AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

Putting a four year old back into nappies is plain lazy, she should have left bottles and dummies behind long ago, it’s 4 mths until school starts!

I agree with her 100% but I would've stayed silent about it.

At 4 years old, surely you'll be skipping the potty and going straight for toilet training?

Can a 4 year old even fit on a potty?

like others have said unless your child has developmental problems then this is a parenting issue. Parenting and helping a child meet their developmental milestones is bloody hard work. So I totally agree with your mother in law.

In my experience girls and normally so much easier to potty train than boys. Unless there are other issues at play here?
no child at 4.5 years needs a bottle of milk to get to sleep with

Sorry, I do agree with your mil on this. Assuming your dd has no developmental issues, potty training should be very doable at 4. The bottle too needs to go. My son had a night bottle until 2 which I thought was late! I swapped it out for a straw cup with little fuss as the cup was colourful and fun. At 4, is let her choose a replacement herself and make it something fun. As for the dummy, I do know quite a few children who have had them at this age and later, I know they can be a source of comfort and so more tricky to get rid of. If only used at home and the teeth are ok, I’d tackle that one last.

All these comments! Regardless of whether or not MIL is right - the way she’s going about it is really bad I think. By all means have a chat with the OP and her partner - and express concerns or whatever. But to make comments to the child within ear shot feels really unhelpful

The only thing MIL is wrong about is seemingly only addressing these concerns to OP and directly to the child - OP where is your DP in this situation?

This is as much his responsibility too, why isn’t he involved as a parent and what does good weather have to do with anything?

OP doesn’t say or suggest her partner wasn’t there?

Sorry, but this.

You don't want a newborn & potty training. I did it when DS1 was 2 + 4 months & DS2 was 2 months old. It was January but he was showing the signs he wanted to try. I laugh now about the breastfeeding & toilet training, but it was no joke.

He's now 21 & we laugh about the one poo a day in his pants that he has no memory of. 🤣

I indeed waited until Summer for DS2 - he was 2 & 7 months- and he did both day & night within a few weeks.

DS3 has significant ASN & he was again the Summer at 2 & 6 months.

There really is no excuse unless there's a developmental issue.

You're making a rod for your own back. Sorry OP.

seriously, wise up

And stop blaming MIL

4 years old? Starting school in September? Dummy, nappies and comfort blankies should all be gone by now

Why are you waiting better weather to toilet train?

Im a MIL and I have to sometimes make suggestions to step daughter , suggestions , to wake her up to some things arent right

jesus. This is pure laziness

@DearDog96

What do you mean by this?

plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids.

In terms of a child’s development timeline, nothing has changed.

I believe some parents attitudes have changed to reaching said goals though, possibly due to lazy parenting! This has been proven by many schools being sent kids that are not ‘prepared’ to be at school. Still in nappies or can’t wipe their own bottoms. Not on!

My daughter had her first pair of knickers on her second birthday and we didn’t look back. Yes, there were accidents, of course there were, but not many and within a month, she was toilet trained.

A 4 year old shouldn’t have a dummy or be drinking milk from a baby’s bottle. We had the ‘bottle’ fairy scheduled to come one evening. Our daughter (aged 3) gathered all items for the bottle fairy, placed in a Jiffy bag, left it outside the front door so the fairy could collect it to give to younger babies that needed bottles. In return the fairy left her a lovely big present to say ‘thank you’ and to comfort her while she got used to drinking from cups.

You have to try harder OP, it’s not fair on your DD. Get a move on, and before baby 2 arrives. Your MIL is right to be concerned. I would be!

She shouldn't comment but she loves her granddaughter and is probably quite concerned for her so try and forgive her. Its not just a comment on your parenting btw but also on her son's - not everything need solely be on you.

It can be hard but exp with a new baby coming you do need to let your dd grow up.

Team MIL here. Sorry.
I mean 4 and in nappies? You and DH will need to work hard to crack that one before your next child arrives, but you know that, surely.

Milk and a dummy is beyond me.

MIL is probably concerned about all the additional work you will both face, if you don’t crack these milestone developments pronto.

@DearDog96 also be aware if your child does arrive at school with huge milestones missed and no developmental delay reasons as to why, the school may see this as concerning and report as possible neglect.

Op, come on, you’re years behind with this stuff. The dummy should be long gone, and the bottle (which should never have been ‘to fall asleep with) too. The potty training if not yet sorted should be activity worked on right now, the opportunity for a ‘reset’ because she’s not yet ready, is long gone.

She’s probably held her tongue for well over a year, MIL is right.

Im team mil about most things. The milk is (if formula) a very expensive vitamin drink and wasting your own money but if you’re happy to do that then fair enough. It doesn’t need to be in a bottle though.

Unless there is a physical issue or developmental issue, a 4 year old should be out of nappies. A 4yr old is also too old for a dummy. It can have a negative effect on speech development, which occurs right up until 7.

Sorry OP but your MIL is right. Also you don’t know how long potty training will take. What if she ends up at school in nappies? As you say you babied her.

It is pure laziness, I agree.

Where’s dad in this?

Wrong for MIL to mention this to DD. I’m normally against grandparents interfering with parenting, but something needs to be said here

I understand she's your first, and you've babied her (by your own admission); but, at 4, unless there's developmental delay, she should be LONG out of nappies. I understand we leave kids longer now, but I was potty trained at 17 months, before my brother came along, because my mother didn't want to have to wash two lots of nappies, after having done it with my elder sister and I! Probably forced it, but shows it can be done... I would take a week off work ASAP, and get it cracked.

Also OP, what do you mean by the world being a different place, compared to when MIL had kids? Nothing has changed, except more and more parents are sadly not supporting their kids achieve their developmental milestones ( additional needs aside).

Whilst she’s absolutely correct about the fact that your DD should really be toilet trained by now, she shouldn’t be making your DD anxious about going to school…

Your MIL is 100 percent right.