I didn't miss DH at all whilst he was away

[Poppadop]

My DH has just got back from a 2-week trip. I've been at home with the 2 kids, 7 and 2. Honestly, we've had a great time at home. He got back at the weekend and I just didn't feel excited, more dreading how my new routine would change. He's been sending me messages whilst away saying how much he wants me and wanting to have sex etc, and I just don't. I've never really enjoyed messages like that anyway, not sure why, but it's not a turn on for me.

We've had sex since he's been back, I was hoping it might reignite a spark for me. It didn't.

He gets quite overwhelmed by too much noise and chaos, and as you can imagine with two young kids this happens a lot. Over breakfast this morning both kids were trying to talk to me at the same time and he just had a mini meltdown over it, like a sensory overload. It bothers me so much when this happens, because he doesn't remove himself he just melt down in front of us. Honestly it's not that chaotic, he just likes to control everything and gets stressed when he can't. Then we all have to witness it.

I'm quite relaxed generally but I think I've just become a pushover. Whilst he was away I did things the way I wanted, and there was no stress. No tears. No tantrums. It was so...calm.

We've been together 12 years. We have a house with a massive mortgage. We have an amazing holiday booked next year that is costing a lot. I just don't know how I'd navigate any of that if we split.

It could be that I just need to give it a few weeks, but I can't help but feel like I'm getting the ick. Particularly when he touches me and tries to have sex...that's not good is it?

Anyone ever felt anything similar?

This doesn't sound good.
It's really sad for your DC to be growing up with this. Eventually as they get older they will mute themselves or seek safety/relaxation/fun outside e g prefer to spend all their time at friends houses etc, leave home before they are ready.

From your DC's point of view this must be really unsettling until it is their normal and then they think/expect all adults to behave like this and they then become unsettled with adults who don't behave like this a k.a have normal adult behaviour.

I don't think it's ever salvageable if one partner doesn't want to have sex with the other one any more. Unless they're both happy to live in a sexless marriage.

What a strange response. You reckon the DH has compassion for the OP? When has he shown that - when he screamed in the kitchen??

I don’t know, I guess I am asking the question. If not then it’s not going to work but no one is perfect. I imagine everyone does things that would upset their partner from time to time - the op has not commented on how this goes in the relationship. Maybe he has another meltdown or maybe he accepts those parts of her as part of who she is.

Adulthood

I guess I am saying that this is something that can change back and forth in a long term relationship. If it isn’t going to change then you are right.

As usual on MN everyone jumps straight to divorce.

I will say that the house does sound a bit chaotic. Is there a lot of screaming, mess and noise? I don’t think that’s ’kids just being kids’, it does sound like maybe you don’t mind chaos and a slight lack of boundaries whereas your husband would prefer that shouting or mess was contained to the garden which in my opinion is fair enough.

Counselling would probably benefit you both.

I've only ever lived with 2 partners, and I knew it was over because I didn't miss them when they was away, infact I loved it.

Same as when dating its not that I get bored with them, I just value me and my life more.

So I chose to stay single and have one night stands.
No strings attached no cringe messages, no meeting family or doing dates etc.
And I love it.

Some would call me selfish but no man can make my life more peaceful than what it is.
I have my own home my own income, im just not compatible with men.
I love my freedom and its never going to change.
I do wonder if there is others out there like me.

A relationship is only salvageable if both partners are willing to put in the work. I suspect that as a rule, by the time someone posts on MN, they have done the work and are feeling frustrated because their partner has not. In the perfect world, the op in this situation gets a tip or some insight that helps her to navigate this but the problem is that too often shes doing it alone.

In this case, it sounds like the dh has some challenges. And yes, if he was willing to do the work, they might well be able to solve the problem. But.... its also clear this isnt new and that op has attempted to.address these issues before. And he has dismissed and belittled the impact.

But maybe, her laying it out very clearly in the context of this 2 week time apart might be the impetus he needs to sort his shit out. Who knows. We can hope.

