To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

You still haven’t confirmed ages but also haven’t rebutted the majority who are assuming you’re early 30s and he’s in his 60s so I’m going to guess this is the case.

It sounds like your mind is very much made up and you’re going to marry him regardless. This is making me think of the song Mothers Know Best on the Disney film Tangled… I think she knows what’s best for you here and it isn’t giving up a solid career many would die for to become an old man’s trophy wife.

I’m 30, my children’s father is 41 and for me that is my limit I won’t go 10 years younger. There’s not a chance I would get with someone old enough to be my father or someone who will have children either the same age or something as me I find it quite revolting what is it that’s attractive about someone twice your age

You don't need to change career, just either the firm, or type of specialism you do. There are plenty of lawyers not working the hours/pressure in the way you describe and still have a good salary meaning they don't consider tying themselves to someone twice their age.

I think you age and his make a big difference here…

The unfortunate fact is that he will age rapidly fairly soon, while you will be in your prime for quite sometime. I think that aspect is too often overlooked in the first flush of an age-gap relationship where the older one is of an age to still have maintained health and energy. It will decline, and you will be left with an old man way before your time. I don’t think that’s a good future.

You don't have children yet so you can't see the massive red flags this guy is waving as he talks about his children. The way he is behaving looks OK to you, because you haven't got kids and you don't yet know the fierceness of the need to give them stability and security. He is WAY too casual - or the way you are describing it is way too casual, you've said what he does, but not how he feels.

If you have children and break up with their parent, you need to consider it your life's greatest almighty fuckup. Without shaming yourself you nevertheless need to do a lot of work on yourself to deal with the fact you have caused them harm - and ensure the same thing never happens again. You need to reflect on your part in things and whether you were truly acting with maturity and foregrounding their interests. Otherwise you are a trivial selfish person. This thoughtful vibe needs to be apparent as you enter, cautiously, new relationships.

My DH would never ever ever behave like this or talk about future children casually without always foregrounding the needs of his existing children and thinking about what more they would need in future. Whatever bad blood happened between him and me I could always trust him on that

When a man already has children you need to discuss the following IN DEPTH and be satisfied with the emotional literacy of his answers - if he doesnt answer well it is likely he is both trivial and selfish, and by marrying him you would then be participating in further harming his children and maybe yourself and your future children.

What did he try to keep his previous marriage together? Does he give the impression that he tried everything and put his own needs second to the needs of his children?
How does he think the split has harmed his children? What is he doing to remediate that and give them the security of total emotional security with him? (clue - it isn't bringing the fucking nanny on a day out /new date!!)
What does he think he didn't do well as a new parent or as a partner last time round, and what would he do differently? What has he learned from his failed relationship about his own attachment style? How is he now different?
What does he think about forcing his children to live with someone else and sharing him with potentially other children? Is he proactively thinking through what might go wrong and suggesting ways you might both handle it?
How would he, himself, plan to remediate any pain or trauma his current children might go through? What might he find emotionally challenging in that and how does he plan to develop skills and awareness to help him get better at it?
What does he think about potential clashes between you and his children later in life? How would he support both them and you? How far would he be prepared to go to inconvenience himself to smooth things over? How easy would he find it sitting with the discomfort of you and a teenage child both feeling unhappy with him, and what skills does he think he might need within the household to help?
Would he be prepared to spend less time at work if he was needed at home or to support his children e.g. through a MH crisis or similar?
How easy would he find doing actual hands on parenting with either his current children or new ones? Press him in detail on what he did last time. Nights? Sickness? Daily emotional load? Does he think a SAHM does everything 24/7 for the children or does he have a different view? What would his ex say, if he were to reflect on that honestly?

I could go on for hours. But you get the gist. Cross-examine him!!

It's going to be very hard to find a career that is equal to the finances of owning your own business and being lots older, and also being treated wonderfully by an older man who's besotted with you.

I think you're probably around 25, and still actually that's really quite young. In 5 years, you'll be much further in your career, and maybe you'd be investing in a business, and meet a man who is actually your age, etc etc. And you'd still only be 30 and with loads of time.

1 year is far too quick to throw things away and settle down. If you marry like this, you'll be vulnerable as soon as he changes his mind, especially if there are children, and the money of having a property won't necessarily make up for the time you would have lost and the independence you would have lost.

Can you consider cutting your hours or changing to a different firm? It is a demanding career. There are probably transferable skills if you wanted an even bigger change. If you dive into this relationship and children instead, you're just avoiding this difficult decision of abandoning what you studied so hard for, and it would be harder to come back and get into work again in future.

It may be all glamorous and romantic now.
But imagine being a beautiful energetic 40 year old woman in your prime. And your husband is 75, hard of hearing, with erectile dysfunction and the beginnings of dementia ?

