AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

That went well, OP 🤣

You MIL is right. You think you'll have all this sorted in 5 short months when you haven't been able to between the ages of 2.5 - 4yrs with a newborn in the mix as well? You've woeful underestimated this OP. And unless she has a medical or development reason for not being able to use the toilet - yes toilet NOT potty - school will not accept her. She isn't a baby. Stop treating her like one.

On paper it looks like you haven't actively parented in these areas. No way should a DC be taking any drink to bed. DGD was one last month. Her dummy is gone. Apart from milk in a bottle before she cleans her teeth before bed, the only drink she has is water through a sippy cup. This took perseverence, DIL and DS are brilliant despite both working and very busy schedules.
I think potty training will be a nightmare if you wait until Summer when you have a new baby. Not only will your attention be split, but older siblings are affected by the new arrival and can regress, although I'm not sure that's possible here.
If you don't begin to train immediately you'll be looking at DC potentially attending school in nappies.
I remember potty training at around two years old because pre-school would not accept a DC unless they were out of nappies. Is this not still a thing?

The way your MIL communicated things is problematic - but you are way way behind on things you should have sorted out. A dummy at 4 needs to just go now - you should have dropped it years ago, milk in a bottle is crazy (move her to a straw cup or even better a glass - ideally before brushing teeth - I did that transition at 18 months and still felt that I was a bit ) and potty training is a pain (I know - delayed it too but to 2 years 9 months) and delaying it too much makes it harder not easier. You really need to face up to some pretty basic transitions that you are years late on as they will not be easier with a newborn and the resulting emotions in your 4 year old.

Another team MIL. You've had two summers to get her out of nappies and it sounds like you couldn't be arsed. Our area has school transition day in June, some schools have multiple transition visits. It's not "oh she can be ready by September". She needed to be ready last year.

The key bit is the training part - potty/toilet training. Training. It involves you having to try a bit. As for the dummy & bottle I despair, they should have been gone years ago. Just get on with it and stop letting your DD down.

Unless there are health issues, then your mil is right. 4 is extremely late to be in nappies. As is having a dummy and a bottle! Milk before bed is fine (if brushing teeth after) but why in a bottle?
She's worried for her grandkid, who is significantly behind.

I was under the impression that teachers are not required to change nappies and that parents must come into school and deal with it

Well someone has to comment as you’re clearly failing your daughter. If you can’t get these basics right you’re in for a whole world of pain as she continues to get older.

Come on! Your child cannot start school wearing nappies or wanting a dummy or bottle! Children will make comments as an observation, not out of malice.
And you're going to do this in the summer heavily pregnant or with a new born too? Get on it now. Your mil is right.

A new baby on the way won't help her drop her baby items just FYI, nearly all my friends who had second children with a young child (not toddler) found their firstborn had a bit of a regression and wanted things the baby had.

May not be the case for your daughter but just a friendly warning in case as it's common. 4 is quite old, have you sought any help re potty training if she's completely unable to hold urine or is it a case of stubbornness? My son is 2.5 and incredibly stubborn, we paused potty training but beginning again soon and it's really the hardest bit of parenting a small kid so far! So I understand you might be reticent while heavily pregnant but there'll never be a good time and having a newborn will he another reason not to do it.

OP your 4 year old should be a 4 yo. I am completely shocked. You are doing her no favours whatsoever!!!!! This is ridiculous

Yes that's common, I worked in reception for a while and a boy kept soiling himself and we had to call his mum in whenever he did, she was on maternity leave and didn't drive. In that case he was dairy intolerant but was given ice cream at home so we were cleaning him up the first few times but then it became daily and just not part of the job of a teacher or TA with 29 other kids to keep an eye on!

Good luck doing all this with a newborn baby who your daughter will, in her tiny 4 year old mind, be in direct competition with. She’ll revert back to needing even more babying and you’ll be stuck.

Four?? Yeah, skip the potty and go straight to the toilet.

If nobody ever told anyone this stuff, nobody would know. You needed telling. You're directing your anxiety at the wrong target here. Forget MIL and sort this out.