The stark horror of a parent who doesnt behave neurotypically. My dad was worse, he was deaf. Couldn't hear a word you said to him, waved his hands around a lot even in front of my friends and his voice sounded funny. It was soooo embarrassing I had to leave home at 14.

When the cat's away the mice can play.
Your husband is the angry threatening presence, when he's there no one can relax because you're always waiting for another outburst.

How do they learn though?

Women often do find themselves checking out when their partner isn't a partner. If you think about it, it won't be a sudden thing that's just happened since he's been away. I couldn't be fucked with his dramatics.

I guess when you're an adult who has managed to get married and have children and hold down a job, you start by taking responsibility for yourself.

But you still haven't stated how you learn this stuff id you've been used to people making allowances for ND through your life, even at adult age while at uni

There's an atmosphere after that!

Someone who creates an "atmosphere" about something so trivial is a fucking nightmare to live with. (Ask me how I know!)

This is a very damaging environment for your children to grow up in. (Ask me how I know!!!!!!!!)

The OP's husband hasn't got an ND diagnosis so nobody has been making allowances for him.

It won't get better. I personally would spend the next year saving every penny i could, in cash and hidden. I would be telling myself that after the holiday it will be over. A year goes by very quickly especially when you are planning a new life.

Sorry to say this but yes I have been in this exact situation (minus the neuro divergence which I think is a red herring tbh) and felt exactly how you feel. My then husband went away for a few days and I was so calm and happy with the kids, it really struck me how much I enjoyed the time without him. And yes ,the ick was there, sadly. In my experience,it doesn't come back. Took me awhile to admit it to myself. Long story short we split a few years later.

Ah I'm really sorry. That sounds shitty to have to manage on top of looking after (actual) children. I can completely see why his absence was a nice break for you, and why you didn't fancy sex with him. I don't think I would want to have sex with someone who behaved like a toddler either. Hope you find a way to deal with your new perspective - wishing you luck!

I get this a lot and i always think it's terminal. But it's not if you don't want it to be.

I felt like with my ex husband, dreaded him coming home from work even, and he was the most inoffensive (but also completely unemotional person ever), I had just completely emotionally detached from him. I didn't care either, as a pp poster said, he gave me the ick and I found nothing worth fighting for so left that feeling at that.

My husband now, I have waves of feeling like this - I have a LOT of very solid reasons for not wanting to be around him tbh, but most the time we're good, often very passionate together regardless of his past/now very surpressed twattery - however, if he does a few general things in a row that really get under my skin (scrolling his phone and not listening to me when he was the one who asked me a question as a loose example) then I end up back in the familiar territory of dreading him coming home from work. I'm much more fickle that I ever thought though, because if he just gives me a bit of basic effort for a day or two and I'm back yearning for him again. Tldr - take a bit of time to figure out whether it's just his behaviour/barriers to your relationship (which can mostly be changed) or whether you've completely emotionally detached and don't care to reattach.

Cancel the holiday now
7 and 2 year olds do not care about amazing expensive holidays
Go to a counsellor on your own talk it through

I never miss DH when he is away and several of my friends remark how much easier their lives are when it's just them and the kids and how annoyed they are the moment the husband returns and the dynamics all change again. It's counterintuitive, because one would think having another adult around would actually be a help, but it seems that a lot of women feel like life is harder again when the husband returns.Definitely life is more "relaxed" without the DH around and several friends have used that same word.

As for your situation, you definitely need to tell your DH that his reactions to the children is unacceptable and adding stress to your lives and not fair to any of you. I would also mention that your life was easier when he was away. Maybe that's the wake up call he needs.

Dunno, sounds like being alone would suit him. He doesnt seem able to cope with normal life.

Do you act like a toddler?

If not, how did you learn how to act like an adult?

How do you think he learns how to have a career, go on holiday, have sex etc - you mature and grow up.

I'm struggling to see where you get this from? The only person OP has mentioned who shouts is her partner. Other than that it's children talking, moving about and playing. Sad if you think that's "chaotic". Do point to anything which makes the house sound like chaos, other than a grown man screaming and throwing a fit because he couldn't cut a fucking bagel properly