To marry a man more than twice my age

[sarahsdilemma]

I’m a lawyer, well-educated, and I’ve worked very hard to get where I am but deeply unhappy in my job. I find it stressful, all-consuming and, if I’m honest, quite miserable. The long hours, weekend work and constant pressure are really getting to me, and even looking ahead, I can see that while the pay improves, it still comes at a big personal cost. People ahead of me are doing well, but they’re still working incredibly hard and the mums often either go part time (so a pay cut) or miss weekends and bedtimes with their kids.

I’ve been in a relationship for about a year with a man more than twice my age. He owns a (highly successful) business, has been married before and has children. I appreciate how this sounds, but he treats me very well and I feel happy and supported with him. He helps me financially, I have a card linked to his account rather than a formal allowance, and more recently he’s been talking about a future together, including marriage.

He’s seen how unhappy I am in my job and has gently suggested that I don’t have to continue if it’s making me this miserable. I’ve been very cautious about that, as I don’t want to make myself vulnerable or dependent on someone else. To address that, he’s offered to buy a property in London in my name as an engagement present, which I could rent out and keep the income from, regardless of what happens between us.

I do want children, probably more than I want a career, and I can’t help but think about what kind of life I actually want long-term. My mum, who I love and respect, thinks this is a terrible idea and keeps saying I should find someone my own age. Her main concern seems to be the age gap and questioning his motives, but she isn’t really giving me much practical reasoning beyond that, which is making it harder for me to weigh things up properly.

I also look at her life and how hard she’s worked balancing a job with most of the childcare and housework, and I’m not sure that’s the path I want for myself. With my partner, realistically, there would be more support in day-to-day life / paid help.

I know relationships can go wrong, and I’m not naive about that. But I do genuinely care about him and feel happy with him as a person. I’m trying to think about this sensibly and not rush into anything, but I also don’t want to dismiss something that could give me a very different (and potentially happier) life.

So… AIBU to even be considering this? I’d really appreciate honest but kind perspectives.

Guess you are around 30 and therefore he is around 60, is he going to be around and fit enough to look after the kids as well as himself if and when they arrive? or is it going to land on you? What will your life look like in 5, 10 and 20 years time?

In terms of day-to-day life, the expectation would be that I’d be the primary carer

For him as well as the children.

There are plenty of things you can do professionally with experience as a lawyer, the most obvious of which is go in house.

You could go into consulting.

If you are working for a magic circle firm, yes there will be a pay cut, but we are still talking six figures (in London anyway.)

OP - You haven't answered how old you both are?

Having read your update I would be very cautious. If you are not provided for in the will you are in a precarious situation. Is he going to pay into a pension to provide for you in your old age? Will a few properties really be enough to keep you throughout your life? It sounds like he expects you to give up work and be a SAHM. You need make sure you are provided for, no matter what happens.

Cynical but mostly true.

This is surely not real? Who talks so deeply about all the money he wants to give you? He sounds like he wants to buy you OP.

What happened with his other wife?
Why won’t you tell us your ages?
Howling have you been together?
Where did you meet him?

If you’re a qualified solicitor with a good job already you’re presumably approaching 30ish? So he is approaching 60ish?

If you are thinking of him as a father for your children, I think it’s short sighted. Higher risk of miscarriage and quite a few developmental issues. And a significant chance of losing their father at an age when it will affect their lives more dramatically.

Also, you’re likely setting yourself up for a pretty dull middle age if you intend staying with him.

Earning your own money is hard. But the autonomy and sense of accomplishment tends to be importantly for long term happiness. Your current job may not be right for you, but looking for a fantasy prince as an alternative is risky. It could well become a gilded cage.

Bit weird you wont say ages. Are you 25 or 35, because a baby with a 50 yo as opposed to a 70 yo changes things quite drastically.

I dont really have anything nice to say, I find your atittude super depressing in 2026 and would be beyond disappointed if I was your mother.

Brilliant advice to support OP's decision.
I think I know the answer

Honestly, now I'm cross. Get a grip OP, if you are working for a high end law firm now there is plenty you can do to reduce your stress and still have a nice lifestyle without marrying your Sugar Daddy.

