AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

I am going to suggest to the OP that she puts her failures at potty training behind her……today! And she starts afresh with the 4 year old by including her in planning for the forthcoming arrival of a baby sibling.

Take the little girl shopping to buy new knickers, let her choose but all the time encouraging her “to be a grown up big sister” . Likewise, let her choose a trainer seat for the loo. Pack away her nappies and tell her they’re needed for new babies……do the same with the dummies and bottles.

Toilet training and stopping the dummies/bottles must be your priority but include your DD, she is old enough to understand that babies have nappies and bottles and she is quite capable of using the toilet. It just takes patience, encouragement and lots of praise.

I can see how the interference of your MIL has annoyed you but that shouldn’t be your main focus now……your DD should. By your own admission you’ve “babied” this child, send her to school in nappies when there’s no specific need and you will have failed her miserably, your MIL simply wants what’s best for the little girl.

“Their” child being the operative word.

Telling a 4 year old they’re going to be bullied is hardly parenting id aspire to emulate anyway.

You need to start potty training. Today.

Does she brush her teeth after a bottle?

Poor kid, in four months she’s got to potty train, give up the dummy (she won’t be allowed it at school!), deal wit everything that comes with having a new sibling, and start school. You have left this all far too late OP and it’s really not fair on her.

Yikes. A bottle, a dummy and nappies at 4??? My daughter turned four a few weeks ago and I couldn’t imagine any of that being the case.

She shouldn’t be mentioning it directly to your daughter but you and her dad are seriously letting your daughter down!

Your MIL is right to be concerned as at 4 your DD should be much further ahead. Totally agree with other comments about the big sister role as you’re potentially opening yourself up to all sorts of issues when your baby arrives and of course there is always the chance baby will arrive early.

Order your DD a toilet seat combined with a step from Amazon today. Stop the night time bottle and lose the dummy and be unable to find it. Yes you’ll have a few nights of broken sleep possibly but your DD should be toilet trained within a week which will help you enormously.

ETA my little grandaughter was using the toilet for poos at 19 months and at 2.5 is now taking herself to the toilet using her step. Whilst others may consider this early she was obviously ready and very excited to be like mummy and nanny. Shes also firmly into the big sister role helping mummy and being absolutely brilliant with her new sibling.

She’s BU for how she spoke to DD but YABU for letting your DD get to 4 years old and not help in her grow. As you’ve said, your DD is babied by you and your DH.
You’ve done your DD a real disservice.

Your MIL should stop making digs. You should start potty training. I suspect the reason you resent her comments is that you know she is right.

Your MIL was unreasonable to say what she did but a presumably NT 4yo who is not toilet trained, uses a dummy (and not just for sleep) and drinks from a baby bottle is very concerning. My DD2 is 3.5 and I can’t imagine her doing any of those things. You need to get a handle on it as you haven’t done her any favours.

@DearDog96 Yes, the world is a different place but neither then nor now is it usual for a NT 4 year to be in nappies, having a bottle at night or using dummies. Any one of these would be unusual. A combination of all three is really concerning.
It's also going to be harder for you to solve these issues between 6-9 months of pregnancy and actually deeply unfair to your daughter. She has a bottle and a dummy as a source of security. You are bringing a sibling into her life and at the same time taking this away. Obviously don't delay this any further, but please treat her like the 4 year old she is.

I also wonder, WHY you haven't said no to these things so far? Do you generally find it hard to take a parenting stance and push through? I wonder if this is what the MIL is reacting to- that you are a bit soft to the point where these basics have been neglected and so she's trying to take a tougher stance with your child because you and your DH won't.

You need a couple of quiet weeks at home and one of those seats that sits on the toilet - forget about the potty, you've gone beyond that now. If you do it half heartedly, you'll just prolong the agony and your daugher will get the impression that it is optional. I'd do it as soon as you can.

I think it’s completely made up and designed to get everyone frothing over it.