My child isn't even at four and tells me on a few occasions who wears nappies at his preschool room at nursery. Not out of malice and some have obvious SEN but just out of observation. I imagine if your daughters in nursery they'll be a few kids saying the same to their parents and it will only get a whole lot worse at school.

What exactly do you mean by plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. ?

You need to sort these issues out before the baby comes along.
A 4 year old should be toilet trained by now and doesn’t need a dummy or a bottle.
A cup of milk is fine.

My friend (primary school teacher) her DS was still in nappies at just turned 4. I didnt say anything but I was concerned he wouldnt be properly toilet trained starting school. First day of the summer holidays and nappies came off, potty came out and he had it cracked within a week

If you’re waiting for some magic moment when toilet training won’t be tough, you’re on a hiding to nothing. Some kids get it quickly, some do not. If by 4 she’s not wanting to sort this herself, you have to force the issue. I agree with PP that it’s normal for kids to regress when babies come along so the sooner this happens the better.

Your MIL must have been biting her tongue for a long time if this has only just happened

I think she must mean that lots of kids get to reception age in nappies but this is something to fix, not to accept…

Some schools call parents in to change nappies (they all should IMO unless there is a medical issue and then a personal care plan put in place for that individual child)
But in other schools there are so many starting reception still in nappies that it’s become an expectation for teaching and support staff to change them.

Like I say sometimes there is a medical issue or an additional need that means toilet training has to be delayed, but often it is lazy parents who can’t be arsed or tried once and the child had an accident so they gave up. I don’t know who they expect will potty train their children but part of me wonders if they hope school / nursery will do it for them.

So long as MIL is equally blaming your DH for lazy parenting, she’s got a point.

I feel sorry for your DD.

Yes your DD shouldn’t be having a dummy, bottle or nappies now. It will be much harder when the new baby is here, you will have your hands full and your DD may well resent that the baby can have a bottle and dummy but she can’t.

Why is the world a different place when it comes to getting your child potty trained and stopping the dummy/bottle. There is a lot of talk now about children not being toilet trained when they start school and this could well be your DD.
Years ago I helped at a brownie group and they were arranging the brownie pack holiday and there was a meeting for the parents to ask questions, one Mum said her 8 year old daughter had a bottle of milk at bedtime and could this be accommodated. The child had no developmental delays, the bottle had just never been stopped. The other parents were stunned. This will be your DD if you aren’t careful !

I never understand Mumsnetters wondering if something is a 'reverse' thread? I think that a few OPs in the past have admitted to doing a 'reverse' in order to try to get more honest answers, or some-such, but why would any other Mumsnetter think something could be a reverse - I genuinely don't understand the logic!

Is it that a reader of someone else's thread finds it so unlikely, or unbelievable, that they don't believe the OP can be telling the truth? If that is why they believe that the OP has swapped her story around, then how does that make it any more believable, because logically, if it was too ridiculous to think that originally about the OP, then why is it now not too unbelievable that a stranger could come to the same conclusion?

Right, I have confused myself even more now, so I will leave you with this, in the hope that somebody, somewhere, will be able to understand how my weird mind works, and kind enough to explain to me: why an unknown

Stranger - Mumsnetter (a), would tell us about somethingthing so strange, unbelievable, silly, dangerous etc, that other Mumsnetters can only assume it is a reverse (AHhhh!)

then why isn't it just as ridiculous to think that a

Non-Mumsnetter, Stranger (b) would do such a strange, unbelievable, silly, dangerous etc thing themself?

Or,

when I joined Mumsnet, some years ago now, did I not realise that I had taken, and passed, a much harder then usual IQ test, one which proves that all Mumsnetters are of a superior mental quality than none Mumsnetters? If I hadn't realised what was going on, then how did I manage to be clever enough to actually pass - the imaginary - IQ test in the first place ???

Thank you for your time and patience 💙

Doing all of these things in quick succession is a recipe for absolute disaster and it won't be solved by september unless you start very, very soon. You can't do dummy and bottle and nappies at the same time. It'd be much crueler than just doing one now, today.

Also, you can't cut the bottle when she sees the baby having the bottle - resentment central!

Throw away the dummies this weekend. It's hard but next week that will be sorted.

On a sunny weekend in the spring throw away all nappies and do the oh crap method.