Goodness/.

Does he want children? I wouldn’t want to marry someone who will need their arse wiping before I hit middle age

At any age, twice your age is much much too old. It is a huge trade off, your youth for his money and you don’t need to do that, I doubt his first family will be too happy, it’s the nightmare scenario for them as it would be for anyone.

Yep. I married for love and now I hate him. Happens to a lot of people. And no money either. You're just as likely to end up there if you walk away for something more romantic. Maybe there's a balance with the job though - take three years out to have kids and then find something a bit less stressful for instance.

😂👍🏼

It’s a transactional marriage - he gets adoring young wife. You get financial security.
It all sounds great ‘on paper’ but all he is offering you - properties in your name etc - it’s all just words right now.
Wealthy people do not become wealthy from giving away wealth.
There have been so many threads on here where a wealthy man just ups and leaves his wife and she had no idea how little was in her name.
He has children he doesn’t have much of a relationship with. When they are with you, and the nanny does the caring, that’s not being a great dad. That’s just being a parent who pays for bills.
Of course it’s nice to have a cushioned life, but this man is at least 60. There is a huge difference between 60 and 70 - trust me, I know.
There is a good chance you could reach 40, and be bored rigid. Yes the kids might have a nanny and you may have a housekeeper but this man will never see you as an equal.
Luxury foreign trips and romantic getaways are nothing like the everyday business of being married. To be frank, it can be hard graft even when there is a lot of love.
I would be upset if I were your mum.

What a load of ageist shite. My 80 year old DH walks 40 miles at a go over moorland. You have no idea how old this chap is or how fit.

If your parents are healthy as opposed to just enjoying a holiday, then your parents are the outliers not the norm.. We had a super holiday two weeks ago but it hasn't stopped 4 scheduled hospital appointments in the 2 weeks since we got back. People of our ages mix with a lot of people our ages. We are the norm.

Please don't call people like me ridiculous for explaining our current lives.

She already knows she truly loves him if you read her posts, her question is whether love is enough with a large age gap.

You should do it if sufficient provision is made that if you split or he died, you would still be comfortable for the rest of your life without needing to return to your career. If he's willing to do that, I can't really see what the downside is. You love each other and have a great life. He can give you children. Yes he'll get old first, but it sounds like he can afford to pay for carers, so I don't think you'd have to be the bum-wiper. If you split up (which can happen to any couple), you'll be provided for.

Seriously? This sounds like a way to blow your life up.

• You would lose all career momentum if you quit your job. Would you keep up with CPD if you stopped working? How difficult would it be to get hired as a solicitor if you changed your mind a few years later and wanted to work again?
• Given he is twice your age, realistically your chances of getting pregnant, and having a healthy pregnancy, are slim at best. How would you feel if you quit your job and then failed to get pregnant?
• He has offered you a property but have you discussed the legalities - would it solely be in your name, for example? And in what order are things supposed to happen - do you quit your job first, then he purchases a property in your name, or, does he gift you the property and then you resign? What would you do if he promises to sign it over to you, then drags his feet/changes his mind?

I think, you know, we have all had the fantasy of quitting our jobs because work is stressful. But you need to think very carefully about what you are giving up, and whether or not it's the right thing to do long term. I appreciate that working in the legal profession is exhausting, so I don't blame you for wanting out. Just think things through very carefully, and discuss everything with your DP before making the leap.

@ThisJadeBear Wealthy people do not become wealthy from giving away wealth.

Indeed. This guy will have his bases covered with the cash, be in no doubt.

The Ferrari/Ford Focus thing is bollocks, men like this if they don't want the wife/girlfriend to get anything will know where to hide it all.

So naive.

Reminds me of that Friends episode. “You’re 18, she’s 44. When you’re 36, she’ll be 88” 😂

My dad used to cycle over twenty miles a day until the day he died in his eighties. I'm under no illusion that someone half his age would have found him attractive. That's not being ageist.

My daughter is in the early stages of qualifiying as a solicitor. I have my concerns about the amount she'll end up working, and have always encourageed her to have an open mind about future work. But I would be devastated if she gave it all up to marry someone.

You have so many options, this cannot be the best one.