AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

Must be a reverse. MIL is so right, and you are so unreasonable (and lazy!!).

Quite simply, you are failing your child. You need to get your act together before the next one comes along.

LOL. Do you really not know that critical mothers-in-law is the norm? Forever?

My mother told me that whenever my grandmother, her MIL, walked in the door, which was almost daily, the first thing out of her mouth was a criticism, like saying I wasn't dressed properly.

I’d say your MIL is very worried about your DD. I would be too, dummies, bottles and nappies at the age of 4 is not ok. Has she tried to speak to you about this before?

Having accidents at school, while inevitable for many kids, is surely something you would try to avoid as a parent. A teacher is not responsible for toilet training your kid!

I voted YANBU because why is she commenting on YOUR parenting? Is her son not also the parent of this child? Does she not say the same things to him? Why is it all your fault? On this basis I think she is unreasonable. Everyone else has made enough comments about the nappies and bottle issue so I won't bother, but if she's laying this all at your door as if her son isn't also involved then she's a massive cowbag.

Your MIL has no right to comment on your parenting, her children have been raised - it’s not her job to tell you where she thinks you’re going wrong. Perhaps just get your husband to tell her firmly - we’ll let you know if we want advice.

The manner of her delivery might not be ideal but the substance seems to be correct. You can tell her message received, we already know what you think when she says something but it's really worth considering why she's bringing it up. It's April so September is in 5 months and you have a baby due in the middle of that time, aiming to do toilet training, getting rid of dummy and bottle and welcoming a sibling is a lot to take on.

Does DD go to any playgroups or classes with similarly aged children? If she does you'll notice that she is behind compared to her peer group, I would try and close that gap as much as possible before her sibling arrives.

Someone needed to tell OP. MIL will likely tell her DS too.

She’s not a cowbag, she’s a very concerned GP. And if she’s held her tongue this long, she’s done well to! But now the clock is well and truly ticking, and OP and DH needed the kick-up the bum!

my dc3 is 4 so I’m parenting in the exact world you are as are many on this thread and you can’t brush off our comments with that dismissive oh she’s a dinosaur. Potty train your dd. I thought I was being lazy with my 3rd as I left it because it was so tricky with always being out at big siblings sports schedules, but I certainly made sure she was potty trained before 4. Dummies are out and so are bottles at that age too. Your mil is right to be worried.

This- you’ll have a new baby! One of the things I found so much easier with dc 3 with a 3.5 year gap so bigger than between dc1 & dc2 was you don’t have to stop mid feeding the baby, and just put the upset baby down to rush and get the older one to the toilet, as dc2 was potty trained and could take himself when dc3 was born.

Your MIL shouldn't have said anything but I can see why she is concerned. Still better to say nothing in these situations - coming from your own mother or sister you'd probably pay attention more.

The thing about all these developmental steps is they are hard. I wouldn't want to go through potty training again for anything. Ditto losing the dummy and the bottle. But you have to do them and go though the miserable weekend/week you will have.

If I were you I would start with the bottle. Buy a new cup and make a big deal of it and get the bottles out of the house so you don't have an alternative. Just do it. She will not be happy for a few nights but sometimes you have to go through that.

Then start on the dummies. For my middle one the dummy fairy had to come leaving lots of M&Ms. But you have to stick with it. Again it won't be pleasant but that will be for a very short period.

Then toilet training - you have to do this before your baby arrives or your life will be miserable. I'd take a week off, read all the books beforehand and then go for it. Throw the nappies out. The one good thing is your dd is old enough to be able to reason with.

It's totally okay for your MIL to say ONCE, "I've noticed this and I'm concerned because... Have you thought about...?" Repeatedly telling you what to do, or making any comments about it to your child or in front of her is absolutely not okay. Your DH needs to be having a word.

Even if she is 100% right in what she says, she needs to respect appropriate boundaries and not be an interfering busybody.

Noone needed to tell OP, she was aware already.

and if she did desperately feel she needed to tell them, surely a direct conversation was more appropriate than telling a 4 year old she was going to be bullied?

Quite right.

Re potty training, if they wont then they wont. Some kids really are fucking stubborn!

DS1, trained at 4.5 but he has cerebal palsy and frankly I was just so happy he was trained at all.
DD1....stubborn as FUCK to the point of making herself ill. Finally managed it just short of 4 and only when when I told her (July baby) that she couldnt go to school if she wasnt trained and would be too old for nursery (this was 30 years ago, I wasnt lying).
DD2.... trained herself at 18 months. She has always been "that" kid who was miles ahead and still is as an adult, she was G&T from aged 6. She just decided she wanted to use the loo like her siblings and did.
The other three were all about 2.5 so pretty textbook.

Its easy to say that the OP needs to get her trained but some kids just are not that cooperative.

She’s saying to your face what all your other friends and family are saying behind your back.

Whilst I agree that it needed to be said, I also agree that it was the way she did it that was a problem. A sit down chat with the parents would be better than shaming the kid.

Your mother in law is right, you're lazy, I hope this is a wind up, you can't be serious. Ffs

What on earth does the weather have to do with potty training?!?!

Its a hell of a lot easier in the summer when clothes and floors dry quicker after accidents and its warmer so letting them go "bottomless" is fine.

Your MIL is right! A 4 year old with a bottle, a dummy and in nappies! Time to pull finger and allow her be a little girl rather than a baby.

A four year old knows when she wants to go, unless she is developmentally behind there is no reason for a child of that age to still be in nappies. Or to have a bottle but that is the lesser issue.

I don't understand why you have let it go on for so long, op, it's embarrassing for you and for your daughter. Does she never go to nursery or play school?

This ... quick sort this out it will be so much more difficult after baby arrives!

Gosh ! you only have 4/5 months max to get her fully toilet trained, please don't let her go to school in nappies - she goes to school to be educated not for childcare !

and as for still having a dummy !
why !!!
dummies were supposed to be for ' comfort ' / ' soothing ' why on earth would she need one at home ' at home when relaxing '

you are having a baby in 3 months ( maybe less as babies can come early ! ) time to stop babying your daughter !

and as for having a bottle...well !

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cp3dykw576yo

A quarter of children are starting reception whilst not toilet trained.