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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

454 replies

DearDog96 · 12/04/2026 23:09

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

OP posts:
Batshitgreens · 13/04/2026 03:12

I agree with your MIL, sorry.
Sounds like lazy parenting and you need to work on it fast.

MrsPerfect12 · 13/04/2026 03:44

The potty training needs done immediately and not given up on. This needs to be in place before the new baby comes.

WaltzingWaters · 13/04/2026 03:46

If your Dd was 2 I’d agree with you. But at 4 your MIL is completely correct (assuming no SEN drip feed). My DS just turned 4 and has been toilet trained for 2 years. School is approaching fast, as is your baby’s arrival, and you really need to sort this now way in advance of both of these things. Don’t wait for the warmer weather, start now.
Same with the milk and dummies - just go cold turkey. Sure, it’ll be hard for a few nights but then it’ll be done and forgotten.

A child I nannied for stopped using dummies when the pharmacist told her they didn’t stock dummies her size and she was too big for dummies (she was 3). I thought it harsh at the time but it completely worked and she got home and decided herself to throw out all her dummies! So maybe the tough love from MIL will help. Although I do agree she absolutely shouldn’t tell a 4yo she’ll be bullied.

RosesAreRedRight · 13/04/2026 03:54

My kids haven’t been babies in over 20 years and even back then everything you’re doing would be very unusual. This seems very lazy parenting,or very uneducated parenting (unless there’s a SEN drip feed excuse coming). She shouldn’t have a bottle aged 4. She definitely shouldn’t having a bottle filled with milk at night as her teeth will decay. 4 year olds should be toiled trained. Start chopping little pieces from her dummy now or pretend it got lost in the vacuum, anything to get rid of it. You’re not doing your daughter any favours letting her development stagnant like this.

Topseyt123 · 13/04/2026 03:57

Your MIL is spot on here. You seem to have been far too lax and lazy, particularly with regard to the potty training, and are cutting it far too fine. Especially with a new baby due.

You need to get your finger out, which you should have done some time ago really.

JayJayj · 13/04/2026 04:13

Eeeek!! I did not expect my response to be for mil! I don’t think she should have said anything to your daughter.

But unless she has some neurodivergence I don’t know why you haven’t tried harder for potty training and why you still give her a bottle and a dummy. Her teeth are going to be bad.

JayJayj · 13/04/2026 04:23

Heronwatcher · 12/04/2026 23:28

Also what are you doing re the potty training. If your attempts have been a bit half-arsed then that might be the issue. Mine took a few weeks each time, but it worked with pants only (apart from at night) (no nappies or pull ups in the day), relentless reminders and bring sat on the potty every hour. Same routine at nursery. And yes it does take longer than a couple of days in most cases.

Edited

It took months for my daughter to stop having an accident a day. I first tried just after she turned 2 as all the signs the were there. But after 6 weeks of 3 to 4 accidents a day it was really me down (I also had an elderly dog who was having accidents and ill. It just was all too much). I went back to pull ups to catch the accidents but continued with taking her to the toilet every hour. And changed a pull up as soon as she had a wee so knew we don’t do it.
I gave myself a month break and started again. It was about 3 months that accidents went to maybe once a week. She is now 3 1/2 and it only happens if she is too engrossed in something but is very rare.

CarraghInish · 13/04/2026 04:57

Oh dear OP, I am not sure if this thread is going the way you hoped but I also agree with PPs that you need to hurry up with the potty training. Bottle and dummy? If it’s just a night time thing in the privacy of your home it’s not such a big deal.
So baby is due in July? And school in September? Those are two major major life events on the horizon for your daughter. Even for kids who have been trained from an earlier age these are the types of world changing events that can cause regression and bed wetting. I think the nappies have to go as a matter of urgency.
Your child, your call as to which methods / rewards/ resources will be best for her as she works through this, but the time for delay tactics has long gone. Good luck 💝

LastOneThere · 13/04/2026 05:12

She's right. The child is four.
Another soon to be that will be doing all the things the one about to go to school is still doing. You could make it so much easier for yourself when the new baby comes if you didn't have a 4 year old baby.

Decacaffeinatednow · 13/04/2026 05:17

Another plop and run poster….

Hohumitsreallyallthereis · 13/04/2026 05:22

Jesus, you need to deal with this NOW. Before the baby arrives. The bottle and dummy’s get thrown out today. Cold turkey. Wait a week then remove day time nappies and they don’t come back no matter how trying it is. You must do this before the new baby arrives.

For the sake of your child get your shit together. Your and your husband are failing completely here.

harrietm87 · 13/04/2026 05:23

This can’t be real? OP it’s not nice to hear but you’re really letting your DD down by not having sorted this.

