 😬

Lack of accountability is narcissistic behaviour trait. I have long believed that all children are narcissists (said only slughtly tongue in cheek) and that part of our job as parents is to help them grow out of this.

There is research that suggests people with narcissistic behaviours did not get this suppet to mature and that their brains are wired, in certain ways, more like children. As I understand it, this is obviously particularly true for people who are actually full blown narcissistics with an actual diagnosis of NArcissistic Personality Disorder.

The more you talk about your dh the worse he sounds. I am certainly not saying hes a narcissist but he clearly has serious priblems with empathy and accountability.

My DF mellowed a lot with age, so never say never!

But yes, the damage that is done can be hard to reverse.

I'm sorry you have mirrored these dynamics in your own marriage, the way I once did.

Also glad that, by extension, you understand the severity of its impact on your DC.

Sorry OP, there is no easy answer to this I'm afraid 💐