I think you need to ask snd answer honestly - if this man could not support you financially would you love him as much as you do?

Lady Kitty Spencer is 33 and her husband is 65, they have been together since 2019, and married in 2021. I don't suppose she felt a need to marry him on the basis of his being a billionaire. He looks likely to still be quite fit.

This sort of age gap isn't common but I daresay it can work for some.

www.tatler.com/article/lady-kitty-spencer-shares-rare-insight-date-night-husband-michael-lewis

Completely agree with you. An attractive young women of intelligence who has worked her way into an excellent job is throwing it all away on a sugar daddy. I’d be so disappointed if my daughter did this.

In addition he’s clearly got young children, probably with someone not much older than the OP. He’s bedazzling the OP with his money and his experience as an older man.

There is no way she’d even consider him if he were penniless. This is not love. She’s being bought. Her best ally is her down to earth mother. The one person with the OP’s best interests at heart. A mother who can clearly see exactly what this is. Sadly the OP manages to extol everything about the man, while belittling her own mother’s life and sacrifices for her. Very sad.

Surely marriage is about love. You don’t mention it.

If it's 'hard to separate money from the relationship' then the answer is that your relationship is based on his money rather than true feelings, and you probably shouldn't marry him.

You do realise that in Tangled the mother doesn't know best and is the villain?? I don't think telling OP it's either her old man boyfriend who knows best or her mother - the important thing here is for her to make up her own mind.

Depends if you want to have lots of money, or any self-respect.

Don’t fool yourself that anyone - his friends, your friends, families, mums you’ll meet when you have kids, your household staff - will think it’s a great love story and meeting of minds. Everyone will know you wanted his money and he wanted your youthful looks. If that seems like a decent deal to you, then go for it.

Do be aware that despite all the promises to put property and money in your name, at least half of it will go back to him if you divorce. Maybe more/all if he’s sly and you’re naive.

I would be disappointed if my daughter came
across such a relationship. It would age her quickly and she would miss out on so much youth. Straight from teen years to marriage and kids on the coin of some sugar daddy. Ugh.

Good luck, OP.

@sarahsdilemma In my 20s and even 30s, I would have been aghast at the suggestion that I be any sort of kept woman. Now, after more hardships and life experience, your situation sounds pretty marvellous and I would actually do it (although, tbh, not with someone who has kids). He's willing to buy you a property in your own name, so you don't have the worry of the relationship going pear shaped after you've given up work and are left with nothing. If he's smart, kind, engaging, happy to share...why wouldn't you do this? Yes, there is the obvious concern that you may end up his carer but...if he's as wealthy as you suggest, he can pay for carers. People can end up requiring care or dropping dead at any age, so I wouldn't consider age a deal breaker. Think about what you'll do about your pension, what will happen if he dies, how his children will feel about the two of you getting married rather than just dating etc, but...YANBU to be considering this.

Why won’t you say how old you are? 🙄

clearly his last wife was pretty young of his children have a nanny to take them to the toilet……

all sounds very grubby

Poster I replied to was not talking about attraction. They merely stated that this person would be 'an old man' in 10 years. With all the ageist baggage that goes with it.

Yeah that’s not solid real life advice.

OP, there are some other factors you should consider aside from ‘love’.

Does he respect you? Is he dependable and reliable man? Is he financially stable and allow you respite in phases of your life when you want to take a step back from your career for various reasons. Does he love you a little bit more than you love him. Consider and weigh all these before you go down that road. There numerous threads on this page where high earning women marry men who earn equal or even less and are happy to go 50/50 but then comes the kids, cost of living, maternity, mortgages and childcare etc that’s when it goes all to shit.

Hi OP, only you know what you want to do, you will know deep down, but I think it’s telling that the first paragraph of your post is about how stressful you find your work and how much you want to get out of it, not about your relationship.
Trust your own instincts, we have them for a reason.

Does your work offer you counselling? Might be worthwhile to have a few sessions to discuss in depth in a safe space?

People do age indifferently. There’s a 38-year age gap between 85-year old Patrick Stewart and his 47-year old wife but they seem to have a good marriage and he supports her singing career ie she has a life and career outside the marriage. There’s no trying for their own children earlier on though, from what the public know

Also consider that old sperm can be highly risky in terms of disability so having a baby could present risks you haven’t considered.

This could give you a nice life now and a way out of an incredibly stressful career but it may come with its own problems. It’s difficult to be in a transactional relationship and after time might become soul destroying. And then you may feel guilty because you’ve been supported financially.
if you do it, retrain or switch to in house so you can have choices later.
The age difference may be ok now but may also become more of an issue for you the older he gets, and you are still young and healthy and want different things.

they've been together only 1 year.