Solo night away - dh not happy

[Twosugarsplzz]

Hello

I have an 11month baby boy. My mum has looked after him, one on one, a handful of times and had him overnight once (just a few weeks ago). He slept through (unusual!), ate all his dinner (again unusual!) And even let my mum brush his teeth. I was shocked but pleased. Anyway, two of my close friends are on annual leave and have asked if I fancied lunch at theirs in a few days time. I agreed. I checked if my mum could look after baby (as dh working) and she said yes. I would have taken baby but their flat is very small and they have a dog who i haven't met yet. My baby boy wants to crawl everywhere and I dont know this dog. My friends live near my mums house (i live an hour away from family and friends).
As mentioned, my mum said she would look after baby and then offered to take him overnight that same day too! I said no, I was only seeing friends for lunch. But then, after a few really bad sleepless nights, I thought, I could book a hotel and stay there while baby stays at my mums that night. She gets to spend time with grandson, she offered overnight, and I could catch up on sleep! I thought about asking dh to join but its too short notice for him to get time off work and then we'd have to think about what to do with our dog etc. I would have stayed at my mums but she lives in a flat and doesnt have much room. I would be sleeping on the couch. Or my mums room with my mum on the couch (i cant do that!).
So I was telling dh my idea of booking the hotel, room service, long bath, early night etc and he is really not happy. Told me its lazy and why am I desperate to get away from baby. I told him I am not and he told me I would be hitting the roof if other way around. I said damn right, cause you dont even do wake ups so yeah. He's now pissed at me.
We started talking again and he said he was taken back by my suggestion and he thinks its pretty selfish I would disappear to a hotel. He said I wanted a baby, as did he, so I dont get to just ditch him and go to a hotel whenever I like.
He is blowing this out of proportion but now I feel like shit. What would u do???

I’m not confused. I have an opinion.

Tell your husband that you are not asking his permission, you are telling him what you are going to do.

He doesn't get a say in how you spend your time.

Why is it selfish?

Check the hotel room has a bath first. I've stayed in Travelodges and it's usually a shower.

You have spent too long in your op trying to justify getting a hotel. You don’t neee to justify it at all. You don’t need to be glued to your child. And yes your DH is a knob.

As someone who hasn’t had a full nights sleep for 3 and half
years and whose child point blank refuses to sleep anywhere but my bed - please do this for yourself.

I've had at least one night away a year since my children have been born, with or without my husband. Usually we have a few nights together whilst someone else has the kids and I will have 1 or 2 nights away solo (occasionally with a friend or my mum)

Last year I had 2 nights with my mum, one by myself and 2 with my husband.

Posted too soon...

If you have a willing pair of hands in your mum then absolutely take her up on it!

It's not something you get to do every day and a full night's sleep is essential for everyone.

Enjoy.

Next time fine somewhere with a hot tub!

Read again. Selfish is always mentioned as a bad thing. It's not.

Definition:

"caring only about what you want or need without any thought for the needs or wishes of other people"

Taking time to do this occasionally isn't bad when it means you get to recoup and relax. It's right to prioritise yourself occasionally.

Use your loaf. If she leaves the house at 11am for lunch, where is the baby going to be between 11 and when their father finishes work?

Just to add … being anxious about a weekend alone doesn’t make you a bad parent. I hate nights/weekends on my own. Especially when my babies were younger. I’d always ask someone to stay if I could (my husband travels with work every few months and has had the odd stag do) as does my husband!

She lives an hour away....

I’d say

I’m not sorry you’re not happy about it, but you’ll get over it. 🤷‍♀️

Good for you for sticking to your guns. Imagine if you had shown him that he got to dictate this and what effect that would have had on the rest of your marriage/life.
If he did his fair share, you‘d have much less to recover from.

No, it doesn't, but I think the way you express this can make you a bad partner/spouse.

I did read it. I appreciate that the post wasn’t criticising her I feel it’s unfair to call her selfish.

The definition you’ve provided suggests she has no care or thoughts for the wishes of others which is grossly unfair.

Prioritising yourself once in a while doesn’t automatically make you selfish

What is your opinion? That women shouldn’t stay in hotels? That this particular woman shouldn’t stay in an hotel?

It’s not selfish. No one - nanna, baby, husband- is losing out or even having to play second fiddle because of this decision. Is win-win. Nanna enjoys the time (so she says, and who are we to argue!), baby is happy with nanna (perfectly normal and good for baby!) and husband… well he has the night as usual.

That isn’t how forums work @doctorharvey. You don’t get to police it if other people think differently to you.
how forums work is that everyone gives their own opinion.
so on this particular thread some would divorce over this (maybe they’re been there, done that, maybe it’s easy for them due to finances, maybe they have a super high bar as they love being single, maybe they can read between the lines here, whatever) ; and at the other end of the scale, some are saying ‘poor man’. Then everything else in between.
the op gets to read everyone’s opinions, add her own far more intimate knowledge of her own situation, and draw her own conclusions.
so, no, I will continue to give my opinion of divorce in any situation where that is precisely what I would do.

Honestly, mums are not only guilt tripped for leaving baby, but also their husbands most of the time.

Things I’ve seen:

1. For leaving baby to go on a rare outing - even if it’s for a morning
2. For leaving baby and then not spending time with husband
3. For leaving baby with husband (wtf)
4. For leaving baby with parents to go on a rare outing with or without husband
5. For doing anything at all that doesn’t involve baby and husband

Like women need to only prioritise children and men, never themselves.

You literally just want a bath!!! You’re not selfish or needy!!!

Don’t let him doubt yourself. You can love being a mum a want a night off. Your mum sounds great and definitely take her up on offer.
The hotel makes sense as it’s an hour drive.
Enjoy.

👍🏻. Let's see...

It's not. Some people will push anything a mother does for herself as selfish but it's not - this impacts absolutely nobody. Zero people.

OP well fucking done, for booking the hotel, for not letting your husband get you to back down, and for not listening to the sour faced dickheads of mumsnet who can't bear the thought of anyone deviating from being glued to their kids and husband every minute of the day. Enjoy your hotel stay - a lovely bath and relaxing night sounds fabulous.

But it's not selfish... it doesn't match the definition you provided at all.

OP has thought about the needs of her child first and foremost. She has considered the fact she has the means to do this and a caring grandmother who wishes to have her child overnight.

It isn't bad correct... but it also isn't selfish. Maybe if it was a month long holiday abroad and getting into debt it'd be selfish. But knew night alone when the child's needs are met is absolutely not selfish.

In fact by that definition if anyone is being selfish it's her husband, who is dismissive of the OP's needs and wishes and the reality of her life waking up through the night.