I had a dummy until 4 and it has permanently ruined my adult teeth. As others have said, it’s only going to get more difficult for you to deal with these things once you are more pregnant/the baby is here (not to mention the baby will likely have bottles and dummies which will make it very hard for your DD) so you need to sort this fast! Cold turkey on all of them this week.

sesquipedalian · 13/04/2026 05:58

What on earth does she still have a dummy and a bottle for? Most toddlers can manage a sippy cup and at four, your DD should be able to use an ordinary cup - a cup of milk BEFORE bed and teeth cleaning is fine: allowing her to fall asleep with a bottle of milk is negligent parenting - or do you not bother cleaning her teeth, either? Water is fine, and enough. She’s far too old for a dummy, and your MIL is quite right to worry about what will happen at school if she’s still in nappies. You really need to take matters in hand NOW - when your new baby comes along, you’ll have your hands full and won’t have the time to devote to getting DD used to no nappies. She’s old enough for you to explain what is going to happen. Just remember: man is an animal of habit, and the longer you let the habit of bottle, dummy and nappy continue, the harder it will be to break. I feel sorry for your DD: it will be difficult for her because you have allowed all this to carry on way too long. As another poster upthread has said, you need to get going on this TODAY. No excuses. Be the parent your DD needs.

user1497787065 · 13/04/2026 06:02

My DC never had dummies and had their last bottle just before they turned one and were out of nappies at about two and three or four months. We skipped the potty and went straight to the loo which I would suggest you should do as your child starts school so soon.

We didn’t use dummies as we had a niece who still had one at three. Same niece also was still having a bottle at the age of five. My DH also
had a goddaughter who, whenever we went round was always sitting on a potty in the middle of their sitting room.

I Really think you need to get on and sort all
of these issues and agree that you haven’t babied your DD but you have been lazy.

AgentJohnson · 13/04/2026 06:04

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school.

Do you now? If it was easy, you would have done it already. Throw a newborn into the mix and it will be harder allround. Your MIL’s delivery was poor but her concerns that you have left things late are not.

You are right, things were different in her day and schools and nurseries are having to deal with the consequences of parents leaving it too late for the basics. Now is the time not, kicking the can down the street when it will be more difficult with a newborn and a school start deadline looming.

Dragracer · 13/04/2026 06:09

No you're bang out of order and she clearly isnt getting the message through strong enough. You rarely let your 4 year old suck her dummy while out and about, so you do. Dummies, baby bottles, nappies should be long gone.

Your kid starts school in 6 months and she's still a 2 year old. So in a very short amount of time you're going to cause her massive upheaval then ship her off to school, add in a new sibling on the way.

You've set the kid up for failure. Don't be complaining when her behaviour is up shits creek or she's still having accidents at school.

Unless you're going to drip feed she has a developmental delay then you've really massively let her down.

ThejoyofNC · 13/04/2026 06:14

Your 4 year old is still having dummies and bottles and wearing nappies. There's is no excuse for that. Your MIL is right.

Lizziewest88 · 13/04/2026 06:16

I think you need to speak to your health visitor. There is a lot to do to get your child ready for school in very little time!

Mapletree1985 · 13/04/2026 06:17

Four is pretty old not to be potty trained.

tnorfotkcab · 13/04/2026 06:23

MyLuckyHelper · 13/04/2026 00:50

Your MIL has no right to comment on your parenting, her children have been raised - it’s not her job to tell you where she thinks you’re going wrong. Perhaps just get your husband to tell her firmly - we’ll let you know if we want advice.

Or how about they step up and parent their child...?

Lookayonder · 13/04/2026 06:24

You say times have changed but I don't know any four year olds with dummies, in nappies and having bottles. I have a May 2022 baby and he's been potty trained for about 18 months and hasn't had a bottle of milk at night since he was 1.

Your MIL is right. You keep saying you'll have these things addressed before school yet you clearly haven't had any success over the past few years so I don't know how you think you'll manage in the next few months with a newborn.

And what have you tried with potty training? It's a long slow process, it isn't something you just achieve in a few days. It took a good few weeks before mine wasn't having accidents and was a lot of persevering, wet laundry and cleaning. But we managed because we stuck at it. Just going back to nappies isn't going to teach your daughter anything. And using the excuse of "warmer weather" is an absolute cop out. Weather has nothing to do with potty training.

Mummyboy1 · 13/04/2026 06:27

If you're still having difficulty potty training, then it's not suddenly going to be easier with the warmer weather. Have you reached out for help? Try your local health visiting team, they have lots of experience. She needs to be fully sorted and settled in using the toilet before school. You've also got a baby due "in the warmer weather " so that's a big chnage for her, you need to tackle it before baby comes. If there's no swn, then you've really babies her for far too long. Do something now, otherwise you'll be trying to make too many changes when the baby arrives.

S0j0urn4r · 13/04/2026 06:28

Why leave potty training until summer? If it hasn't taken by September will you be popping into school to change her?

cobrakaieaglefang · 13/04/2026 06:31

Team MIL here. Maybe MIL could take your child for a couple of weeks. She could probably get this sorted for you, unless of course there's any abuse worries.

sparrowhawkhere · 13/04/2026 06:33

Waiting until she’s ready is fine is she’s still 2 but at four she needs to be out of nappies. Does she go to nursery? Does she sort herself out if it’s a wee or do adults face to change her?
You're expecting a lot from your daughter to give up nappies, dummies and bottles, get a new sibling and start school all in the next 6 months.