Yeah I wondered that… what a terrible attitude!

Maybe that some parents think its someone else's responsibility to raise them?

Sorry OP your MIL is right. Your dd is seriously behind. If she has no SEN you and your dh needs to stop babying her and get her potty trained and her dummy off her. She is nearly school age not a toddler. All 3 of my kids would openly say at 4 that nappies and dummies were for babies.

Dummies went by there 1st birthday (night time use only from 6 months as they can affect speech) and they were all potty trained in the day within a week of there 2nd birthday's. Nighttime is a little different as that can take a bit longer for some kids.

OP train her now as if you wait till summer when the baby arrives it maybe much harder. Stop putting her back in nappies as that's just confusing her and setting her back. Take the nappies off her, put her in big girl pants and keep encouraging her.

I’m usually the ‘they’ll do it in their own time when they’re ready’ but you are leaving this far too late. Starting school in September, pull your finger out!

You need to deal with this stuff now, it will be much harder if you wait till the new baby arrives. Ask MIL for her help, she might have tips and strategies you haven’t tried yet. Whilst it’s annoying for her to comment, and you obviously feel stung by it, make use of her experience. And remember, it’s her grandchild, she wants the best outcome for her.

She shouldn’t be commenting on your parenting and def not discussing it with your child… but I imagine she is very worried about her. I don’t think you can blame the world for being a different place, it sounds like you need to support your little one a bit more in learning new skills - whether that’s independence or soothing. I’ve seen older kids in school uniforms with soothers and it is often just parents wanting an easier life. If you have a clear rationale for some things I think it would be easier to be clear about it and it wouldn’t bother you so much. My MIL thought I was a bit mad to co-sleep and breastfeed for extended periods of time but because I was very happy with my decision and felt they benefited my kids, it just rolled off my back - sounds like your MIL comments are evoking something in you - that she may have a point, despite the delivery method not being optimal.

Someone needed to say it.

I think this works only up to a point. At 2, when I initially started potty training my son was definitely not ready. At 2.5, he had a sibling arriving shortly so he was being potty trained whether he liked it or not. It took a week of me off work, then my husband the following week before we even made some real progress. Our nursery worked alongside us and we'd send him (on their request) with about 4 changes of clothes and he was normally always coming home with these wet. This went on for a good few weeks and it was about 6 weeks until we reached a point where we had hardly had any accidents.

Was it enjoyable? No. Hard and frustrating? Yes. But ultimately our responsibility as parents to get him out of nappies. Some people just use this "when they are ready" as a complete cop out. There's so many posts on here, of parents putting their child back in nappies after two days of potty training.

Honestly....you are doing your child a massive disservice.

You can start addressing these issues right now and turn it around OP

Also the world isnt that different a place with regards to nappies and bottles from when your MIL was younger.

It wasn't acceptable then to have a 4 year old in nappies with a dummy nor is it now.

The only exception to this is if the child is developmentally delayed. I have worked in both pre school nurseries and primary schools recently and contrary to sensational headlines which suggest lots of kids are still in nappies and using dummies at 4 they really are not! It was rare and the only children who were both in nappies and using dummies had significant developmental delays and required 1 to 1 support.

If a child had no delays and was still in nappies and using dummies at 4 then serious questions were asked around neglect at home as its a key indicator of it.

I send all my sympathies because I had all this as well when my DC was the same age - not potty trained and still co sleeping. Everyone would tell me how awful a job I was doing at parenting and it upset me. He just wasn't ready to potty train until the summer before he went to school. It also didn't take very long because he was ready. I know my in laws (and my parents) totally disagreed with all this and I found it hard. Hope everything goes well

It surely needs doing now before baby arrives & to allow for any regression when the baby does?

If anything, it’s better to potty train when the weather is rubbish and you’re mostly around the house anyway. Consistency is key- keep going with it and your DD will get it.

Is this a reverse or rage bait for the Daily Mail? Are you ever coming back, @DearDog96?